tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75428485954368259152024-02-22T04:09:24.675-05:00BT DubsSkorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.comBlogger140125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-39387059731973889132018-09-10T14:21:00.002-04:002018-09-10T14:29:47.960-04:00How to be Unemployed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Going from having a steady paycheck to not having a steady paycheck is, generally, a pretty big blow to one’s self worth. Living comfortably in New York City is no easy feat as it is--this coming from the girl who left a small bedroom with two feet of space around her bed for a smaller bedroom with one foot of space and a window facing a brick wall--and living at all when you don’t have an income is just plain shitty.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have been in this position exactly twice in my life: first, when I moved to the city and thought I could live off of the $4,000 I saved for as long as it would take me to find my dream job. Moving costs and apartment furnishing and realizing that the price of toothpaste is three times higher here than literally anywhere else led to that $4k lasting me about a month and half.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The second time was this past summer, basically right up until a couple weeks ago. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">While I volunteered for being unemployed four years ago when I quit my job and moved to NYC to “live my dream” like some character out of a fucking broadway musical, I hadn’t planned for it this time around. Getting laid off wasn’t a shocker, necessarily, but I wasn’t, shall we say, “psyched.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m happy to report that I’m a hot commodity and recently accepted an offer with a company that I could not be more excited about, but getting to this point was an interesting journey. I definitely don’t wish for anyone to lose their job, but should you find yourself in that position, I have 5 tips on how to be unemployed.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. Add an F</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’ll be adding a lot of “F”’s to your lexicon (e.g. “Fuck paying rent,” “Fuck that girl and her trip to Portofino,” “Fuck health insurance”). The most important one, however, is Funemployment.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The stressful factors associated with not having a job notwithstanding, I’ve gotta give my old boss a high five for laying me off during the summer. Everything awesome happens in the summertime: Beach trips, weddings, bachelorette parties, tanning in Tompkins Square Park with homeless people, rooftop bar happy hours--it’s </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ideal</span><span style="font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The gym is empty at noon because everyone else is at work and I can book cheaper flights for off-peak days because I have nowhere to be on Monday morning. Make Funemployment your bitch. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. Appease the people</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When people find out you don’t have a job, they expect two things:</span></span></div>
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<li>You should be working feverishly to find one at all times of day or else you’re just a lazy asshole without professional drive</li>
<li>You should be getting tan constantly</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMypymrzESYtZ4u8L5ZopwwEVK-WEObJaDzilH5K2FWL3AQw0uiR44xSDc3zQdH-1inSObgn4UznYR-g-JnmoWcVtcteA2-4M8Pxiqa9ZKPAYHIWCABbYs22vUfhz9TCJeuxT2UmQEf88/s1600/tanning.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="1000" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMypymrzESYtZ4u8L5ZopwwEVK-WEObJaDzilH5K2FWL3AQw0uiR44xSDc3zQdH-1inSObgn4UznYR-g-JnmoWcVtcteA2-4M8Pxiqa9ZKPAYHIWCABbYs22vUfhz9TCJeuxT2UmQEf88/s400/tanning.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So I have. I’ve gotten so fucking tan. You know when it’s hard to get tan? When you’re inside an office all day. It’s much easier when you’re a waste of space with no schedule who can “take a break” and go lay outside for two hours. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">People really want you to get a new job, but they want you to take advantage of being worthless even more. Give the people what they want. Get tan. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Wear haus couture</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I will not advise you to “invest” in a house dress/outfit, because you really shouldn’t be spending money right now. However, when you’re not out at coffee shops fixing your resume and applying to 69+ jobs a day between LinkedIn and AngelList, you should be home, not wearing real clothes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">My house outfits rotated between 16-year-old Soffe shorts and a ratty t-shirt, a black bathing suit cover up sans bathing suit underneath, and a plaid sleeveless dress for the days I was feeling fancy. Bras were entirely out of the question, as was makeup (I did shower every day, because I’m not a heathen). Ultimately, the name of the game should be comfort, wearing something non-binding that feels nothing like dress pants...or pants, in general. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Eat it all</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lunch in an office is just another way to measure your excellence against your peers’. I’ve had several co-workers over the years who enjoyed commenting on my homemade lunches, I guess thinking that my grilled chicken and roasted sweet potatoes somehow paled in comparison to their Baconator. Who knew that being healthy and actively avoiding a fupa was a sign of inferiority? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Meal prep completely goes out the window when you’re eating at home alone. You can also eat whatever the fuck you want without criticism. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Scrambled eggs and meatballs? Sounds delicious. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">An entire brick of cheddar with an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers? Legendary.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Raw cookie dough? Why not?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are several negative aspects of being unemployed. Eating as healthy (or unhealthy) as your heart desires without Max in Accounting remarking, “That’s an interesting choice,” is not one of them. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Ruin yourself</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I thrive off of routine. I am Skylar of the House Korby, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Anxious, Khaleesi of the Great Skin Regimen, Protector of the Highlights, Lady Stringent of the Seven Mini Meals a Day, Breaker of Fasts and Mother of Absolutely No One Thank God. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Since I was no longer waking up at 6:45-7, getting ready to be out the door by 8:00, answering emails and writing blog posts until lunch at 12:30, taking a 30-minute after-lunch walk, eating a snack at 3:30, eating another snack at 4:30, drinking pre-workout green tea at 5:30, leaving at 6:30, working out until 8:00, coming home to watch America’s Next Top Model until 10:30, popping a Zzzquil, and falling asleep by 11:30, I had to figure out how to live my life without a built-in regimen.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">It takes 21 days to form a habit. It takes two straight days of sleeping in past 7 am to realize that a 9-5 schedule is horseshit.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Let your schedule go to to hell. Eat breakfast at 9 or 11 or not at all. Go to the gym at 2. Sit around feeling sorry for yourself for 45 minutes. Watch 23 videos in a row of French bulldog puppies. Feel guilty about not enjoying the nice weather, but don’t actually act on the guilt. Do literally whatever the fuck you want, because for the last five years you’ve begun every Monday morning saying, “I really just needed a couple of extra days after the weekend” and now you have them in abundance.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">The routine will inevitably return, but the opportunity to attend a sample sale in the middle of the afternoon without conflict (but just to browse--again, you really shouldn’t be spending money right now) shouldn’t be passed up. </span></div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-80493043318477387232018-07-16T12:08:00.000-04:002018-07-17T10:59:07.572-04:00One of Those Days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does have days like that.</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-00032fc1-a3c8-76e0-0adb-d5a431e9284a" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does have to make a conscious effort and force themselves out of bed on their day off, the guilt of lying around only slightly outweighing the relief of not having to face anyone or anything. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does start crying for literally no reason while stretching out their hamstrings at the gym. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does have to give themselves pep talks before social gatherings, repeating the reassuring mantra that it will be fun, that they like those people, that it won’t be overwhelming, and promising that they’ll keep up the appearance of a good mood for at least two hours.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does fake it 90% of the time because it would surprise and confuse anyone who’s known them to think that they weren’t always genuinely happy, peppy, goofy. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe everyone does have days like that. But I’m willing to bet that their days are just days. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Their days aren’t a life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">-------------------------------------</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m more or less not allowed to be depressed. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It doesn’t make sense, you know? </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">How can you be depressed when it’s summer? It’s warm! There’s no crying in baseball, so there’s definitely no hiding irrational tears behind big sunglasses. I’m probably just tired. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">How can you be depressed when you get upset at someone gently but incessantly prodding at your anxieties until you snap and yell at them? That’s not depression, that’s a bad attitude. You really need to fix that, young lady, we are not going to have it. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">How can you be quick with a joke and claim your favorite thing in the world is making people laugh if you’re depressed? I’m probably just having one of those days.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's always there, close to the surface, a melancholic time bomb ready to suck the enjoyment out of just about any situation. </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Even when the circumstances should inspire otherwise, I've been left to fake my way through.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ve been depressed at girl’s nights, when I’m sitting in a room of my favorite friends, laughing until I can’t breathe while eating more in one sitting than I have in three days.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ve been depressed on dates, when everything is beautiful and romantic and perfect. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Holidays, birthday parties, vacations abroad, lake trips, cuddled on the couch watching a movie. All things considered, I’m actually as close to happy as I could possibly be. But I’m still just...not. And I couldn’t tell ya why. </span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If I took a glass and shattered it, telling me to un-shatter the glass will not magically put the pieces back together. The glass will not be good as new just because you threw in your two cents. You’re holding an un-shattered glass, telling me to un-break mine, and you think I’m faking it when I tell you it’s not as easy as gluing the shards together again. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Instead, just listen. Put your glass away, and listen. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Let me hold broken glass in my hands and talk about each sharp piece until its edge has softened or I just can’t hold sharp things anymore. Don’t suggest my pieces might actually be plastic, or that the glass will be whole again tomorrow, or that I should ignore the glass and drink from a mug insead. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you think you’ve lent an ear once and that was “helping” and I should be “fixed” now, please don’t lend an ear ever again. You’re not trying to help. You’re trying to make it go away. I’m sorry the thing I’ve been working to overcome for over a decade is difficult for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">------------------------------------- </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Please don’t misunderstand: I do have good days. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have days when I wake up expecting to feel the usual dread and I realize it’s not there, and I glide through my afternoon feeling hopeful that the spell has snapped for real this time. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m not overcompensating for anything.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m not forcing it. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m genuinely laughing.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m happy.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m also trying my hardest to repress the question of how long the good will last before the bad creeps back in. It used to be the opposite, but it’s funny what you can get used to after a few years. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And it’s not like I don’t get it. Depression is an awkward thing to talk about. Inexplicable sadness, emptiness, and despondency are confusing, and trying to get someone to explain why they’re depressed when they don’t quite know themselves is frustrating for everyone. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That’s why it’s not your responsibility to make it go away. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s not your responsibility to do anything. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Just don’t tell me I’m having one of those days. It’s so much more than 24 hours. </span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-16569470486337592642017-12-19T16:08:00.000-05:002017-12-20T10:31:55.103-05:008 Ways to Have an Original NYC Holiday Experience<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You decided to visit New York City for the holiday season!</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-f0d2bc78-624d-9798-c2f8-1e88bb475de0" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Wow!</span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We’re really glad you’re here...as long as you don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk to check Google maps for the nearest Sbarro or constantly clutch your purse <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/nyc-crime/new-york-city-crime-2017-drops-lowest-recorded-article-1.3018309" target="_blank">for fear of getting mugged</a> like it’s still 1986. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDwSlhM-TbLBq9m4XkC_ruvKBLonjDbx4aomILNmdlW3MwXkVRsOmRA7AMeb6_VRqf18_atnCSqmEQUkA86dNcuyRJQYlYFJK32Uxb300nCfXG_KMVNSkfwWABtVIEKks8jYHU20uxodI/s1600/michael+scott+sbarro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="474" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDwSlhM-TbLBq9m4XkC_ruvKBLonjDbx4aomILNmdlW3MwXkVRsOmRA7AMeb6_VRqf18_atnCSqmEQUkA86dNcuyRJQYlYFJK32Uxb300nCfXG_KMVNSkfwWABtVIEKks8jYHU20uxodI/s400/michael+scott+sbarro.jpg" width="355" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">New York is a fucking blast --- that’s why you came here for vacation instead of hitting up a tropical locale, which would’ve been considerably warmer but cost about the same. New York around the holidays is even more of a fucking blast, because everything is decorated and pretty and incredibly over-the-top. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re visiting NYC around the holidays, you’re gonna have a good time. You’ll have an even better time if you follow these eight suggestions, which will ensure you don’t have the same New York holiday adventure as the 25, 047 other people who took a kissing pic in front of the #rockefellertree.</span></span></div>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. Don’t eat at Rolf’s</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfeLHn3Jra9UyYP9y6_w2WrB1W1VlrYWvi8k4RxK5ahWdOz15vk5IDn2a9xAW-ilZcPWIJ_Gto-_MzUikZ4QmE4G1iSBvaNsCxB4pwfqIehCK69-dJY5QVwUwtwHbqSL-MOsWRQK9w6A/s1600/rolfs+new+york+city+christmas-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="467" data-original-width="700" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfeLHn3Jra9UyYP9y6_w2WrB1W1VlrYWvi8k4RxK5ahWdOz15vk5IDn2a9xAW-ilZcPWIJ_Gto-_MzUikZ4QmE4G1iSBvaNsCxB4pwfqIehCK69-dJY5QVwUwtwHbqSL-MOsWRQK9w6A/s400/rolfs+new+york+city+christmas-5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re here for one weekend and you want to waste 2 ½ hours of your day waiting to eat decent-at-best German Beef Stew with Spätzle? </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Cool, never mind, carry on. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://rolfsnyc.com/www.rolfsnyc.com/Welcome.html" target="_blank">Rolf’s</a> is famous for its Christmas decorations of epileptic proportions. And, to be fair, it’s pretty phenomenal to witness. But in the interest of doing cool things that actually matter, my advice is this: Walk in, look up, take a photo, add it to your Insta story, and bounce. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Or literally just look at pics online, your life will not be impacted significantly either way.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. Keep your mouth shut</span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/KUOPgSNoKVcuQ/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" height="225" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/KUOPgSNoKVcuQ/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Surprise! New York is cold in December. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Surprise! You’re here at the literal busiest time of the year.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Surprise! We walk. A lot.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Let those three revelations wash over you like a $15 Vodka Cranberry and accept them as readily as you do a homeless man’s fake sob story on the 2 train. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re complaining about how freezing you are while you shuffle through the line to look at Macy’s window display, go back to South Carolina. Seriously. You <a href="https://www.battleforthenet.com/" target="_blank">currently have free internet</a>, so the ability to check the weather and read tourist guides on Thrillist was afforded to you long before you jumped off the plane at JFK and spoke too loudly and too slowly to the cabbie who was born and raised in Queens. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. Skip ice skating at Rockefeller Center</span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3RNQ7o20rhi8w/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="350" height="290" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3RNQ7o20rhi8w/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If this is on your girlfriend’s bucket list then I literally cannot save you. However, should the opportunity to negotiate plans arise, mention that between peak-season admission and skate rentals, you’re looking at a $45-per-person special memory that you’ll be sharing with 150 other people. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The real kicker is that you can do the <a href="http://nymag.com/guides/holidays/ice-skating-rinks/" target="_blank">same activity</a> cheaper at Wollman Rink in Central Park or at the Winter Village at Bryant Park. Or you can just watch people [try to] ice skate for free, because let’s be honest: neither of you actually know what the fuck you’re doing out there anyway. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. Realize that Macy’s Santa is a glorified mall Santa</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/gBKY8ApQZxPry/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="283" data-original-width="400" height="282" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/gBKY8ApQZxPry/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span id="goog_614478986"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_614478987"></span><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have lovingly forced my boyfriend to see the Macy’s Santa with me for four straight years, because I’m obnoxious as fuck but incredibly cute. So I realize the hypocrisy that comes with this statement.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Admission aside, making your kids come all the way to New York to see Santa Claus at Macy’s is child abuse, straight up. That line is a three-hour-long human centipede of lost patience and abandoned family values. Santa is a stud, but no more so than the one at your local shopping center in Missouri. </span></span></div>
