What do you mean “who is this”??
You seriously don’t have my number memorized?
You seriously don’t have my number memorized.
It’s me, Crazy Girl.
Whatever. Anyway. How are youuu? OMG I’m good too! I had like such a great time on our date the other night, you are like so funny and hilarious and I talked my friends’ ears off about you for like twelve hours because ILOVEYOU I mean you’re really chill.
What do you mean it wasn’t a date? We met up with each other at the bar and you bought me a vodka soda splash of cran and you introduced me to your friend Jake and I shot super dirty looks at your best friend Kathleen all night because I’m positive that you guys are hooking up or have hooked up in the past. How does none of that strike you as being a date?
Whatever. Anyway. Did you like the voicemail I left you last night? What about the one after that? And the one after that? Isn’t it like so cute how we have inside jokes already and I remember them all and we can totally be ourselves around each other? I like just GET you, you know what I mean? And you totally get me. No one’s ever really gotten me before, except for my lowlife cocksucker embarrassment of an ex-boyfriend Mark who wanted “space” and said I never gave him “space” and got super pissed and filed for a restraining order against me after I gave him all the “space” he could ever want by throwing a nine iron through his front window. He’s a great guy though, I miss him. You don’t play golf do you? I’m just wondering.
Whatever. Anyway. It was like so sweet of you to give me a t-shirt and sweatpants to sleep in last night. I’m gonna sleep in them every night and never wash them because they smell like you and I like your smell and I want to know what cologne you use so I can spray it all over my pillow case in the off chance that you get “busy” one night and I can’t come over. Don’t worry, I know you’ve just got a lot going on and I wouldn’t ever think for a second that you might have another girl over or that she might be wearing your t-shirt and sweatpants. Other girls are sluts and really clingy but I’m like super cool and understanding and I would never freak out about something like tha- WHERE THE HELL DID THAT PINK CAMI ON YOUR FLOOR COME FROM?! No, it’s not mine. No, I’m positive. Are you serious? Like, are you serious. Seriously. This is totally not okay. Like, I understand if you didn’t understand what we “are” but I don’t give third chances so you better burn that like now before I’m out of your life forever. I can’t even look at you right now. So over this.
Whatever. Anyway. What are you doinggg? I’m bored. OMG you’re having a party tonight?! I can’t wait, I’ll totally be there! It’ll be so fun, I’m gonna walk in and out of your room like it’s mine and totally have a heart-to-heart with my friend Brooke with the door locked for like two hours and people can’t even get mad because I’m here all the time anyway so it’s basically my room too. I’m also going to joke around with your friends like we’re all old buddies and subtly flirt with them but only enough to get you jealous so I can confirm that you have some sort of feelings for me. Then I’m gonna black out and puke all over your bathroom except for in the actual toilet because I want to force you to stay behind and take care of me while all of your friends go to the bars. This is what true love is like, okay? Get used to it. Spoiler alert: in between heaves I’m going to tell you that this never happens to me and ask you if you love me because I love you. Luckily, I’ll have the excuse of being blacked out the next morning so I can deny it when I realize you don’t feel the same way about me (at all!) but DUH I totally meant it. Awkward silence…
Whatever. Anyway. We need to talk. No, I’m not doing this through text. No, I really think this is a conversation we should have sober. No, it’s totally fine that you’re hanging out with Jake right now just give me a call later and I’ll come over okay? Okay.
Okay it’s four days later why won’t you respond to me? I’ve left you like fourteen voicemails, thirty texts, and I even tweeted a quote from The Notebook hashtag “trueloveishardtofind,” which was OBVIOUSLY about you. And I saw you tweet a Kevin Hart quote AND updated your Facebook status from your phone so helloooo I’m not dumb, you totally could have called me back. I just want to know what we’re doing. Like are we talking? Together? Dating? FBO? FBO but it’s complicated? I just don’t want to waste my time, you know? Like I care about you a lot but there are plenty of fish in the sea and I could do so much better than you, no offense. So we’re nothing? You don’t want a girlfriend? You don’t want to get into anything too serious right now? No I totally understand. Yeah, I feel the same way. Just friends? Yeah, I agree 100%. I know, I am an awesome girl. Whatever. No big deal. I’m totally over it anyway, and I’ll be even more over it when I get wasted tonight and text you at 4am asking, “Wjat arew you uop too? Wnnana come ovrer? Misuss youuuuuuuu.”
What? No, I didn’t just drive by your house blaring Adele’s Someone Like You. I didn’t! …It was Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know, and so what if I did, it’s not like you care about me anyway! You’re immature and indecisive and my friends and I are going to talk shit about you for weeks! But in the off chance that you change your mind and want to get back together I never ever said anything bad about you and I think you’re a great guy.