<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Avoid Times Square</span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/64HmY2ldxMtTa/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="226" data-original-width="500" height="180" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/64HmY2ldxMtTa/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I recommend this at any and every time of year, but it’s especially true at Christmas.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">No one that lives in New York likes Times Square. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Your friend that you’re visiting does not want to take you there. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The waitress at Olive Garden wishes you would have gone to a real Italian restaurant in Little Italy. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The other tourists who don’t know how to walk at a proper pace are annoyed that you’re bumping into them. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dora the Explorer is going to take off her mascot head right in front of your 4-year-old niece, and she’s not going to give one quarter of a shit what you have to say about it. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In short, it sucks. Go anywhere else. Consider this tip my holiday gift to you. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Keep your holiday market visits to one</span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/yKxOp2NW9zYDC/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="251" data-original-width="445" height="225" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/yKxOp2NW9zYDC/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Unlike American citizens, all holiday markets are, in fact, equal. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You will find the same knit scarves and Amish playthings at every market from Columbus Circle to Union Square to Bryant Park. If your boyfriend says he needs to taste the “unique fare” at each of the markets to really get in the holiday spirit, you need to return that J. Crew sweater and gift him a Planet Fitness membership instead. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you want to visit cool shops with original artisans, take the L to <a href="https://www.nycgo.com/articles/shop-brooklyn-williamsburgs-bedford-avenue" target="_blank">Bedford Ave in Brooklyn</a> and follow the nearest bearded modern pilgrim and/or hipster into any dimly-lit store. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. Forget the frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity 3</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRf1dBnfnxWTPMlPMihAbokcmhCN_qcFv69CpTq13K_mBZXcbbsZNwSWEqP4I3sCFQUxqJcfXrf8MN6m0Aa4XgRwFEAtXGkn3R4kD6Px_omr5PO62DfB-VRnk7lebFozL-SDB_iLhkpr8/s1600/serendipity+frozen+hot+choc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1060" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRf1dBnfnxWTPMlPMihAbokcmhCN_qcFv69CpTq13K_mBZXcbbsZNwSWEqP4I3sCFQUxqJcfXrf8MN6m0Aa4XgRwFEAtXGkn3R4kD6Px_omr5PO62DfB-VRnk7lebFozL-SDB_iLhkpr8/s400/serendipity+frozen+hot+choc.jpg" width="263" /></a></div>
<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></h3>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because it can’t be said enough: it’s cold. Why in God’s name do you want </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.serendipity3.com/" target="_blank">frozen</a></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.serendipity3.com/" target="_blank"> hot chocolate</a>? </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Why are you waiting four hours for it? </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Did you know you can </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Serendipity-Frrrozen-Chocolate-18oz-Canister/dp/B0001I1HFS" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">buy a kit on Amazon</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to make it at home? </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Did you know there are three Starbucks in a three block radius of Serendipity 3 where you can get a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">hot</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate? </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Did you know Starbucks exists in every state? </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Did you wait in line anyway and feel a judgement-filled eyebrow raise in your midst? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That was me. </span></span></div>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">7. Freeze your ass off for free, not at minus5 Ice Bar </span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCgbI_JcWUvvE3emFBgswZxfK48KQPuE_7LzaptsuydcZpPBnLtLIIMLgtvafhd-9JQyp84yr-SIW3eyB3oKdBjMkLUpUQT8_PNWVm9Vpg20j1shHuSFU9j2XpFEc_1ptBAgNLbK0POg/s1600/minus+5+ice+bar+bartender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="670" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCgbI_JcWUvvE3emFBgswZxfK48KQPuE_7LzaptsuydcZpPBnLtLIIMLgtvafhd-9JQyp84yr-SIW3eyB3oKdBjMkLUpUQT8_PNWVm9Vpg20j1shHuSFU9j2XpFEc_1ptBAgNLbK0POg/s400/minus+5+ice+bar+bartender.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Any bar that can also be visited in Las Vegas </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Orlando has <a href="http://www.minus5experience.com/" target="_blank">no place</a> on your must-visit list. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You want me to don a rented parka and gloves while I drink out of ice glasses and sit on ice chairs and observe an LED light show set to Martin Garrix? And I’m not allowed to take photos on my own camera because you want me to look psyched for professional pics that I also have to buy because this experience wasn’t enough of a soul sucker? No thank you, please. </span></span></div>
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<h3 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">8. Be unique</span></span></h3>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/hxPrxfZ8rdv2/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="499" height="200" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/hxPrxfZ8rdv2/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Try to have an experience that is unique to you and your travel buddies. </span></span></div>
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<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The reason you can google “NYC holiday must-dos” and get 21,500,000 results that are all some version of, “IT’S NOT CHRISTMAS IF YA DON’T SEE THE ROCKETTES!” is because everyone who visits is too scared of figuring out the subway and getting yelled at by a local to actually branch out and do something cool. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This place is not your comfort zone. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s not anyone’s comfort zone. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s a clusterfuck of lights and cheap pizza and jaywalking. But if you choose the tiny Moroccan restaurant for Christmas dinner or ride the 6 up to East Harlem for no other reason than it’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Midtown, you’ll have cooler stories than your neighbor who insisted you stop in at a little shop called Urban Outfitters because they’ve got “such rare vintage clothing.” </span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-29361937875375527952017-10-08T16:14:00.002-04:002017-10-08T16:14:51.129-04:00It's UterUS, Not UterYOU, Except When It's UterME<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re a woman who is actively trying to prevent a pregnancy, you probably heard about the “President”'s rollback of the Obama-era policy requiring your boss to include birth control coverage in company health insurance plans. </span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-2c24de6e-fd68-6ed5-7260-a7508f3f4921" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Businesses and corporations would control your family planning decisions rather than, like, you. We’ve already got states that promote the Coach Carr approach to sex ed, aka the Just Don’t Do It, Promise? way, which, given that places like Texas annually see about 35,000 teens and young women get pregnant </span><a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/06/05/530922642/in-texas-abstinence-only-programs-may-contribute-to-teen-pregnancies" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">before their 20th birthday</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, straight up doesn’t work.</span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Women need unchallenged access to birth control. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The current administration just doesn’t think so.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is hilarious to me, because clearly these </span><a href="http://hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/mitch-mcconnell.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">sewer lizards</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> don’t completely understand these five benefits that birth control brings about that men should actually be all for. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. <b>It Prevents Babies</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“No Babies!” is the actual name of my actual birth control alarm that actually plays every single day at 8:40 in the morning. It also used to play “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns & Roses, because I’m quirky and perhaps a bit dark.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/5yfO5VCeFq0gw/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="190" data-original-width="250" height="304" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/5yfO5VCeFq0gw/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">These are the best parts of birth control, assuming you’re not trying to conceive, which </span><a href="https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/contraceptive-use-united-states" style="font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">43 percent of women in the United States aged 15-44</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> are not: </span><br />
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You take it correctly, you don’t have a baby. This has a domino effect, as then you don’t have to ask your side piece to get an abortion all while hypocritically preaching your Pro-Life bullshit. Right, </span><a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/rep-tim-murphy-resigns-from-congress-after-allegedly-asking-woman-to-have-abortion/2017/10/05/7a68a414-aa08-11e7-850e-2bdd1236be5d_story.html?utm_term=.7ec955512e03" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Tim Murphy</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">? </span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You take it correctly, you don’t have to bring a kid into this world who, in all honesty, you don’t want right now. Right, Tim Murphy? </span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: disc; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You take it correctly, you can work on your career or spend all of your free time writing that novel or eat brownie batter for dinner because it is your life and they are your decisions and you want to keep it that way and not share or have another living thing be dependent on you. </span></span></div>
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</ul>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. <b>It Keeps Things From Exploding</b></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During a woman’s period, an egg grows in a sac called a follicle which is located inside the ovary. Usually, this follicle breaks open and an egg emerges, sort of like Lady Gaga at the 2011 Grammy’s. But sometimes, the follicle doesn’t break open, the fluid inside the sac can form a </span><a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/ovarian-cysts" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">cyst on the ovary</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHgH6wXKSakL_sJgqrDnItG7-dnofMQrFfha4KWfZlowepAmZO3HMMNJ32Z7zpW1QBjmejW4Wb_G_wAmP8Tbd3o-rcez5KSdoNH5C9ddzBbSIMGyWndnCLMJeh1xyXrzrv-YJPWqS_rqY/s1600/gaga1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="417" data-original-width="625" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHgH6wXKSakL_sJgqrDnItG7-dnofMQrFfha4KWfZlowepAmZO3HMMNJ32Z7zpW1QBjmejW4Wb_G_wAmP8Tbd3o-rcez5KSdoNH5C9ddzBbSIMGyWndnCLMJeh1xyXrzrv-YJPWqS_rqY/s400/gaga1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">While ovarian cysts are relatively common, in some cases, they can result in complications that are painful at best (pelvic inflammation, puking) and deadly at worst (internal bleeding, infection, CYSTS. RUPTURING.). #justgirlythings</span><br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Wanna guess what can keep cysts from forming?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yeah. Birth control stops ovulation and prevents the development of new cysts.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The douchebags that want to regulate BC are </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: line-through; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">probably</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> definitely not abreast to these kind of complications. They will never know the excruciating pain associated with ovarian cysts exploding. It’s kinda like the emotional pain you feel when your wife won’t fuck you anymore because you’re disgusting, decrepit, and have the moral conscience of pond scum. But worse. Definitely worse.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">3. <b>It Keeps Skin Clear</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Acne treatment is an important birth control benefit to mention, as members of the administration believe that a top notch method of birth control is to “just keep your legs closed,” so a method like the pill is unnecessary.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/Pw65burfbeVJm/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="311" data-original-width="500" height="248" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/Pw65burfbeVJm/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Acne has nothing to do with penises and vaginas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, a group of hormones called androgens, which lead to excess oil production, can lead to more severe cases of acne. BC pills that contain estrogen and progesterone </span><a href="https://www.rd.com/health/conditions/birth-control-for-acne/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">lower the levels of androgens</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> in your body, thus, lowering the amount of oil being produced, thus, clearing up a woman’s skin.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That’s it. That’s the sole reason 14 percent of women take birth control. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. <b>It Helps Iron Deficiencies</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina, it’s okay. We all know that you’re not lying about being a virgin, and we don’t care that you use super-jumbo tampons.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What we do (or should) care about is the fact that you might have</span><a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/iron-deficiency-anemia" style="font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; text-decoration-line: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">iron deficiency anemia</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Without enough iron, your body makes fewer and smaller red blood cells. This deters your body from getting enough oxygen. When you're anemic, the heart works overtime to pump more blood, which can lead to an enlarged heart or heart failure.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Women with heavy periods and anemia have trouble keeping their iron levels under control -- sort of like a congressman and his </span><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/25/politics/anthony-weiner-sentencing/index.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">addiction to child porn</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> -- so their doctor might prescribe birth control to lighten the amount of blood flow each month. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This is crucial to living a healthy life. The ability to do so should be non-negotiable. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. <b>It Keeps Us Feeling Sane</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Birth control, in any form, regulates hormones. </span><a href="https://www.holtorfmed.com/hormones-mental-health/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hormonal imbalances</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> can truly mess with your body, giving you insomnia, migraines, stomach issues, and making you feel constantly fatigued, among other fun symptoms.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">The problem is, different types of birth control affect different women different ways.</span><br />
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/7IR0ivCi7BW4o/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="364" data-original-width="404" height="360" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/7IR0ivCi7BW4o/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Prime example: My friend and I both switched birth control medications around the same time. Her new one, she said, made her absolutely crazy. Crying at random times, becoming an anxious nut case, experiencing extreme insomnia, while also hating absolutely everyone. She immediately requested that her doctor switch her back, because -- say it with me -- fuck that. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I, on the other hand, was fortunate enough to be experiencing all of those things already. My prescription switched, and so did my outlook on life. One week I’m crying in the fetal position on my bed on a sunny Sunday afternoon for literally (literally!) no reason, the next week I’m level-headed, rational, and downright chill, breh.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">For a group of people who refused to elect a woman for president because they feared she would be too emotional to make sensible decisions for the country, I find it ironic that they want to take away one of the most effective methods for keeping the majority of their country’s citizens acting sane. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You know what’s scarier than one emotional woman? MILLIONS OF EMOTIONAL WOMEN. Wearing <a href="https://www.pussyhatproject.com/">pink pussyhats</a>, no less. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXSHPaOxrRnGivtHX9q6ffI7PIbQvn05tqNsC2orJwTpb_OVQlb0BHaCvTvnBmL2b_1Ks4EcXxA4agi-Aedu-aIXBT4Vv7hMrQbh6akBrkN4NPQCsc_3Ry-ELO_UL7Sa-IvKnG-RkWRbk/s1600/womens-march-pink-1024x676.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="676" data-original-width="1024" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXSHPaOxrRnGivtHX9q6ffI7PIbQvn05tqNsC2orJwTpb_OVQlb0BHaCvTvnBmL2b_1Ks4EcXxA4agi-Aedu-aIXBT4Vv7hMrQbh6akBrkN4NPQCsc_3Ry-ELO_UL7Sa-IvKnG-RkWRbk/s400/womens-march-pink-1024x676.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">So maybe we can give these idiots the benefit of the doubt. </span><br />
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe they didn’t realize that birth control allows women to conduct their everyday lives with efficiency. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Maybe they didn’t understand that without insurance, birth control can cost $50-1,000, and we just don’t have it in the budget to spend that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> pay for our dumbfuck leader’s golf excursions.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe they didn’t hear that they’d save themselves a boatload of hassle by encouraging and maintaining women’s rights and accepting that we’re strong enough to bear the children (when we decide to), then get back to business, so instead could they please worry about the chaos in Puerto Rico, discussing gun control, recognizing police brutality, addressing global warming, supporting Dreamers, preventing chemical warfare, and maybe not making the United States the laughing stock of the entire planet thankyousomuch. </span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-75425896001499429442017-08-09T18:09:00.000-04:002017-08-10T11:56:06.380-04:00Spared <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m not entirely sure what spurred my recent purge of 103 people from my Facebook friends list, but for the most part, it was easy to decide who didn’t make the cut. </span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-bdf91fa4-c8b8-9fef-d858-f2af127bd613" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Met once at a party in college and never spoke again? Delete.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You finally had the oopsie baby we all had to pretend wasn’t an oopsie baby even though you purposely wore an empire waist wedding gown to hide the bump? Baby’s cute. Excitement’s over. You’re out.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You friended me because I was quasi-dating your friend? We all knew that wasn’t going anywhere even while it was happening. I appreciate you extending the olive branch. Bye.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">For some reason, though, there were some people that fell into the above categories and I still couldn’t bring myself to bring the guillotine down. So, I decided to analyze it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I really hope the following survivors read these reasonings and message me with their blessing/agreement to go our separate ways. Help me help myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How ‘bout you, Eyebrows?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’ve known each other for several years and I’ve never really had strong feelings either way about you as a person. However, I have </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">very</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> strong feelings about your eyebrows. You either need to dye them or learn to fill them in. They disappear in photos. It’s disconcerting. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m hoping to forego all of my fucks one day and just comment these feelings on a photo so you might evolve into something besides a walking five head and I can finally be at peace. Or, you’ll get so offended that you’ll defriend me, instead. Either way works!</span></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Switcheroo</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></u><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You got married when we were, like, 20 years old. It was confusing. You definitely changed your name at that time. I still cared about maintaining relationships then, no matter how stilted they were, so I didn’t delete you even when you posted pics of you and your (much older?) hubby’s new condo. This was the heyday of Four Loko, and I was busy destroying my organs. Couldn’t care less about your adult decisions.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">However, in my quest to declutter my friend list, I noticed that you had your original last name again. I haven’t kept tabs on you because, like I said, couldn’t care less, but now I’m intrigued. You’ve survived until I can dedicate the appropriate amount of time to ascertain what the fuck went wrong. I’m excited!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Family/Friend Ties</u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I vehemently dislike you. I’ve never liked you. This is decades-long disdain. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Unfortunately, you’re friends with and/or related to people I’m friends with. We’re going to run into each other and be obligated to participate in group pictures together which you’re going to force us all to retake because you think your tooth looks weird. Face it: Your teeth are weird. The situation won’t be rectified in a matter of minutes. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re hateful, hypocritical, vain, and your values are completely out of whack. I legitimately hope you get the new strain of incurable gonorrhea going around. In fact, I’m banking on it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Christopher Columbus</u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re moving across the country soon. I’m really just waiting until you post the obnoxious status update confirming that you and your girlfriend are on the plane and then it’s over. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Silent Supporter</u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When did we meet? I know it was in college, but when and how? I’ve had to consider this for several people and most of them got the axe, but not you. Why? Because you’re freakishly supportive of things I post and, apparently, find me hilarious. We haven’t spoken to or seen each other in at least five years and probably never will again, and yet, without fail, there you are.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This is literally all it takes to weasel your way into my good graces. A like or a “haha” reaction? Be still my heart. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Keep doing your thing and I’ll keep doing mine, you preciously encouraging figment of my life successes. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>The Disney Princess Bride</u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I think you’re getting married in Disney World soon. I very much want to see the photos from this wedding because I think they’ll be magically ridiculous. If you could somehow pull off repelling down the aisle a la Tinkerbell during the nightly fireworks show instead of the traditional walk, that’d be great. Happy for you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Rage Inspiration</u></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You do Crossfit. Ask me how I know.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Anyway, you’ve gotten in great shape and I’m very impressed by you, so I keep you around as inspiration. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re also annoying as fuck. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I do not care about your workouts or your diet or your supplements or your PR’s or your delts. I definitely don’t care that you’re trying to get your Pro Card at whatever bikini/figure/spray tan competition is happening in nine weeks. Regardless, you have my respect. I’ll throw you a like every now and then while muttering, “Oh, fuck off.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Everyone else I generally know and genuinely like, or at least find interesting, or am obligated by relationship or family to be “friends” with. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So….congratulations?</span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-43098312817587212382017-07-20T17:07:00.000-04:002017-07-20T17:07:00.960-04:00The Breakup<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It was so great in the beginning. </span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-b9bee126-61b8-092a-a38a-78ef4b58d679" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I was excited when I knew we’d see each other, which was basically every day. I was proud to tell people about it, and it felt like the first “real” thing going on in my life in a while, if not ever. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It started out well. And I was good at it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*hair flip*</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Creating marketing campaigns and problem solving and dazzling customers with my boyish charm and finesse? This job was my bitch lover. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When things come easily to me, I work hard at the difficult things to make them come easily, too. I don’t take lightly to not being the best, so any threat of that was eradicated pretty quickly (like, I didn’t kill anyone, but I got sick pleasure out of proving some of the long-time employees wrong and convincing my boss to do things my way aka the correct way. LIFE’S TOUGH GET A HELMET). Needless to say, I have zero sentimental value attached to any participation trophy I’ve ever received. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Of course, the months turned into years, and it got a bit...monotonous.</span><br />
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here’s the thing about long-term relationships: if they start to get stale even in the slightest, you’ve gotta freshen them up real quick, or they’ll dry out faster than Irish soda bread. You do the same thing every day because that’s what you’ve always done, and that’s what’s always worked. Everyone else was fine with working this way, but I require constant and varying stimulation. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Because, inevitably, I know what’s “always worked” will stop working. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Boredom creeps in. Your eyes glaze over. You care less. It’s a tedium takeover. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wasn’t excited anymore. It was just part of my routine. I showed up, took care of the same problems, had the same phone conversations, complained about the same issues to whoever wasn’t sick of hearing about them yet (Guess what?! Everyone was!). It was turning me into an asshole and I knew it. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Like I said, if something is difficult, I do whatever I can to make it the opposite. Failure and I don’t get along. And so, I was convinced it could get better. I would make it better. I was lucky to have this job! So many people didn’t have jobs! This was fixable!</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Of course, then it got worse. Big changes occurred, and not necessarily of a positive nature. I know that love is blind, as I’ve ignored the shortcomings of many guys simply because I “cared about them” or some shit. The same disregard applied here. I wanted everything to work out so badly that I shut off the part of my brain that said, “Hey, this sucks, actually. Maybe do something that, you know, doesn’t suck, instead.” </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It felt like the people in charge of the big changes were doing their darndest to get me to quit so they wouldn’t have to fire me. It’s similar to when a guy treats you like shit but won’t break up with you so they don’t have to be the bad guy and you’ll dump them on your own. Yeah, people actually do that. I have their phone numbers. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Whatever the case, as things got more stressful, less organized, more illogical, and generally more clusterfucky, I became more of a monster to be around, both in and out of the office. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If someone asked me to add something to my already 50-point To Do list, they were issued a formidable death stare. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If out with friends, I complained about work the whole time. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If hanging out with my boyfriend, I was tired and pessimistic. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I was cognizantly becoming consistently cranky and negative, which was a huge jump from my typical obnoxious peppiness, and I couldn’t shake it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/qwVmrNDKvCUEM/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="600" height="165" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/qwVmrNDKvCUEM/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">It took crying every day in the office bathroom; getting ready for bed already dreading the next day; double dosing on sleeping pills only to still lie awake with my anxiety; and waking up feeling horrible to hit my breaking point. It was a fun journey, clearly. </span><br />
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I had far too much on my plate, and my bullshit tolerance looked like a cokehead in a Yeezy sweatshirt: extremely thin and heavily distressed. I finally established a deadline by which time I would have either [hopefully] found another job, or I would quit. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, that date came and went. I had too much to do to leave. As much as I openly despised my job, my penchant for self-destructive diligence held strong. So I set another date. And another. And one more. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/80TEu4wOBdPLG/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="490" data-original-width="383" height="400" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/80TEu4wOBdPLG/giphy.gif" width="312" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The problem was, I was making that money but </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">also</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> letting it make me, which went against everything the Ying Yang Twins had ever taught me. </span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Quitting meant being unemployed meant not having a paycheck meant not buying $6 Peanut Butter & Co Cinnamon Raisin Swirl like it was no big deal. And that shit is a <i>very</i> big deal to me. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It came down to one fateful horoscope in the back of the January issue of a random fashion magazine that ended up making all the difference. It might as well have been the rejected plot from </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Devil Wears Prada 2</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My horoscope said that if I survived the first part of the month (due to planets being out of line or whatever astronomical fuckery was taking hold of my life), my luck would be improving near mid-January, with significant changes occurring during the last week which I should not question and just roll with.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hmmm, continue thoroughly hating my life or let Star Jesus take the wheel? I opted to give it up to the universe. I really didn’t have much else to lose. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/vIEDVEGVJGMCI/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="425" height="238" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/vIEDVEGVJGMCI/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, Star Jesus stepped up, guys.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The first part of the month, as the horoscope outlined, was met with so many stressful situations that I almost completely empathized with 2007 Britney (didn’t shave my head, might’ve thrown an umbrella across my apartment). </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In the middle of the month, I scored a phone interview. I took this interview in a secluded corner of Penn Station with a homeless man to my left cheering me on the whole time. He had several gold teeth, so I’d like to think he was a good luck charm. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I secured an in-person interview with this company the following week. It happened to fall on a day that I was planning to be out of the office anyway. Quite a convenient “improvement,” if you ask me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/l41lK4KlwYYYSSKFG/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="267" height="299" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/l41lK4KlwYYYSSKFG/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">As if you couldn’t guess, the “significant change” that took place was me getting this new job. I also bought a new brand of mascara around this time, but I highly doubt that’s what the stars were referring to (Smashbox Full Exposure, by the way. Life changing). </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And now, here we are. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m actually pleasant to be around again, something I appreciate more than anyone else because I had to live with me 24/7.</span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I get an extra hour of sleep every night.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Instead of spouting it off multiple times a day, I now reserve the phrase, “Are you fucking kidding me” for special occasions, like holidays with the fam. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/A3IKIsvG1UjwA/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="400" height="225" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/A3IKIsvG1UjwA/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ultimately, though, I learned two tremendously important life lessons:</span><br />
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It is extremely possible to be smarter and savvier than people twice your age. Stifling how smart you are so that someone else doesn’t feel bad about being awful at their job helps no one. Don’t be a smartass, but use your smart ass to get shit done in the best way. </span></span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Paying your dues when you’re young is fine. Working hard to prove yourself is standard. Working harder than everyone else makes you look good. Working so hard that other aspects of your life suffer for it is not worth it. I don’t plan to ever make that mistake again.</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So, am I at my dream job? No. Life doesn’t work that way. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Am I in a position that could lead me to my dream job? I have no idea, but maybe. Hopefully. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Am I excited again? Yes, about the jar of Cinnamon Swirl Peanut Butter I’m about to dive into headfirst. And everything else, too.</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-13743673441906459622017-07-09T21:47:00.001-04:002017-07-09T21:47:19.077-04:00The 6 Things Every Woman Should Actually Have in Her Closet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Every woman’s magazine has published a list of all of the necessary items a lady needs in her closet to make it “complete.”</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-b3d7a963-29f2-b094-05c3-33aa1782f381" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">These lists typically include some kind of ballet flat, a trench coat, a little black dress, and well-fitting jeans. All of these classic pieces are supposed to give you a well-rounded selection that makes getting dressed “a breeze” and will keep your wardrobe “timeless.”</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m all for it, but at the same time, these lists missed a few key pieces that real women need in their real closets for when real life goes down. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Black pants that look professional but feel/fit like sweats</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - You wake up on a Wednesday at 8:15 am hungover as shit because last night’s catch-up drinks with your friend Alexa got way out of hand, per usual. You have to leave for work in 15 minutes. After emerging from a cloud of dry shampoo, you will technically need pants (I don’t make the rules, girl). You’ve been trying to make leggings-as-business-casual happen, but it’s not going to happen, so you need another option. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Enter: the black jogger. Preferably high-waisted and a polyester-spandex blend, you can pair these with a button-down or any decent top and generally pull off looking like someone who’s not getting a little old to be fucked up on a Tuesday night.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/Nfl5DJk4QLMmA/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="225" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/Nfl5DJk4QLMmA/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Throwaway flats</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Different from their timeless, structured variety, these life savers are the difference between strutting through the club crowd to the bathroom like a vixen, or <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2012/02/walk-of-shame-vs-stride-of-pride.html" target="_blank">bambi walking it</a> out of the building at 12:30 because you literally can’t stand any longer. As a rule, you cannot have spent more than $9 on them at a Payless BOGO sale. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The key is to wear these until the last possible second before arriving at your destination, switch into your heels, and then immediately put them back on when you’re out of sight of anyone you’d like to bang. So, you’d walk to the train in the Throwaways, stash them in your clutch (yep, they’re typically pretty flexible) when you change into your sexy shoes, and whip them back out at the end of the night. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Sound lame? You’re not going to look any cooler hobbling along in the 4-inch heels you never learned how to properly walk in anyway. Take the advice. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/d1i4TTZt8O27S/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="254" data-original-width="450" height="225" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/d1i4TTZt8O27S/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An oversized, thick, long c...ardigan sweater</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - If you’re always cold but don’t have enough clout in the office to control the thermostat, an article of clothing that’s essentially a blanket is crucial. Sure, you’ve got the boho-hipster-chic thing working for you, but you could also curl up under your desk and take a nap at any moment. AT ANY MOMENT. That’s the kind of freedom we’re marching for next, ladies. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Red Pants</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - I’m not going to sit here and say, “Everyone looks great in a high waisted trouser cut!” because if you don’t feel good in that cut then what’s the fucking point. Go with whatever style makes you feel the most fabulous, I’m not<a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2011/03/stick-it-to-stacy.html" target="_blank"> Stacy London</a>/God. The most important thing is that they’re bright red. Two reasons:</span></span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you’re having a bad day, these pants will help you fake it better. Bright colors have power. Red is a powerful color. You’re really just doubling up on your strength here. Like Dragon Ball Z. </span></span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Everyone needs a pair of <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2015/06/period-tipsfor-him.html" target="_blank">last-day-of-period</a> pants after wearing black all week. You triumphed over your uterus yet again, you deserve to celebrate while still being aware that all bets are</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">off quite yet.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/nXIoywa4TzeqA/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="660" height="231" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/nXIoywa4TzeqA/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A Boob Shirt</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Save it, feminists. Boobs are magical and make things happen. It’s science and history all wrapped into one (er, two). </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Going on a third date and have <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-worst-date-i-have-ever-been-on.html" target="_blank">already convinced the other person</a> that you’re an intellectual with multi-faceted interests and ample artillery in the witticisms department? Well done. Unleash the money makers! </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Seeing an ex after several months of not speaking to see if you guys can work things out? Remind them what they’ve been missing. Even if you don’t end up getting back together, you three made a very significant final impression. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Boob shirts need be three things: extremely low cut, not a crop top (pace yourself), and able to tearfully bring a grown man or woman to their knees. Try Express. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3ornk8QYbo4uSJYrkc/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="720" height="200" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3ornk8QYbo4uSJYrkc/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">6. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Emergency “No It’s Part of My Outfit” Jacket</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Your boyfriend invites you to dinner. Perfect! He forgot to mention that his parents whom you’ve only met once would be joining you. Not the right time to wear the sexiest LBD you own! </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Luckily, you grabbed the “Just In Case” jacket on your way out. This can be conveniently left on and still look like an intentional element of your get-up. Leather jacket, army jacket, bomber, drape coat, all will work. I once misjudged the length of a skirt and worked in an office almost exclusively of middle-aged men. Didn’t plan on wearing my lightweight trench coat all day, but didn’t want to give Chet in Accounting another reason to corner me in the kitchen, either, so that was my outfit that day.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This jacket will also come in handy for beating your boyfriend with once you’ve “so nice to see you again!”’d the parentals away. Really? Not even a warning? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdMwCuloS6RnbDa/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="400" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdMwCuloS6RnbDa/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hold on to your crisp white shirts and plain black turtlenecks, but add these items into the mix. A boob shirt with red pants? Are you a member of an early 2000s girl band? Try again. </span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-12367904873673682352017-06-29T12:13:00.000-04:002017-06-29T12:13:01.363-04:00Am I Sexy Yet?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Disney movies of the 90s were inarguably some of the greatest animated masterpieces to ever grace impressionable eyeballs. You had </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Beauty and the Beast</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Aladdin</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pocahontas</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Lion King</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Toy Story</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mulan</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and all three of the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Mighty Ducks</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> movies (not animated, but are probably the most important thing to ever happen to any of us, period). </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial";"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/Y9B1KLwvRri6I/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="265" data-original-width="500" height="211" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/Y9B1KLwvRri6I/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We memorized the songs, spouted off the one-liners, bought the action figures, and dressed like our favorite characters for Halloween. We also reenacted our favorite scenes at recess.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My elementary school playground had a swingset supported by three long poles at either end. Esmeralda swung around a pole in a scene in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Hunchback of Notre Dame</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and every recess in second grade was dedicated to emulating her gracefulness. I logged serious hours on that baby. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I distinctly remember a teacher warily eyeing me and saying, “Maybe you shouldn’t...</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">play</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> on the pole like that.” A seven year old doesn’t understand the stripper-like implications of their playtime activity of choice, obviously, so I just thought, “You idiot. I’m a gypsy!” and kept at it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s taken twenty years, but all of that practice finally paid off when I recently decided to take a pole dancing class. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I never got poor enough in college to turn to exotic dancing (thanks, Mom and Dad!), so when I found out this dream could still be realized without any moral or financial stipulation, I was so down. (Nothing against strippers at all. If you want to tell your dad that you afforded his birthday gift by giving some greasy man named Chaz a lap dance, you do you, girl)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I roped a friend into attending the Intro to Pole class with me. If it went well, we shared a fun evening. If I embarrassed myself by twirling too enthusiastically and landing directly on my tailbone, we could laugh together as she helped me limp home. I’m a planner.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Upon walking into the studio, I was surprised to discover the absence of a stage. Also, no one asked what I wanted my stripper name to be (Lola Glitterthighs). Was I in the right place? There were, however, seven poles attached to the ceiling and yoga mats placed all around. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The instructor came out looking like someone who could potentially get fake-eyelashed up and be a great dancer, but would get extremely and feministically offended if you told her so. She also looked like Piper Perabo and I am a huge </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Coyote Ugly</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> fan. I liked her immediately. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The studio’s website had recommended wearing shorts and a tank top so our bodies would provide plenty of grip on the pole. As we stretched, I caught a glimpse of my butt in these shorts, and decided that if this all went well I was going to be making </span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bank</span><span style="font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at my newfound side gig. #squats #shegotadonk</span></span><br />
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Finally, we moved to the pole. Each pole had two ladies on it, and as fate would have it, my friend and I got split up. We’re not co-dependent by any means (I, personally, don’t even like going to the bathroom with other girls), but the amount of emotional support I require whilst hip swiveling is indefinite, and now I was going to have to depend on a stranger for that encouragement. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jersey demonstrated how to walk around the pole. Arm high, lean out, feet close to the base of the pole, taking smooth, toe-dragging steps. “As you get comfortable with the placement of your body, you can add in things like running your other hand through your hair or down your body.” Yeah, that’s not where I shine, so I decided to just stick to the basics. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Next, we all faced the pole and learned how to body roll onto it. Need I remind you that I’m sharing this pole with a girl I don’t know. Now, we were basically grinding on each other. Women supporting women, amirite? My spine and legs were wet noodling independently from one another and I can apparently only snake from side to side, not front to back. The studio recommends taking at least three of these 90-minute intro classes before moving to the next level, and while I initially thought that was extreme, I realized that devoting 270 minutes just to body rolling might not be a bad idea. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then we got down to the biz: spinning. The air in the room immediately electrified. This is what we had all signed up for. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, we learned the Front Spin (side note: these all had technical names, but I was too preoccupied with how great my butt looked in these shorts to pay attention. Seriously, do your squats, gals). </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Grasping the pole with both hands in sort of an isosceles triangle, you point your outer foot to the side, then with some added momentum, spin to the front. After making one rotation, the outer leg switches with the inner one, and the inner one wraps around the pole all seductive-like. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This was it. This was my Esmeralda moment. My body instinctively knew what to do, and my muscle memory kicked in to bring me back to the playground. I just needed a bojanglin’ belt and poofy blouse and my seven-year-old self could finally be proud of the person I had become. I spun like my rent depended on it. I spun like I had just bought a new tube of body glitter. I spun like every shoe in my closet was a 7-inch platform heel. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>It was awesome.</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh but wait IT GOT BETTER.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We got to spin backwards.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For this one, the outer arm reached overhead to grab the pole while the inner one wrapped around it. Again, we pointed the outer foot, but this time our momentum made us trust fall to the back. As we spun, the inner leg wrapped around the pole as we spiraled to the ground and landed on our knees. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought I was excited by the first spin move, but this one was an instant favorite. I was already planning on backwards-spinning around every scaffolding pole I came across between this studio and the F train. My knees were getting demolished and I didn’t even care. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I glanced back at my friend, who was effortlessly spinning around the pole like an elegant goddess. What a natural. So proud. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Piper announced that we would now combine everything we learned together into a mini routine, and my game face has never been more on. She turned on Rihanna, because this was a classy place. No “Cherry Pie” by Warrant here!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After my partner (romantic or platonic? Unclear) took her turn, I grabbed the pole and commenced the walk. We seamlessly transitioned into the body roll, then the front and backward spins, finishing by flawlessly pulling ourselves up from our knees without making ugly grunting noises or climbing the pole like we were in the final stretch of the American Ninja Warrior course (harder than it sounds). </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You guys. You GUYS. I didn’t look heinous! I would’ve had at least $1.50 thrown at me from a crowd, and probably not all in nickels. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Would I go back? Absolutely. And I plan to. I have to at least get up to the level where they let you slide down the pole, or else all of my years listening to T-Pain have been a complete and utter waste. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I also want to gain back some flexibility, because losing my 16-year-old self’s ability to drop into a split whenever I pleased has been a tougher pill to swallow than I care to admit. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ultimately, it was just really fun to be in an environment where throwing a hip swivel into every movement is highly encouraged. I tried it in the office the next day as I sauntered over to refill my water bottle, and reactions were mixed. Just wait until I bust out a trust fall spin around the legs of my standing desk.</span><br />
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-59945009746409223282017-04-03T14:32:00.002-04:002017-04-03T14:32:28.012-04:00Drinking Buddies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I like being alone. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/VfyC5j7sR4cso/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/VfyC5j7sR4cso/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m not an introvert, necessarily, but I don’t really find it imperative to include other people in a lot of my favorite pastimes. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">For example, I don’t like shopping with friends. Let’s head to Zara and immediately go our separate ways, reconnecting in the checkout line with an armful of bell-sleeved tops and embellished blazers that neither of us is cool enough to pull off. I do not want to get your opinion on these items because I couldn’t give less of a fuck what you think, and if we’re true friends, you’d ignore my two cents, too.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I also hate the concept of gym partners. I don’t want to go on a run with you. I don’t want to spot you during squats. I don’t want to have a ten minute conversation between sets about what food we’re getting after this. Workout pants on, conversations off. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The one thing I can’t seem to do by myself is drink. Apparently there’s something alluring about a woman sitting alone at a bar, but I exude many things, and I am aware that neither mystery nor seduction make the list. Can I interest you in a poorly-told, long-winded story that I forget the ending of halfway through? Maybe later? God love ya. </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The thing is, while I don’t want to sip cocktails in my own company, I am quite particular about the drinking buddies I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">do</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> choose. Not just anyone will cut it. </span></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Before you say, “Oh my god we need to get drinks soon!” please read the following descriptions to ensure I actually want to, like, do that with you:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Down For Anything</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/xT1XGUM8m88TVfDh5K/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/xT1XGUM8m88TVfDh5K/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Do you want to go to House of Yes and have a fucked up yet magical time that we probably can’t ever discuss in public?” </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Can you meet me in thirty minutes with a six pack of canned rosé and an extra ponytail holder?” </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Wanna hit up a college bar and get free drinks from the frat bros because it’s like shooting fish in a barrel?” </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Find someone who answers a no-questions-asked “yes” to all of these requests and more. Even if it’s just a casual Wednesday night happy hour, this person is there. It’s like that scene in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Town</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> where Jeremy Renner asks, “Whose car we gonna take?” except with booze and almost definitely fewer dead guys. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The ADHD</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/zvhLegRrWl9Be/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/zvhLegRrWl9Be/giphy.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Word of advice: wear comfy shoes. You will be doing a lot of walking on a night out with this person. On average, you will visit four different establishments, and that’s conservative. Depending on the night, the different motives for this practice will include collecting phone numbers of people they have no intention of ever seeing again; trying each bar’s “famous” drink only to hate it and order a vodka soda instead; getting kicked out; escaping an ex that they “didn’t know was going to be there;” and getting kicked out again because you guys forgot you got kicked out the first time. You’ll be utterly exhausted the next day, but you will have had a ball. Try to limit nights out with The ADHD to once a month unless you want your body to slowly deteriorate to a pile of skin, worthlessness, and blue Gatorade. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>The Homebody</b></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/l41YgbLHEc7avOrvO/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/l41YgbLHEc7avOrvO/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This person is totally happy to go out as long as you stay within a 10 block/2 mile/15 minute radius of their own home. It does not matter that you make the trek outside of your own 10 block/2 mile/15 minute vicinity to accommodate their boundaries every time they extend the invite--the same courtesy will not, under any circumstances, be offered to you. Let it happen. You’re not winning this.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>The Ball So Hard</b></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/l0MYt5jPR6QX5pnqM/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/l0MYt5jPR6QX5pnqM/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Functioning kidneys are not for everyone. The fact that this person is even alive at weekend’s end is shocking in and of itself, but bounce back they do, right after they have done the absolute most. This is who those, “Holy shit, you guys aren’t gonna believe what happened after you left!” texts come from the next morning. This person is pushing 30 but celebrates every night out like it’s their 21st. They love shahts. They frequently indulge in messy public makeouts. They pass out in bar bathrooms. They lose phones for a hobby. They’ve overdrafted their account by $400. They’ve woken up on a bench. All of these things happened to them last Saturday. Watch but do not learn. Or do. I don’t know your life. </span></span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Stopwatch</span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/1vstCZkGNkqVq/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/1vstCZkGNkqVq/giphy.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Hey wanna grab a drink after work tonight?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Yeah sure that sounds good.” </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Cool, where do you wanna go?” </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I don’t care. Somewhere close by though. Like not too far because I don’t want to get home super late. So we should probably start early, too, if we can. Like I’d probably need to leave at like 8-ish? At the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">latest</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Just like two drinks max. Probably only one, honestly. I’ll need to get home and take care of a few things. But we can totally go out! It’ll be fun! But not too much fun haha. Where and when do you want to meet?” </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“...Nevermind...I can’t because...you’re a dick.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>The Master</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This person always has the hookup. They may know someone who ushers you to the front of the line at a club, or they randomly secure a free table PLUS bottles, or they get you into some secret back room where old mafia dudes are doing drugs and smoking Cohiba’s and staring like they’d like to either murder you or take you on a trip to Mallorca. Sometimes, all three. You have to mentally prepare for a night out with The Master several days in advance, and it will take you just as many to recover, but it’s worth it every single time. Just don’t ask too many questions. It’s probably best you don’t know how/why they have all of these connections. </span></span></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-40422358967511976802017-01-02T12:19:00.001-05:002017-01-02T12:19:07.235-05:00New Years Resolutions...for Other People<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGdyt3HwNHI5YwWzuIhZlmXT93i5XtYw2HGr9kihCqzrLib6wi-xPIUDl-m2K9Ss90JhkOOpsuFZIXSa919bWPADUYEFvzm6qKQ7LuNet0-I_gyodeL6sIpkbm3Q-FlkZNNyDXpJO-yjw/s1600/bart-simpson.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGdyt3HwNHI5YwWzuIhZlmXT93i5XtYw2HGr9kihCqzrLib6wi-xPIUDl-m2K9Ss90JhkOOpsuFZIXSa919bWPADUYEFvzm6qKQ7LuNet0-I_gyodeL6sIpkbm3Q-FlkZNNyDXpJO-yjw/s400/bart-simpson.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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I have a lot to work on. </div>
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Fortunately, none of these things will make it into the public space for multiple reasons. 1) Everyone is already inundated with "New Year, New Me!" posts on their Facebook timeline from the health and fitness blogger du jour, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't get fat over the holidays, so I'm good. 2) Gauging by how far I make it through others' inspirational posts about their struggles, no one would tune in for very long should I choose to flip the script and be serious for once. 3) I prefer that everyone operate under the impression that I'm fantastic and they're peasants.</div>
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Although I won't be divulging the personal changes I hope to make in 2017, you can guarantee I have plenty to tweak about other people in my life! Aren't you all lucky?!</div>
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<u>Start Taking Vitamin C Supplements</u> - Dear Person Who Has a Chronic Cold at Work: get your shit together. You are an adult with adult children, therefore you do not have the luxury of the excuse that your home is an incubator for germs brought home by a kindergartner. Your weak immune system is confounding, as I am aware that you sustain yourself solely on salads and green tea. I simply do not understand how you're always sick. Even in the summertime. What is the matter with you. Fuck. </div>
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<u>Buy an iPhone 7</u> - My favorite part about other people going to concerts is that they Snapchat the entire show with poor sound quality and even poorer camera control. No one wants to watch you watch Garth Brooks from the nosebleeds with your boyfriend's off-key singing interspersed with drunken "WOO GARTH YEAH!"'s wailing in the background. Get yourself a new iPhone so within 5 minutes of starting a video, your battery will drop from 60% to 2%, saving us all the headache.</div>
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<u>Practice Saying, "No Thanks"</u> - Do I want to get tapas and then go to a douchey bro bar in Murray Hill strictly for its entertainment value on a Friday night? Sometimes. Do I realize this is a tough sell? Absolutely. The friends that will tell me straight up, "I hate that godforsaken neighborhood and the overgrown frat bro's that reside there" are immediately at the top of my list, because they're honest and shoot me down promptly. The ones who conveniently don't receive my text until 9:45 pm, respond with, "For sure I'll let you know!" and then follow up four days later with, "Omg my night got so insane, sorry I missed you" can rot in hell. Bitch, it's Tuesday, I'm a busy adult and I've moved on. However, please note that I'm also petty and will not invite you to anything ever again. </div>
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<u>Make Fun of Your Child</u> - Kids are everything I enjoy: chubby, uncensored, curious, and wobbly. Don't try to pretend that they're not. If you've given me the Hallmark Channel version of the monthly update of Avery's life, you can bet your awkwardly-posed photo shoot that you've been blocked from my social media feeds. Those that document when their kid insists on dressing up like Frankenstein from <i>Big Daddy </i>or giggles at curse words they don't know the meaning of are my favorite, because that's real life and real parenting. </div>
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<u>Forget Pescetarianism: Go Full Vegan</u> - Sometimes, people like to microwave salmon in an office environment, or overcook sea bass in an apartment setting. These people are assholes. If you are one of these people, understand that you are not only bastardizing the culinary process but are also tormenting the senses of smell of everyone around you. Fish odor isn't bottled by Dior for a reason, and if you can't cook a filet correctly and eat it responsibly (alone, in a well-ventilated area, in a building that is yours), then you can't eat it at all. Poseidon says so. </div>
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<u>Savor Your Alone Time</u> - It is not my fault that you're single and I'm not. If we're hanging out and my boyfriend texts me or I drop his name in conversation and you groan about how you're sick of being "alone," you have exactly two options: 1) Kick me out of your apartment, shower, and get out in the world to prowl around for a future mate or 2) Fucking relax and we can continue eating pizza. Desperate people who wear their desperation on their sleeve decrease their chances of attracting a lifelong partner by 64%. I have no idea if that figure (or even that statement) is remotely accurate, but if it made you realize that you need to get over yourself slash stop getting under other people in an effort to secure a long-term girlfriend/boyfriend, then take it as the gospel. Being single is fine. Worry about literally anything else. </div>
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<u>Establish a Stringent Hair Care Schedule</u> - BSpears. Britney. Brit Brit. In the name of everything that is holy, fire your hair stylist. A person with a net worth of nearly $200 million should not step out of the house with such an atrocious display of acrylic extensions haphazardly whip-stitched onto their head. Either get yourself a great wig and a solid grip band, or let your mane flow free for a while as you execute every healthy habit possible to keep you from looking like trailer trash. We'll be ten years removed from 2007 this year, my dear, let's act like it. </div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-63916012321811836832016-01-31T23:08:00.001-05:002016-01-31T23:08:49.979-05:00Barbie Wasn't Broken<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Feminism has taken on a whole
new form over the past year or so. Like, it's been a thing for about 50 years, but recently it seems to have blown UP. I’m wholly grateful for the women who are
spearheading the movement to get me paid as much (or more) than my male
counterparts, because I have expensive taste and plan to buy what I want by my
own damn self.</span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Political affiliations aside, I
think it’s pretty sweet that the likes of Carly Fiorina and Hilary Clinton are
legitimately considered for presidential candidacy. It’s neat that we could
potentially have a First Husband, or First Boyfriend, or First Guy I’m Talking
To. It’d also be cool if Madame President had a First Lady. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In something that probably
should’ve been bigger news, the Buffalo Bills recently hired Kathryn Smith to
fire up the squad as the league's first full-time female assistant coach, and
they’re not even making her wear a crop top and shake poms to do it. This is
progress.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
important to teach young girls that they can do and be whatever they want to
be, because bitches get stuff done and the way our world is currently
operating, they’re going to have a lot to work on in the coming years. I think
it’s just as important to build up your fellow woman as it is to side step the
32-year-old Hot Mess doing lines off a toilet paper dispenser in a bar
bathroom—I’m proud of her for doing her thang, but if she’s unable to function
at her well-paying job in fashion, I will gladly nail the interview that names
me as her replacement. I’ll applaud a ditz as quickly as I will a genius, as long as they’re doing something noteworthy. I’ll throw a “You go girl” towards just about anyone
deserving, whether she has a rock solid bod or a pair of well-rounded hips. I’ll look at what she’s doing, not what she’s wearing. I
never realized that this wasn’t the norm.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKqonmp6DCxb5wAeMkCRNzUns3RCumdVUnnFH91K8Cuvwkg19T26LWQzp7pWjgv8ueGMQgvTiOT3sUn6YljIuW7n_FcuOn7gRVDUuPosZBNCPNLvQq957m9ezUM-oIxg27mcROUGZI8U/s1600/barbie-diversity-hed-2015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKqonmp6DCxb5wAeMkCRNzUns3RCumdVUnnFH91K8Cuvwkg19T26LWQzp7pWjgv8ueGMQgvTiOT3sUn6YljIuW7n_FcuOn7gRVDUuPosZBNCPNLvQq957m9ezUM-oIxg27mcROUGZI8U/s400/barbie-diversity-hed-2015.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">As
such, this whole Barbie Makeover is kinda funny to me. Not funny like a clown,
it doesn’t amuse me, but funny like “Ugh, my future kids are going to have some
pretty pathetic play dates.” Listen, I am by no means some unicorn who grew up
carrying glittery saddlebags of confidence: I was short; had hairy arms that
earned me the nickname Werewolf from ages 5-12; had a literal snaggle tooth;
displayed intricately-wired braces for 3 ½ years; and was overly rambunctious
in social situations. I wished I was pretty and had straight teeth and that
boys liked me, but that’s because other girls were pretty and had straight
teeth and boyfriends. I wanted to be like them. You know who I had the
wherewithal <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to worship? A goddamn
toy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
had an entire storage tub dedicated to Barbie and her gang of uniquely-named friends,
plus two Kens. My favorite was one who wore a hot pink mini skirt and white
t-shirt with pink hearts, her voluminous hair perfectly coifed and her
lips glossed the perfect bright rose. She was gorgeous, even when she had been
picked as the favorite so often that her hair was unbrushable and the plastic
on her toes started to peel (she never wore shoes—such a Bohemian spirit).</span> </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4SjYdsveEB3_OKOJiwwH3F2EEM3L84jn5QB9zCzo7mALLtdJZpm14s1E2I-CkteORJXIynTtel_d5nQ5jbBwjL5w8mpimux8-4KcNGhLg2CXDOGRoImJFtdB_8lWrkvg_QDKa3Ku3WM/s1600/5180594090_5c327c8a01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4SjYdsveEB3_OKOJiwwH3F2EEM3L84jn5QB9zCzo7mALLtdJZpm14s1E2I-CkteORJXIynTtel_d5nQ5jbBwjL5w8mpimux8-4KcNGhLg2CXDOGRoImJFtdB_8lWrkvg_QDKa3Ku3WM/s400/5180594090_5c327c8a01.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thissss bitch</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">She didn’t have a specific name,
because none of them did, because they were all Barbie, because Barbie is it
all and does it all. When she wasn’t helping my brother’s Spiderman action
figure save a Beanie Baby from a case of animal abuse, she was base jumping
over the stair railing with a plastic bag as a parachute. One of the Kens lost
his leg in a horrific accident that I can’t even speak about to this day
because I just don’t remember what happened, and this Barbie stuck by his side
while maintaining her adrenaline-fueled schedule because while she had
compassion, she found it important to pursue her own interests.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not once did I hold this Barbie
in my hands and whine, “Why don’t<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> I</i>
have a 16-inch waist?” She was a doll. This was understood from the get-go. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Her legs were freakishly long and
her neck could not adequately support her huge head were she a living,
breathing human. She was not. She was a doll. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She didn’t have lady parts, and
hardly ever wore underwear. She didn’t need to. She was a doll (maybe a bit on
the slutty side, but still). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I invited all of my friends to
come over to my house and play Barbies, and they reciprocated, and we had a
blast. I do not recall one conversation in which a group of three 9-year-olds
sat around silently admiring their toys and casually saying, “Damn, this is the
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">goal</i>, amiright?” Maybe I had really
cool friends, or maybe my parents did a fantastic job of allowing me to build
my self-worth through more beneficial avenues like sports and piano lessons than
through the unnecessary veneration a 6-inch tall plaything, but whatever the
case may have been, I always knew that Barbie was a doll. She could be
impossibly proportioned. It was allowed. I wasn’t going to be called pretty
until I was 19 no matter what the fuck that girl looked like, she might as well
be able to celebrate it until I could, too.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOLcb5mPlQAYdXqWu6Ju5gm4-7CFNsm1ASF_3p9c6iEQATpD3SZsDwihzb1E-Aw4CG0i-8zeDyZHsxQxJdI1H3SWo7Iy7D5WQQRWTgfJnaPnfmhfQHn_423HXop5PA62VW2eNTV23HM_g/s1600/5ce86717559bed6bdf579a8eb4b2c22a-standard4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOLcb5mPlQAYdXqWu6Ju5gm4-7CFNsm1ASF_3p9c6iEQATpD3SZsDwihzb1E-Aw4CG0i-8zeDyZHsxQxJdI1H3SWo7Iy7D5WQQRWTgfJnaPnfmhfQHn_423HXop5PA62VW2eNTV23HM_g/s400/5ce86717559bed6bdf579a8eb4b2c22a-standard4.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't compete with this</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, I’m not saying that Mattel
is wrong for this. In fact, it’s pretty cool that they took the time to
acknowledge some of society’s sensitivities to beauty standards and wanted to
accommodate the delicate feelings of children – namely little girls – in order
to make them feel good about themselves. That is an incredible step to take for
their industry. However, toys are toys, and if you can’t communicate to a girl
that Barbie and her outlandish boob-to-butt ratio isn’t a deal-breaker in the
grand scheme of life, maybe take the doll away entirely and have an actual
conversation about why she, as a person, is important. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Barbie went to the moon four
years before Neil Armstrong, became a surgeon, was a Marine Corp Sergeant, and ran
for President in three separate decades. She can be Argentinian, Nigerian,
Navajo, Cambodian, Moroccan, Polish, and Greek. She’s owned upwards of five
Dream Houses and even an Austin Healey. Meanwhile, I’m a white marketing professional
who takes the subway or walks everywhere. I’m also happy. So strange how I’m
able to achieve that, right?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We like women that are strong-willed,
unique in their initiatives, articulate, and relatable. We seek inspiration
from these women, but don’t want their goals and/or achievements to be so out
of our personal reach that we don’t feel equipped enough to participate. We
want to put them on a pedestal because gaining visibility for themselves and
their goals is really bringing light to the issues that face us all, and we can
enthusiastically shout phrases of support like, “YAASSSS QUEEN.” In my eyes,
that has always been Barbie. She helped me develop an ability to tell stories, provided
a way to bond with friends, and gave me something fun to do before I went to
soccer practice. She could have 29-inch hips and I could simply be a kid
with a toy. Pretty solid trade-off, if you ask me.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
</div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-44227289208099704942015-06-02T21:18:00.000-04:002015-06-03T10:00:19.861-04:00Period Tips...FOR HIM!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When
my lady friends and I are gal pal-ing around, sipping on wine in the same room
or via Snapchat, three distinct topics of conversation always come up: the
state of Turkey’s borders now that it has opened them to Syrian refugees; the
disproportionate burden of student loan debt on minorities; and bOy PrObLeMz. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Recently,
a series of unfortunate events caused <span style="color: #00b050;"><span style="color: black;">being on the rag*</span> </span>to
be brought up in conjunction with the third subject. Questions like, “What
doesn’t he get?” and “You’re almost 30, is this a new thing for you?” and “IS
IT REALLY THAT HARD?!” were tossed around haphazardly, and I realized that, as
a whole, men and/or boys really don’t know anything about the inner workings of
women. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">None of them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be honest, the above
questions deserve an answer. If a guy is of millennial age, he has been around
ladies and their <span style="color: black;">Aunt Flo* </span>for roughly 15
years. While we understand that it’s not happening to you and that you’d rather
not discuss it, it’s going to occur monthly for the next 20-30 years, and there
are some facets of the occasion that we are owed understanding of. If you shy
away from reading this post because you’re uncomfortable talking about vaginas,
you should not be anywhere near one and your manliness is absolutely in
question. Go back to training camp and let Captain Li Shang make a man out of
you, Mulan: you are not done. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You think it’s all just Tampax
and Midol? Think again. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_uNF6LctrURIGVeAccB7LTO05TLj1xjObmXFF7mfzHMScHnrX6qmRf7B8GY3_dfZ-Wb3mdFCfBESeQuJr2a0cb4h1rD2RaHtHFd5ykaWft1FyYYPkdzwd-O20xvJiAYQSQ_2DUDSDuX8/s1600/200_s.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_uNF6LctrURIGVeAccB7LTO05TLj1xjObmXFF7mfzHMScHnrX6qmRf7B8GY3_dfZ-Wb3mdFCfBESeQuJr2a0cb4h1rD2RaHtHFd5ykaWft1FyYYPkdzwd-O20xvJiAYQSQ_2DUDSDuX8/s400/200_s.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think it goes without saying
that excessive bitchiness (like, bitchier than a girl’s normal bitchiness)
should never, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever </i>be met with, “That
time of the month, huh?” Expect a flurry of disgusted eye rolls, “Wowww”’s, and
almost definitely a few tears if you choose to utter The Forbidden Phrase. Did
you think that was going to help things? Did you think the knives stabbing our
abdomens were suddenly going to cease because you pointed out what the hell was
going on down there? Please tell me that you would react with serene
rationality if your insides were suddenly rejecting the wall of justice they
had built up over the past 30 days so I can call you a liar. Pro tip: if you
think what’s happening is happening, keep it to yourself. Should even a hint of
inference, assumption, or deduction in reference to my attitude or my body enter
the conversation, you will be verbally abused, and as one friend put it, “know that
I probably meant it but maybe not how it came out.” Maybe. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have you ever been around a girl
who you guessed was riding the crimson wave* and
watched her devour an entire Cinnapie from Papa J’s? Did you say something? I
hope you didn’t fucking say something. We’re not just having a bad day or
feeling like a pig, we’re doing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i>
of those things simultaneously. My stomach was flat yesterday and now I appear
to be two months pregnant (sweet irony), so as you can imagine, pointing out my
current situation will truly be the icing on the cake….chocolate cake…with
cookie dough bites baked inside….and butter pecan ice cream….and a vat of hot
fudge. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yessss.</i> You wanna be helpful?
Don’t suggest we go to a salad place for dinner, because I’m eating for my
ovaries and they could not be less interested in vegetables this week. Let’s
get some meatball subs and you can not look in my direction while I shove it in
my mouth in three bites. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV-a14SQDXANn16B1G74wr-PreYAhk9sqlDsU7N4zWZRgNnoCPM4f6zyLIqXHzAxcRhB_Peknw575gnpy_MeWlKKpYEi_8phjcJRwBLNHIoJtEpcTAqBFEla_z_bhca6G9N6TwUJMuE_s/s1600/8-Point-Break-quotes.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV-a14SQDXANn16B1G74wr-PreYAhk9sqlDsU7N4zWZRgNnoCPM4f6zyLIqXHzAxcRhB_Peknw575gnpy_MeWlKKpYEi_8phjcJRwBLNHIoJtEpcTAqBFEla_z_bhca6G9N6TwUJMuE_s/s400/8-Point-Break-quotes.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Some twisted individual placed
the idea in men’s heads that when we’re curled in a ball on the edge of the
couch wearing size XXL sweatpants and clutching ourselves, we want to be “massaged”
and “held” and “touched in any way.” Ew, freak, get the fuck off of me. This
isn’t a charley horse that can be shiatsu’d away in a few minutes; it’s my body
literally hosting a rebellion against potential children. If your hand comes
near any part of my body with plans to rub me, I’ll break it and continue
watching Gilmore Girls like it was nothing. Real talk. If you feel the need to
comfort me, employ the Claw and Retract Method: one gentle hug and then immediately let
go. It should last no longer than two seconds to correspond with my current
level of patience, and it should not put pressure on any part of me that could
result in more pain. The more pain I have, the more pain you have, remember
that.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjseMrT_yJXcO7rfu3S2toL22XVs2Uxk8c7DZfrnIq13NqPXpLgqW0ZaFTBWfclJGybhiuNRORRJUB1y86aYy_gGzmOuEwpC1l7o45pSaF7Z2YyRjMQFxbXyLEGW2Tafm1ZquQWSBC9lig/s1600/BGoT9KyCAAEtuqj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="373" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjseMrT_yJXcO7rfu3S2toL22XVs2Uxk8c7DZfrnIq13NqPXpLgqW0ZaFTBWfclJGybhiuNRORRJUB1y86aYy_gGzmOuEwpC1l7o45pSaF7Z2YyRjMQFxbXyLEGW2Tafm1ZquQWSBC9lig/s400/BGoT9KyCAAEtuqj.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here’s the part that caused the
most uproar amongst the girls: period sex. Women don’t want to be talked to or
touched for the majority of the duration of Leak Week*,<span style="color: #00b050;"> </span>but they want it bad. Badder than Usher, even. At
any other time, a guy would be all over this, but mention the potential for a
little untidiness and suddenly all bets are off. Let me get this straight: we actually want to do
all of those things that you want to do the other 98% of the day, and we want
to do them five minutes ago, now, and tomorrow, and you won’t because it could
get messy? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Furthermore, if you are seduced
by our admittedly aggressive demands, don’t you dare swallow your balls back
into your body upon first glimpse of some red on the sheets. If <span style="color: #00b050;"><span style="color: black;">Bloody Mary*</span> </span>shows up unexpectedly and it’s a surprise
to the whole room that some stainage has occurred, we can split the trauma
60/40 (this is worse for me, trust). However, if you were warned and were all, “No
biggie,” and then flip out when there is a bullseye on the bed, making a show
out of disgustedly tearing everything apart and saying something like, “Ugh,
that’ll never come out” or “Gross!” is the opposite of me wanting to do it
again. Now I’m lightweight embarrassed for the both of us: me, because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">obviously</i>, and you because apparently I’ve
been dating a 13-year-old who probably still laughs at Uranus jokes. Actually,
both of those are embarrassing for me. God invented towels and OxiClean for a
reason, you big baby—meet me upstairs in two.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Referring to my *PERIOD by
anything other than my *PERIOD makes it sound awful and makes me feel like more
of a disgusting troll than I already do, *PERIOD. Any lingo that has become
synonymous with a woman’s *PERIOD was obviously invented by a man, because a
woman already knows how shitty it feels to bleed out their insides and they
would never bring brash language into the mix. Blood is exiting the vagina
because the uterus is shedding the lining that the eggs, produced by the
ovaries, were waiting to be fertilized in. That’s your daily dose of accurate
terminology, straight up. If you want to refer to any of that by anything else
(except for "menstruation" because not even we like that), don’t. If you’re disconcerted
by medically descriptive language, put your penis on a shelf and only take it
back down when you’ve grown the testicles you need to use that thing properly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Finally, the ladies and I
request a thank you. If we are not trying to have a baby together, and we take
it upon ourselves to regularly make sure that it doesn’t happen, we want that
to be acknowledged (Ex: “High five for not getting pregnant out of wedlock
because that’s not really your life plan, girl. Appreciate you stepping up”). If
we yell at you for no reason because our hormones are out of whack, but then
apologize and recognize our illogical outburst, we want that act of valor to be
appreciated. If we have zero energy, ache, can’t wear anything but yoga pants,
and are breaking out like a before picture in a ProActiv commercial, and you
ask us to go out and meet up with a few of your friends at some bar that may or
may not be filled with hipsters and not the fun kind, and we squeeze into jeans
and a cute top and execute winged eyeliner, throw a salute. I don’t want to be
there, but I’m faking it, and I’m faking it for you. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbhMFFm6rbRNPpYjm3uobZdGfNb72Y8tfllbDnQjaIC5iDmHJFrrGp1TPBCTcQDEZK1NzA_44M-yyhilLpknEyzDtFOcaCG-9fybtnWJ2GW_0qQlfyDWlZ2xH9LPQbObk4qct1RaSUFPA/s1600/Period1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="372" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbhMFFm6rbRNPpYjm3uobZdGfNb72Y8tfllbDnQjaIC5iDmHJFrrGp1TPBCTcQDEZK1NzA_44M-yyhilLpknEyzDtFOcaCG-9fybtnWJ2GW_0qQlfyDWlZ2xH9LPQbObk4qct1RaSUFPA/s400/Period1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you considered yourself a connoisseur
of the female reproductive system before reading this, I hope you now realize
that you were not, in any capacity. Feeling like a big shot because you only
slightly flinched when buying a box of tampons (and not even the right ones) in
the self-checkout line (because <em>what if they think they’re for you</em>?!) is nothing
to brag about, and I don’t admire you for it. Hopefully you’ve been enlightened
to our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actual </i>needs during this
trying time. Now leave me with my jar of peanut butter and my spoon and get
lost.</span></div>
</div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-9904101645882300652015-05-28T12:56:00.000-04:002018-10-29T17:46:27.032-04:00Skylar Gets Swindled<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things were going pretty
uncharacteristically fabulous in my life, and then two days ago I was brought
back to reality by the most bougie homeless man to ever exist. His dietary
choices mixed with my staunch gullibility once again beg the question, “How do
these things always happen to you?!” to which I reply, “Shoot me in the face.”</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">
Here’s how my most recent
interaction with a </span><a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2015/01/hobo-friends.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">hobo friend</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> went down:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was walking to the gym after
work, stopped to watch the game going down at the West 4<sup><span style="font-size: xx-small;">th</span></sup> Street
Basketball Courts, didn’t get the opportunity to yell, “AND 1!”, got bored and
kept going. All of a sudden a man comes up to me and asks, “Excuse me, do you
have a dollar?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, everyone knows that the
answer to this question is “No.” Not because you’re a bad person, or cheap, or
a liar, but because homeless people run rampant and if I gave them all of my
dollars I wouldn’t have anything left to impulse-buy Pretzel M&M’s with in
my bi-weekly moments of weakness. At this time, I had nine single dollars in my
wallet, which is a rarity, and as selfish as it may sound I was guarding them
with my over-privileged life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“No, I’m sorry,” I replied to
the man who will now be known as Richie Rich.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Would you mind buying me some
food?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Ugh, tug at my heartstrings,
Richie. I literally don’t know what came over me, but I agreed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“There’s a Morton Williams right
around the corner.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Sure, let’s go.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
As we walk and chat about things
like the warmer weather and allergies, I started to take stock of what exactly I
was dealing with. Number one, he was wearing relatively new looking shoes. In my
top 10 most recent homeless-guy experiences, 80% of them are wearing holey
black Velcro New Balances with the pinky toe displayed prominently, so this was
new. Second, he was wearing clean Adidas track pants and carrying a multi-pocketed
Jansport that for the purposes of this story appeared much more high-tech than
your standard shopping cart. Interesting, to say the least. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“I’m really trying to get my
energy up,” Richie Rich said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“That’s always a good plan.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Have you heard of Kombucha?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Yes, Richie, I’m a white girl
from the ‘burbs who befriends several health nuts, follows fitspo Instagram
accounts, and pins quinoa recipes on Pinterest; of course I’ve heard of
Kombucha.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">“I really like the Multi-Green
one. It’s a great detoxifier.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
WHAT WHAT WHAT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“And I’m a vegetarian so it’s a
great supplement to that type of diet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Everyone stop laughing
immediately. I was already pretty keen to what was happening and it was not
cool.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></o:p><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Richie continues to explain the
different benefits of a variety of products typically found at Whole Foods and
I just nodded in defeat. We arrive at the grocery store and still giving him
some semblance of the benefit of the doubt, I think we’ll go straight to the
prepared food section, he’ll grab a veggie sandwich and his fermented tea
concoction, and we’ll be out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Richie grabs a fucking basket.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
So there we are, the Odd Couple
shopping for Tuesday Night Dinner. Richie throws Kombucha, premade samosas, two
Vitamin Waters (Restore flavor), and a box of Boca burgers in his basket, along
with a toothbrush and my trust. It crossed my mind several times to say,
“Are you kidding me?” and dipset, but the small chance that this was maybe the
only thing Richie would eat for the next couple of days coupled with me
potentially being the girl who left a homeless man in the aisle of the grocery
store with food he couldn’t pay for made me stay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
We get up to the checkout line
and he tosses it all on the conveyer belt like he’s done this a few times
before. The cashier looks at me out of
pity and confusion, which is something I’m used to but was much more attentive
to in this situation. I
had let my conscience be my guide and now I was planning on speaking to her in
my office the next morning and putting her on leave without pay, because she
was an idiot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Everything is rung up to a grand
total of $52.11, which is more than I spend on groceries for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">myself </i>for an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">entire week</i>. I swiped with undetectable hesitation and kept the
receipt to wipe off my shame later that night. Richie and I walk out of the
store holding hands (jk) and I’m just about to launch into a full-on sprint
when he says, “There’s a Duane Reade right down the street….”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Really? Really. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></o:p><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Sorry dude, I’ve got to go.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Oh okay, thanks again then!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Ohhhh you are so welcome.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
If you think it ends there you
clearly need to backtrack and read some more of my life tales because it most
definitely does NOT, per usual. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next night, I was walking
with my boyfriend and another friend through the same area. I had just finished
telling them this exact story, and they berated me for being naïve and
oblivious, and I was agreeing but defending it all by saying, “Hey, at least my
karma’s in check.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
We’re about to cross the street
when a man rounds the corner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“Excuse me, do you have a
dollar?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
They both automatically say no
and keep moving. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
I start violently squeezing my
boyfriend’s hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
“THAT WAS HIMMMM!” I hissed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Predictable “NO WAY”’s and “Are
you sure?”’s and “GO YELL AT HIM!”’s were thrown around but obviously did not
occur. Richie might’ve been wearing a Rolex and applying a mud mask to his face
when he passed on his way to a candle-lit hot yoga class, but who could be
sure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So I’m back and arguably better
than ever, friends. For my sake, I hope my life will return to a state of
boring normalcy. It won’t, though, and you’re all welcome for that. Raise
a glass of brewed yeast and bacteria encased in cellulose to being young and
dumb; I have like </span><a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/06/birthday-gift-guide-2013.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">three more weeks</span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> of being able to get away with it!</span></span></div>
<div style="height: 0px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">x</span></div>
</div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-43620206280876068792015-01-27T12:26:00.002-05:002015-01-27T12:26:32.303-05:00Hobo Friends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Antonio. Donald. Q. Whistles (legal name). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">These are just a few of the fine friends I've made over the past few years who just happen to live on the streets. Can I call them my homies if they don't technically have homes? I feel like that's not a cool question to ask.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">For whatever reason, I seem to have a special connection with these people--it's probably the fact that I grew up in the <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/06/rules-for-riding-metro.html" target="_blank">white suburbs</a> of Northern Virginia with four Panera's in a 10-mile radius, but who really knows. These relationships have come about largely because I don't know how to avert my eyes or resist responding to someone who calls me "Little Lady." Homeless people are people too! My kind of people:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>Antonio</u> - Antonio frequented the corner of the street near my magazine internship when I lived in Kentucky. He practiced the hollaback tactic, where he'd strike up random conversation with any and everyone and after a few solid minutes of talking would casually throw in that he needed five bucks. I was a <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2012/04/last-semester-of-college-facts-of-life.html" target="_blank">poor college student</a> so I typically told him, "Yeah man, same," and we'd laugh and laugh and then he'd ignore me, but there were a couple of times where I brought him a Starbucks Iced Coffee that secured me a spot on his good side. I never got to say good-bye to him when that internship finished up, but with Antonio and I, it was never going to be good-bye, just see you later.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>Russ</u> - Russ was the first of many homeless buddies I made when I worked in DC. Russ never asked for money or food, but was quick to dole out a compliment, usually in the spring or summer when it was <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/04/6-of-my-favorite-most-unladylike-parts.html" target="_blank">skirt season</a>. "Girl, the fire department know about dem legs? Because they makin' me HOT!" is a personal favorite. Russ always, always, always wanted a hug, but the closest I'd let him get was a fist bump or high five with an exaggeratedly extended arm because while I love new friends, I'm a far cry from Mother Theresa. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2jCy3BVRBbbhQcehzkbwOd6hDFjY_U-m3TFLiCFg3EAtfxAZ5QtvWJCtLZ-AJQgRU6Aq9NTvBYDnUhyFMFrnYW32txC-89i449JxpXVVZPvu-MsbTE9HuZPQ-eC0C2cMQizi4dJmVY9Y/s1600/tumblr_msjd9s6Hih1sgl0ajo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2jCy3BVRBbbhQcehzkbwOd6hDFjY_U-m3TFLiCFg3EAtfxAZ5QtvWJCtLZ-AJQgRU6Aq9NTvBYDnUhyFMFrnYW32txC-89i449JxpXVVZPvu-MsbTE9HuZPQ-eC0C2cMQizi4dJmVY9Y/s1600/tumblr_msjd9s6Hih1sgl0ajo1_500.gif" height="161" width="400" /></a></div>
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<u>Q</u> - Q is a <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-truth-behind-backhanded-compliment.html" target="_blank">frienemy</a>. Every single morning for over a year, he was waiting at the top or bottom of the escalator at my Metro stop ready to harass me with his beatboxing or outbursts of pure gibberish. For the most part I could ignore him, but one fateful day I was just <em>not</em> having it, and when he lunged in front of me shouting nonsense, I looked him straight in his lazy eye and yelled, "CAN YOU FUCKING NOT?" I gained Q's respect that day. For the next 3 months, I could hear the "bm-ts bm k bm tkt bm" as I approached, but as soon as we crossed paths, he would go silent and we would exchange a head nod/eyebrow raise of friendship. I only learned of his deceitful ways when one day, I overheard him having a normal, gibberish-free conversation with a traffic cop. I quit my job three days later because I couldn't stand to face him ever again.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxHsBCVY2phDDjuiy5A2pAR11-LdzYhnPaQcuNPMn4RMuLseubKJ435UJ2LRBugMOBG15-D2qTKCiOuaxoxZQpGyaODNZ4-5E_v__cg034KWUw9NPS3qa7fFZL8FBHoDm5eynK4zwlC4g/s1600/IMG_0602.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxHsBCVY2phDDjuiy5A2pAR11-LdzYhnPaQcuNPMn4RMuLseubKJ435UJ2LRBugMOBG15-D2qTKCiOuaxoxZQpGyaODNZ4-5E_v__cg034KWUw9NPS3qa7fFZL8FBHoDm5eynK4zwlC4g/s1600/IMG_0602.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a><u>Tyrone</u> - Tyrone has set the standard for NYC hobo friends. He's a musician (peep the business card), a comedian, a people person, and has 4 teeth. Tyrone posts himself up mid-platform at the Lexington Avenue-53rd Street subway station with a guitar, microphone, boom box, and duffel bag of tricks. There was recently another guy there trying to serenade the commuters with a lovely rendition of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide," and Tyrone shut it down with a mostly-freestyled version of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. Nice try, Stevie Nicks, this is Tyrone Territory. Every evening I see him there, we <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/10/new-yorker-not-yet.html" target="_blank">wave to each other</a>, and he asks me when we're going to work out together (I sometimes have my gym bag). I never answer this question because I'm terrified I'm just being naïve and not getting the innuendo; however, I'd be more than happy to collaborate on a "More Than Words" duet whenever he asks.<br />
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<br />
I swear to God I have real friends too, but sometimes even they can't hold a candle to the likes of my hobros. When was the last time any of you gifted me a bracelet made of straw wrappers? Your impeccable hygiene and consistent income do not interest me--give me a wool blanket and some dingy fingernails any day of the week.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
</div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-10349162406565966052015-01-05T21:54:00.001-05:002015-01-06T11:11:37.567-05:00A Friend for All Seasons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm fortunate enough to have a very large, very diverse group of ladyfrands stationed all over the country to assist in every freak out, humble brag and what-if scenario. These girls are all special in their own ways, which not only keeps things interesting but is also super handy when I need advice on something that Jennifer is too religious for but is right up Sasha's alley (no offense) (slut). <br />
<br />
Everyone needs a friend for every conceivable life scenario. I've enlisted the help of my beebs and had them send me some of their favorite examples of convos with friends that they definitely could not have with anyone else. (Livin' with my bitches, #LIVE.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsX0Kylw3oqZ7fjAWeVZDT78kQcM25kDUq60cSOHH4jlE5koynIcgdbaIGvNscVx_TO8w7TN5JanCoRhMsaAhJ-0FauPy5OzRE9ZP4Igh-RCabENj2VqxT3uq3QllFIHr8lE61m3gk7g/s1600/IMG_0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsX0Kylw3oqZ7fjAWeVZDT78kQcM25kDUq60cSOHH4jlE5koynIcgdbaIGvNscVx_TO8w7TN5JanCoRhMsaAhJ-0FauPy5OzRE9ZP4Igh-RCabENj2VqxT3uq3QllFIHr8lE61m3gk7g/s1600/IMG_0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsX0Kylw3oqZ7fjAWeVZDT78kQcM25kDUq60cSOHH4jlE5koynIcgdbaIGvNscVx_TO8w7TN5JanCoRhMsaAhJ-0FauPy5OzRE9ZP4Igh-RCabENj2VqxT3uq3QllFIHr8lE61m3gk7g/s1600/IMG_0350.jpg" height="320" width="303" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsX0Kylw3oqZ7fjAWeVZDT78kQcM25kDUq60cSOHH4jlE5koynIcgdbaIGvNscVx_TO8w7TN5JanCoRhMsaAhJ-0FauPy5OzRE9ZP4Igh-RCabENj2VqxT3uq3QllFIHr8lE61m3gk7g/s1600/IMG_0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"> </a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsX0Kylw3oqZ7fjAWeVZDT78kQcM25kDUq60cSOHH4jlE5koynIcgdbaIGvNscVx_TO8w7TN5JanCoRhMsaAhJ-0FauPy5OzRE9ZP4Igh-RCabENj2VqxT3uq3QllFIHr8lE61m3gk7g/s1600/IMG_0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"> </a><br />
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<u>The McFriend</u> - This sweetheart would never, ever judge you for eating delicious snacks, especially when they're bacon-wrapped. She is crucial, because while the rest of your friends are trying juice cleanses and eating kale and cucumber salads, this faithful comrade will indulge every edible whim <em>and</em> snag some extra ketchup and/or honey mustard. She personifies the judgment-free zone, and will always be quick to blame your slight weight gain on water weight or your period, because it sure as hell wasn't your recent three-day-long Chipotle binge.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn7L2CTlA3aCELl7oYKiQvg2VkiBmBctOqeJ8R8xIk5fUU-xomR_66AX3hpVlLR3wOXSzgq8tJTkL36N7Wr_0Je1i7oSD-m9lKstgiqI1nk6GGfC8XLl2LMWNT5UqzUsLM_lwhl4V2JWo/s1600/IMG_0478.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn7L2CTlA3aCELl7oYKiQvg2VkiBmBctOqeJ8R8xIk5fUU-xomR_66AX3hpVlLR3wOXSzgq8tJTkL36N7Wr_0Je1i7oSD-m9lKstgiqI1nk6GGfC8XLl2LMWNT5UqzUsLM_lwhl4V2JWo/s1600/IMG_0478.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
<u>The Ex Sympathizer</u> - Everyone has exes, and everyone has exes that won't go away. Some friends turn into feminists when you mention you and your ex were casually texting the other day and berate you for "going back to that pathetic piece of trash loser." Way harsh, Tai. This friend understands that shit happens, and that if you happen to wake up next to that piece of trash loser one morning after a night of innocent reminiscing over Patron Café shots, worse things have happened. They may not encourage further chats with said piece of trash, but they're probably texting you the message to the left immediately after waking up next to their own pathetic loser. Condolence high five!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyRvrZyMV6bLDzoQ9W_8RboQcEdaIejaNXqMXkUxlRRxcQOY-oiHrxzrz9NSG3dCLMkheZZi39zZLX7GNhet0ex00jkyvAjsRNtMk711mXczsaRt_TFmKgluwN3QeX9EcqGXqefxExa_s/s1600/IMG_0395.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyRvrZyMV6bLDzoQ9W_8RboQcEdaIejaNXqMXkUxlRRxcQOY-oiHrxzrz9NSG3dCLMkheZZi39zZLX7GNhet0ex00jkyvAjsRNtMk711mXczsaRt_TFmKgluwN3QeX9EcqGXqefxExa_s/s1600/IMG_0395.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
<u>The Creep</u> - While most girls are not "psychos," we do all have some rather eccentric thoughts that occasionally float around in our heads. Do we plan to act on them? No. Is it nice to know that someone will have our back 110% if we ever decide we want to? Absolutely. The Creep will take your weird idea and take it a step further to say, "Hey! You're not alone! I, too, am a recreational sociopath! Let's get brunch." <br />
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<u>The Nasty Gal</u> - Some girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Others are absolutely disgusting. This friend is clutch when you haven't showered/shaved your legs/swiped your Woman Card in three weeks and you just feel like sharing something grotesque. She probably has brothers or just really couldn't give less of a fuck about social norms, and has no problem discussing bodily functions at length. While this friend may not be your first choice to bring as a plus one to your meeting with Her Majesty the Queen, she's the perfect sidekick for an all-night bar hop that may or may not end with eating cheese fries off the floor. </div>
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<u>The Cosmo</u> - True to her name, this friend is a walking women's magazine. Quick with a sex tip of the day, questionable first date advice, and a seemingly endless supply of photos such as the one to the right, she will never need you hangin' should you need some *ahem* emotional uplifting. Perhaps not the ideal candidate to get you through a serious life crisis, but if you're just looking for a quick pick-me-up, you've got your girl.<br />
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<u>The Fort Knox</u> - This girl is a steel trap. If and when you decide to do something semi-socially uncouth like join a sugar daddy website or sell your eggs on Craigslist, she will be your emergency contact and confidante in case the meet-up goes awry. She'd never dream of letting your secret slip because while she's not one to criticize, at the end of the day you both know that your scheme for bagging a rich dude/making some extra cash is a little sad. Whatever, you do you. FK is a text away at any hour of the night or day!<br />
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<u>The Disney Channel</u> - Sometimes, it's nice to have someone around who doesn't look down upon you for the fact that you still love old TV shows as much as you did in 2001. Sometimes, it's nice to watch these shows together via Skype, text, or Facebook message. Sometimes, you still cry when the Bug Juice campers leave at the end of the summer and even though half of them will be back next year it's still a big deal and you consider them your friends. Sometimes, it's obvious why you're [both] alone on a Friday night. Yikes.<br />
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If you have a friend that encompasses all of the above traits and more, she is a magician and might also be fake. It's nice to spread your ridiculousness out over a few different people anyway, lest they get sick of your nonsense and abandon you altogether. Seek out each of your friends for their individual strengths--especially the one who is good with makeup and hair. That is one essential betch.<br />
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<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-87215866668165567412014-12-16T01:27:00.000-05:002014-12-16T01:27:41.742-05:00How To Give The Perfect Gift<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm not gonna sugar coat it: I judge people who give bad gifts.<br />
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Yes, this goes entirely against the spirit of the holiday season, and maybe I'm just an exceptional Kris Kringle (hair toss), but I really don't understand people who wrap up a copy of <em>WINE for Dummies</em>, laugh when you open it while explaining, "Everyone knows Skylar can't say NO to MERLOT" (for the thousandth time, I like Cabernet Sauvignon, you thoughtless piece of trash), and sit back giving themselves a pat on the back for half-assing it through yet another birthday party for Jesus. <br />
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This is avoidable. You don't have to be the dud who everyone prays doesn't pick them for Secret Santa/Mysterious Maccabi! A few easy tips are all that stand between you and a genuine, "Wow! Thank you so much!" or this:<br />
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Step 1: <em>Get your head out of your own ass -</em> The holidays are not the time to change someone; we reserve that for 30th birthdays, interventions, and serious relationships. Giving a friend a box set of Josh Groban's best duets because you yourself are a Grobanite is not a gift, it's sadism with a bow on top. If you attend aerial yoga four nights a weeks and think everyone should attend aerial yoga four nights a week and cornered your petrified sister-in-law after dinner to discuss the overwhelming calmness brought on by swaying savasana, you're just being a holly jolly jackass when everyone unwraps silk hammocks and nods at you with thinly-veiled contempt.<br />
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Step 2: <em>Listen, Linda</em> - I am an elephant--I forget nothing. I still remember a guy I was seeing in 2010 mentioning that when he got home from school as a kid, his mom would make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on rye while he watched Captain Planet. I literally have zero use for this information now, but it's stuck in there for life. The key to being an excellent gift-giver is not to rely on what the recipient mentions they want between November 29 and January 1; it's reaching all the way back to May when they talked about how much they loved boudin sausage on their recent visit to New Orleans and signing them up for a Cajun cooking class. How can you not get the warm and fuzzies from knowing you gave the perfect gift they didn't even know they wanted?<br />
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Step 3: <em>Stand and Deliver</em> - The above being said, if a loved one asks for something specific, don't go nuts trying to outdo yourself when there wasn't even a competition. Your cousin wants a book on Moroccan culture? Don't buy her a plane ticket to Marrakesh, just give her the freaking book. Most people, myself included, feel like this is the one time of year they can express their want for something without coming off like Veruca Salt; don't make me feel even more unnecessarily guilty by going completely overboard with my simple, "if it's not too much trouble" request.<br />
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Step 4: <em>Change it up</em> - We get it, your dad is a Packers fan. How many DVD's can he possibly watch highlighting their 1967 season? How much Green Bay barware can he really drink out of? What is the man going to do with a chunk of grass from Lambeau Field?! You have to realize when enough is enough. While he may be thrilled with end zone seats to the Packers vs. Bears game (duh), if you give him a Fat Head of Jerry Kramer - SURPRISE! - you're paying off your own student loans from now on, fucker.<br />
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Step 5: <em>Enjoy it</em> - If you view holiday shopping as a chore, you're 99% of what's wrong with the world (the other 1%: the fact that<em> American Idol</em> is still on the air. What the hell are we even doing). I'd venture to guess that the children of the middle-aged mom I witnessed viciously scream at a Foot Locker employee over the lack of color choices for Nike Hyperdunks would rather just receive a plain old basketball and call it a year. If you're getting bent out of shape over a 20%-off coupon, you need to shred your credit cards and check yourself. Hard. This season is supposed to be fun; don't ruin it for the rest of us just because you didn't manage to snag the last Nerf N-Strike Elite Nerf Cam ECS-12 Blaster. The <img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=merchandising4-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00ILD58BO" style="border-image: none; border: currentColor !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />BOOMco. Rapid Madness Blaster<img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=merchandising4-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00FBW5E7G" style="border-image: none; border: currentColor !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" /> will suffice.<br />
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-39103466667642706612014-11-24T22:38:00.000-05:002014-11-24T22:38:52.512-05:00Playing With Myself for the Holidays<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In a nutshell</td></tr>
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I love my family. I frequently want to punch them all square in the face, but I love them. <br />
Going home for the holidays is great because it's a very rare occasion that all five of us (parentals + brothers + me) are in the same place at the same time, but in our household, the Three Day Rule stands: We love hanging out, laughing, retelling stories for the thousandth time, eating disgusting amounts of <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-love-you-chopped.html" target="_blank">food</a>, and sharing an understanding that the dog is the best thing that ever happened to the entire world; but after 72 hours, it's <em>definitely</em> time to go. <br />
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I'm sure your family is the same way. How does one survive family time without completely losing their shit? You <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/04/playing-with-myself.html" target="_blank">make a game out of it</a>, of course! See also: alcohol. <br />
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<u>Keep Away</u>: If every single member of your extended family gets along swimmingly, you practice witchcraft. We're all blood and should love each other unconditionally, blah blah blah, NEWS FLASH: Here in the real world, Uncle Ned and Cousin Bradley <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/10/celebrity-deathmatch-next-generation.html" target="_blank">hate each other's guts</a>. It's fantastic. What's not fantastic is their differing religious beliefs ruining the enjoyment of perfectly good stuffing, so it's fun to get creative with how far away from each other you can actually keep them. <br />
"Hey Uncle Ned! Have you ever seen my dance recital video from 1998? They're watching it now in the basement! All the way downstairs! Yep keep going."<br />
"Cousin Bradley remember when you backpacked through <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2011/06/oh-osterreich.html" target="_blank">Europe</a>? See if you still have your hiking skills and go upstairs."<br />
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<u>Mad Libs</u>: My grandma has gotten to the point where she can't remember anything. Conversations are carousel rides that touch on relationship status, how you like your job, if where you live is safe, and when you're coming to visit her. And round and round we go. If you truthfully answered these questions each time she asked (roughly 15 times each over the course of an hour), you would go crazy. Answering them differently each time may earn you dirty looks from the others, but Grandma is very accepting of whatever answer you give her (unless you say you're single), so you might as well keep it interesting.<br />
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<u>Wait What?</u>: My mom has an interesting habit of listening to you until she doesn't feel like it anymore, i.e. you're in the middle of your story and you can see her mentally removing herself from the moment. It's incredibly frustrating if you're not ready for it. If you are, you seize the opportunity and start talking about absolute bullshit. The goal is to see how absurd of a point you can get your story to until she tunes back in. <br />
"Oh so I went to this networking event a few weeks ago in the Lower East Side. It was cool, lots of freelance writers and..." *there she goes* "...heroin. Heroin everywhere. I shot it up with a midget who looked like the mini love child of Steve Buscemi and Giada de Laurentiis. His veins were collapsed so we had to find one in the bottom of his leprechaun foot. I also ate like five shish kabobs-" "FIVE?!"<br />
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<u>Puppy Puke</u>: People watch TV shows and think it's okay to give the dog human food because that's how kids on 1950s sitcoms got rid of their brussel sprouts. LOL classic. Fast forward to the pooch consuming turkey, cornbread, peas, and rice casserole over the course of three hours and try to guess if he'll puke all over the living room before or after your brother conveniently disappears when it's time to do the dishes. Another approach is to count the amount of times you tell your dad not to give the dog any people food because it's really not good for him, only to have him respond, "He likes it!" then tell you you're overreacting when you call him stupid while blotting vomit out of a rug. I hope you're reading this, Bill.<br />
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<u>The Significant Otherlympics</u>: Family calamity is one thing when you're generally immune to it. When you're an outsider who's trying to impress everyone while acting like the suffocating passive aggression wafting over the table isn't awkward at all, the holidays are taken to a completely new level. Watching your sibling's "special friend" try to keep their facial twitch under control while Aunt Susan blatantly insults your mom's cooking might as well be the height of a figure skater's triple axel: will they nail it? Will they fall? WHAT WILL HAPPEN? When two or more boyfriend/girlfriends are present at the table, you can pit them against each other in a battle of wits to see who deserves to still be around come <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2012/02/gifts-no-one-wants-on-valentines-day.html" target="_blank">Valentine's Day</a>:<br />
"Hey Pete, you're really pro gun control right?"<br />
"Yeah..."<br />
"And Brooke, you're an atheist right?"<br />
"...Yes..."<br />
"Wonderful. Have you met my grandpa? The 65-year member of the NRA and ruthless Catholic? Aaand GO!"<br />
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Good luck this holiday season! Maybe the fam will finally remember that you're a vegetarian (and have been since 2009) this year! Just kidding, they won't.<br />
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<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-34790556867165361302014-10-29T23:41:00.000-04:002014-10-30T11:56:07.447-04:006 Can-They-Please-Catch-On Beauty Trends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am a lover of all things beauty related. <br />
I have rewards accounts at both Ulta and Sephora that I monitor more stringently than my credit card balance; I have tried every new mascara that has ever been on the market; my hair routine for a night out is the stuff of legends; and I own six different kinds of makeup primer.<br />
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Once while getting ready, an old boyfriend started criticizing my lengthy beauty regimen and went so far as to add a soundtrack to the experience by playing "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-C-IbkuNWs" target="_blank">Waitin' on a Woman</a>" by Brad Paisley on repeat until I was finished. The fact that I witnessed him receiving high fives from strangers later that night aside (HUMBLE BRAG YOU'RE WELCOME), he <em>may</em> have had a point.<br />
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This could all be avoided if the beauty industry would ease up on the expectations and complicated routines. Did you know you're supposed to layer up to six different skincare products to achieve maximum facial perfection, AND that you should wait three to five minutes between each product? I love my medicine cabinet of potions but I am nowhere near that diligent.<br />
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The following are the 6 beauty trends that I wish would catch on for the sake of my schedule, my wallet, and my love life. Or maybe just the first two; a dude who wears Crocs should never have a definitive opinion on the way you do your thang. <br />
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1. <u>GROWN-bré</u> - My hair is naturally medium brown but I get it highlighted because Barbie was always cooler than her brunette friend Midge. Unfortunately, hair does this hilarious bit where it grows (in my case, rapidly) and my roots constantly reveal my secret too soon. Spending over $100 every six to eight weeks to keep up with my mane just isn't happening, so I propose we embrace GROWN-bré, where I completely abandon the upkeep of my highlights and everyone compliments me on my roots while admiring my laziness/cheapness. It's like when girls intentionally dye their hair ombré, except more poor.<br />
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2. <u>Callouses? More like CUTESES!</u> - My feet are absolutely disgusting and I'm weirdly proud of it. My pride and joy are my callouses, which are so thick from dance, running, and wearing absurdly sexy shoes that I could probably stick a needle half an inch into them before I started to feel anything (you're welcome for that visual). The ladies at the nail salon like to make a show out of pumicing these babies down when I get a pedicure, but why even bother? Smooth feet may be sexy feet but I'd much rather be the badass walking on broken glass without flinching. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhexFfuinRdPwx6Shf-dydq-0qoBizCZ84Pt65fg-wGWhY0Jy3u1Au0A47Ben91mQVl7WeEOX5o-OrkZvnA4RUESz9hupYxpT9_tFxTMUqayFjge4gx56EiGgFhZq-6vcgHzie27kzQQDQ/s1600/ugly-feet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhexFfuinRdPwx6Shf-dydq-0qoBizCZ84Pt65fg-wGWhY0Jy3u1Au0A47Ben91mQVl7WeEOX5o-OrkZvnA4RUESz9hupYxpT9_tFxTMUqayFjge4gx56EiGgFhZq-6vcgHzie27kzQQDQ/s1600/ugly-feet.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Problem solved!</td></tr>
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3. <u>Cough "Negative Space Manicure" Cough</u> - AKA let me wear my chipped nail polish in peace. Do I love how my nails look when they're perfectly painted and shiny? Yes. Do I use my hands way too much to keep them that way for longer than 12 hours? Nailed it (ba dum chh). Negative space manicures were a huge trend at Fashion Week and were dubbed the "cutout dress of the nail world," so by comparison I guess letting your mani completely go to shit could be considered the "ripped up skirt from sitting on the corner of U Street crying into the phone at your Uber driver Jesus Skylar get it together...of the nail world." Style is forever, you guys. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9rUjQdk0uwgpTWaMx7OBg9vFtuWRTIM4aXtlCZ4wTioZzW4qGdcYsE4Aa3SEteLZtv-HBet9nG7kLNKswmsN9y4mW9haWAqObHChRbxxmbHmrp1bR9hlta6zczqFCv4nxibvs3mfB4kg/s1600/fashionupdate8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9rUjQdk0uwgpTWaMx7OBg9vFtuWRTIM4aXtlCZ4wTioZzW4qGdcYsE4Aa3SEteLZtv-HBet9nG7kLNKswmsN9y4mW9haWAqObHChRbxxmbHmrp1bR9hlta6zczqFCv4nxibvs3mfB4kg/s1600/fashionupdate8.jpg" height="147" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just keepin' up with the trends</td></tr>
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4. <u>Uneven Eyeliner Wings</u> - This would change my outlook on life 110%. Why can't one extend a little further than the other? Why can't they be of varying thicknesses? Is it crucial that they both aim a little past the tip of my eyebrow? Did Twiggy realize the amount of stress she was putting on me when she spearheaded this trend in the 60s? It's too much. It is too. much. <br />
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5. <u>Legitimate Bedhead</u> - There's "I literally rolled out of bed and didn't even bother to glance at a hairbrush before I came here" bedhead, and then there's "I woke up two hours ago and used salt spray, root lifter, volumizing powder, and mousse along with a diffuser to look this nonchalant" bedhead. The former is reminiscent of homeless chic and causes friends to plan interventions, while the latter is a complete oxymoron. People who claim they achieve their look by doing the former are liars and can Derelick my balls, capítan.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohIHDEDsedpbHovlvNuINoJATdJotQ4nMr1LSFX-JSqEVca4Ss71vimrPOCG5v9d2JO3OHrs7HgsjPb8AR7JPkvzWuM5lzDC9_d4IBVvazIFhU4IeFUtH9hyphenhyphenAIEYJAl3pqKz1ZBREUWQ/s1600/b5553268966232c4220e9e706131ddf8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiohIHDEDsedpbHovlvNuINoJATdJotQ4nMr1LSFX-JSqEVca4Ss71vimrPOCG5v9d2JO3OHrs7HgsjPb8AR7JPkvzWuM5lzDC9_d4IBVvazIFhU4IeFUtH9hyphenhyphenAIEYJAl3pqKz1ZBREUWQ/s1600/b5553268966232c4220e9e706131ddf8.jpg" height="231" width="400" /></a></div>
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6. <u>Designer Dark Circles</u> - I'm tired, you're tired, we're all fucking tired, and I don't feel like faking being alert by pressing cold spoons on my eyes and caking on the concealer. Let's just accept that I look like a zombie, make our crack whore comparisons, and get on with our day. Standing in the makeup aisle analyzing plastic skin tone samples against my jawbone (or is it wrist?) to determine the most convincing shade for me is not only impossible but a serious waste of time, one that could probably afford me the extra twenty minutes of sleep I need to avoid dark circles in the first place. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVzobu1rm6zgPh2zKyPujoUU7kRpEKLPMz-huyDWGFw6p3yVuBB2XRcF_wkaFhAFiUQ3Yb2JD83n-s4zUoN5vtZ1Mc52vTiX_62SXjW6lGzJZFxCD8mVwVP_fVsJ5mP3SvvFLZBcb9yzI/s1600/Kim-Kardashian-Without-Makeup-Wallpapers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVzobu1rm6zgPh2zKyPujoUU7kRpEKLPMz-huyDWGFw6p3yVuBB2XRcF_wkaFhAFiUQ3Yb2JD83n-s4zUoN5vtZ1Mc52vTiX_62SXjW6lGzJZFxCD8mVwVP_fVsJ5mP3SvvFLZBcb9yzI/s1600/Kim-Kardashian-Without-Makeup-Wallpapers.jpg" height="250" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NO ONE IS SAFE</td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-3512033010600564122014-10-20T12:31:00.001-04:002014-10-20T12:31:37.150-04:00Celebrity Deathmatch: The Next Generation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5prTkO1hUhw2DoYwfSk0GY-kBXT6OboYGf-qBamBLwG-VASUvLcUsWxWEu9WDlSM0kHrZQgnKnc-TCRVs_5Qf2dJWMdl5EA3MrBKeWoT2NNbvknANLpwM6mQYzkfQ5qFXsOUe7DA0iw8/s1600/CelebrityDeathmatch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5prTkO1hUhw2DoYwfSk0GY-kBXT6OboYGf-qBamBLwG-VASUvLcUsWxWEu9WDlSM0kHrZQgnKnc-TCRVs_5Qf2dJWMdl5EA3MrBKeWoT2NNbvknANLpwM6mQYzkfQ5qFXsOUe7DA0iw8/s1600/CelebrityDeathmatch.jpg" height="320" width="293" /></a></div>
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Celebrity Deathmatch was easily the best show of the Y2K era. I fondly remember hiding under my grandma's bed to watch it in secret, as my mom had yelled at my older brothers for not only allowing me to watch it with them, but for watching it in general. Apparently ripping off a Claymation pop star's leg and beating them with it could be damaging to a 10-year-old's psyche, who knew?<br />
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Notable matches throughout the series were <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU4q6-Lwx-s" target="_blank">Ozzy Osbourne vs. Elton John</a>, Siskel vs. Ebert, and Ashlee Simpson vs. Her Old Nose. Aside from the fact that I unapologetically believe that today's high schoolers are a bunch of pansies who hide behind anti-bullying campaigns to avoid learning how to buck up and deal with a fucking situation [DEEP BREATH], I really think CDM would be a huge hit with the kids. Think of the bloody possibilities!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiUPnP5zygHUDpOjSaVEBdFEMWixJ7MuiywBmkfrVTSqrMkNtIWx6I5jkb23TgJvwDwoqLd5y_leotxjr4NCKE5TUdhXGYuK-Xe8hsudLjpDWgSb7q2uGqcTOWTtMnN6FeW3ipkZb-Jf4/s1600/kanye-west-taylor-swift-vma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiUPnP5zygHUDpOjSaVEBdFEMWixJ7MuiywBmkfrVTSqrMkNtIWx6I5jkb23TgJvwDwoqLd5y_leotxjr4NCKE5TUdhXGYuK-Xe8hsudLjpDWgSb7q2uGqcTOWTtMnN6FeW3ipkZb-Jf4/s1600/kanye-west-taylor-swift-vma.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a><u>Kanye West vs Taylor Swift</u> - The fact that CDM wasn't around for this blessing of pop culture scandal is a shame, for real and for true. TSwift could have started the action by bashing her VMA in Yeezus's geometrically-shaved head, a move that obviously would've been met with an, "I'll allow it!" by Mills Lane. Kanye could've ripped out Taylor's dangly earrings and gouged her eyes out with Beyoncé's spikey "Single Ladies" glove that started the whole debacle in the first place. Eventually Kanye would win and he, Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond would all perform said "Single Ladies" dance, in full black leotard get-up, on top of Taylor's dead body. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTCFf9-zjFzL1ATQpvcwarM2vkzvDsSJFnVPE6fuWK_fZm567TA6RiwFeVavUgwuvOmqqIXLM6Z0Sx_pWiae01B4Y_U_gZXeD-P3UP5-Ju_DEHW2Fkav4bLo1aNH1vuLpNAnbg3ltlKSE/s1600/ad_141905441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTCFf9-zjFzL1ATQpvcwarM2vkzvDsSJFnVPE6fuWK_fZm567TA6RiwFeVavUgwuvOmqqIXLM6Z0Sx_pWiae01B4Y_U_gZXeD-P3UP5-Ju_DEHW2Fkav4bLo1aNH1vuLpNAnbg3ltlKSE/s1600/ad_141905441.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a> <u>Orlando Bloom vs. Justin Bieber</u> - The two got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Ibiza over VS Angel and Girl I'd Go Gay For Miranda Kerr. Orlando Bloom is a terrible actor but he does have sword fighting skills thanks to <em>Pirates of the Caribbean</em>, so clearly he would break those out and decapitate Biebs in 2.5 seconds. The lower half of Justin's body would <a href="http://entertainthis.usatoday.com/2014/09/10/justin-bieber-strips-to-his-undies-at-fashion-rocks-show-and-gets-booed/" target="_blank">awkwardly strip down</a> to its Calvin Klein undies while the crowd boos it out of the ring. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGqOchSGiMCmvjuTo3cKhpazzQXKxy-NN_Gu3WU9T3SebIir2thiQ9ZBT490bl8b5F5xmfTvquPPkP0crMWn7dW94tQFfEPckyfbUkXlgfmeCt3dPE0gWc6SksKkdMASGYRAUOxQaKhpI/s1600/Gwyneth-Paltrow-e-Martha-Stewart-ex-amiche.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGqOchSGiMCmvjuTo3cKhpazzQXKxy-NN_Gu3WU9T3SebIir2thiQ9ZBT490bl8b5F5xmfTvquPPkP0crMWn7dW94tQFfEPckyfbUkXlgfmeCt3dPE0gWc6SksKkdMASGYRAUOxQaKhpI/s1600/Gwyneth-Paltrow-e-Martha-Stewart-ex-amiche.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<u>Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Martha Stewart</u> - Both of these ladies have been on CDM before: Martha fought Sandra Bernhard aka Roseanne's lesbian friend Nancy aka whatever you don't remember just keep reading while Gwyneth and Winona Ryder battled it out over who got the role in <em>Shakespeare in Love. </em>The Stewart vs. Paltrow fight comes from Martha saying, "If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart," which I think we can all agree is fucking badass. I have no idea how this fight would go, but it would somehow involve garlic aioli, monogrammed stationary, and crisp white collared shirts. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3DcQeOKo-TZh-CImtpdx7jvnZ3MoVzAiQn-MQT0r3DOwYKgEYPHBMFvbbNGTPIqs8UBagdlfzFUrre5pfM1dPzkGh_-VX5_i558wDhvxE8l90X9_9d-RUL8zwDGLVQBejAbQtkK8UrD4/s1600/1366708357_charlie-sheen-chuck-lorre-560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3DcQeOKo-TZh-CImtpdx7jvnZ3MoVzAiQn-MQT0r3DOwYKgEYPHBMFvbbNGTPIqs8UBagdlfzFUrre5pfM1dPzkGh_-VX5_i558wDhvxE8l90X9_9d-RUL8zwDGLVQBejAbQtkK8UrD4/s1600/1366708357_charlie-sheen-chuck-lorre-560.jpg" height="271" width="320" /></a></div>
<u>Charlie Sheen vs. Chuck Lorre</u> - The feud that resulted in Ashton Kutcher being the highest paid TV actor for three years running despite the fact that I had no idea <em>Two and a Half Men</em> was still even on the air would be an incredible fight to watch. Between Warlocks, Tiger Blood, and "winning" I cannot see this match going any way but incredibly right. Regardless of the physical outcome of the fight, I think Lorre still wins simply because he's got two of the highest rated sitcoms on TV and has a net worth of $600 million to Sheen's $125 million. <br />
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<u>Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj</u> - The two former American Idol judges basically didn't like each other because they're both divas with extensions who wanted to be the hottest one sitting next to Randy. As soon as Mills Lane yelled "Let's get it on!" Nicki would lunge at Mariah with her huge veneers and take a bit out of her stomach like <em>Jaws</em>. Mariah would be fine with this because her weight fluctuates so frequently that she basically just received free lipo. She would belt out a whistle note and completely explode Nicki's eardrums. She would then drop-kick her with a stiletto to the butt, popping it as the entire audience discovers that not only is Nicki's ass fake but it's stuffed with love letters from Drake. Nicki would summon all 600 of her alter egos to attack Mariah from every angle, one of which would suck the talent out of Mariah like Ursula did to Ariel in <em>The Little Mermaid</em>, and Nicki would finish her off with her line from "Did It On 'Em" which reads "If you could turn back time…Cher/ you used to be here now you gone…Nair." Mariah would give her a confused look and then die. <br />
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The fact of the matter is that MTV needs to bring this show back, because it was absolutely phenomenal. Our current crop of celebrities is better than ever; how else would we celebrate their stupidity than by cheering their animated versions on as they beat the living shit out of each other? <br />
This <em>is</em> America.<strong> </strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
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What other Celebrity Deathmatches would you want to see? Do you think we could petition the network to restart production? Does anyone even still watch MTV??<br />
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-87897216965753705752014-10-14T01:23:00.002-04:002014-10-14T01:27:04.980-04:00New Yorker? Not Yet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have lived in New York City for about a month and a half now. <br />
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The hierarchical years of service metric claims that I still have about seven years and 10.5 months until I can claim official "New Yorker" status, but I'm a fast learner, and until I've earned my stripes I'm at least taking note of what it will really take to be one of those geniuses who knows how to navigate the subway without using a map. <br />
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Here's how I know I've got a little ways to go:<br />
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<u><strong>I smile at passers-by</strong></u> - "Oh how courteous of you, Skylar." Wrong. This is not okay. People are uncomfortable when you look at them at all. Years of living in Kentucky (where the Kroger greeter met you with a, "Well hi there my darlin', how yew?") and Northern Virginia/DC (where passing a random yogger would at least get you a breathless "hey" plus head nod) completely ruined me for New York social interaction. The only person who wants to tell you how their day is going is the homeless man missing toenails on the 3 a.m. E Train and my friendliness stops there.<br />
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<u><strong>I buy too many groceries</strong></u> - In a technical sense, this is not true. Just as I've always done, I shop for enough food to get me through the week, although the added bonus of not having my car here means I buy enough to fit into two bags that I then get to carry a mile home. Apparently, I'm supposed to completely forgo the grocery list and eat all of my meals via Seamless. Why this is such a difficult transition for me to make I have no idea, because if living the American dream isn't getting a meatball parmigiana sandwich delivered at 1 p.m. and then again at 1 a.m. I don't know what is. <br />
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<u><strong></strong></u><br />
<strong><u>I wear color</u></strong> - My closet is color coordinated in rainbow order and is a collection of predominantly red, blue, and pink. I own three black tops and a black cardigan. That's all. New Yorkers don't wear color, primarily because of occurrences like the toenail-less gentleman above being a run-of-the-mill thing. If I'm wearing a bright yellow sweater and I sit down in the seat that he occupied not five minutes before, who really thinks that the layer of sidewalk on his jacket won't make it onto my clothes? Never mind a little dirt on my back, I might also be pregnant. All black errthang is the way to go.<br />
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<strong><u>I say "very"</u></strong> - It's "mad," e.g. "That bagel place is mad busy on Saturday" and "Girl your hair is mad long, whatchu use, Argan oil?" (unfortunately the latter has been taken from recent events and was said by a straight dude.) I sound like an idiot when I say anything even remotely slang-y, which is why, wish as I might, I could never move to Boston because I would be the weirdo painfully trying to work "wicked" into conversation. Same applies here.<br />
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<strong><u>I never see anyone I know</u></strong> - In NoVA, I couldn't go to a Target 45 miles away from my house without seeing an old soccer coach or the girl from my high school photography class who overplucked her eyebrows (and was still suffering the consequences). In a population of just over 2.5 million people, that's not ridiculous, but it's also kind of ridiculous. I live eight miles away from Midtown in a population of nearly 8.5 million people and I never recognize a soul. I do have friends in the city, but I'm pretty sure most of them are avoiding me as a polite way of saying, "I never actually liked you, bitch" which I totally respect and understand. As far as new friends go, the "psychic" down the street who always sees something in my aura when I walk by and I are like<em> this</em>.<br />
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<strong><u>I don't care about baseball</u></strong> - Mets, Yankees, it really doesn't matter to me. There were grown men crying over Jeter's retirement and I didn't even know it was his last game until the day of. I've been told I need to pick a team and devote my life to it, but at a recent trip to Citi Field I didn't even realize the game was over until it was over (and the Mets lost, if anyone wanted the biggest shock of their life). I am a Giants fan through and through, and while I own a Knicks jersey, I would scrounge for Nets tickets in a heartbeat if they led to a potential sighting of Queen Bey. Unfortunately I just don't see myself ever genuinely caring enough about the Mets/Yankees rivalry. Not even sorry.<br />
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-30377223926041958522014-09-08T12:54:00.001-04:002014-09-08T12:54:29.069-04:00The Fuber<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yet again, <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/03/kasually-kidnapped-part-1.html" target="_blank">I should not be alive</a>.<br />
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I know, I know, I should probably start blaming myself for these things, but really,<strong> again</strong>, this wasn't totally my fault. Who shames the victim anyway? Don't be that guy.<br />
<br />
Let's start at the beginning, where everything always seems normal and pleasant:<br />
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This weekend I was out in the Upper East Side grabbing drinks with a friend. Great night, great bars, great drinks, great times. Neither of us were in the mood to truly rage, so 1 a.m. rolls around and we go our separate ways. <br />
Seeing as I just moved to the city like, two weeks ago, the Subway system still terrifies me. <br />
Seeing as no one cares about my<a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/01/with-sense-of-fear-and-irrationalitaaaay.html" target="_blank"> neuroses</a>, and weekend track construction is a thing, changes to the late night lines are an inevitably confusing problem.<br />
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I hopped on the 4 train only to discover that my connection to the E would not be happening as I originally planned, and I needed to take the 6 back to Grand Central to get on the 7 to connect to the E later down the line.<br />
If the previous sentence makes sense to you, you're either a saint or sober. At the time, I was neither, and although four drinks don't exactly do me in, they make any trip involving that many numbers and letters turn into quite the production. Still, I managed to follow directions reasonably well, and got off at my transfer station in Jackson Heights.<br />
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As soon as I stepped off the train and it pulled away I knew I was in the wrong place. The two trannies I encountered a few seconds later confirmed it. Luckily, I'm used to this shit by now, and I calmly stepped off to the side to consult my phone and the many transit apps I had installed the day I moved here.<br />
Suddenly a stout man with grease stains on his shirt appeared by my side out of nowhere, speaking to me in Spanish. I ignored him and silently apologized to Señora Baker for spending both Español I and II in high school doing my homework for other classes. I noticed him gesturing towards the trannies standing close by and realized he was either asking if I was part of their clique or wondering if the one on the left was a natural blonde (Answer to both: no. I was wearing a sundress and gladiator sandals for God's sake. Harsh roots though, girl). I glanced at him, shook my head, ignored him while he yelled something that was definitely not, "Where is the library, friend?" and put my full attention and trust back into Moovit. <br />
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To get to a station that would take me back to Queens, I would have to walk nine minutes. Not a substantial amount of time at any other point of the day, but at 1:45 a.m. when you're tired, have lost your buzz, and have just been made aware that you have mannish features, nine minutes is a lifetime. Couldn't do it, so I called an Uber.<br />
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Amrin and his Toyota Highlander would be there to pick me up in six minutes. Perfect! I would definitely be thoroughly creeped out by the produce vendor on the corner making sexy eyes at me by then! My phone notified me that I had just hit 10% battery life, which is pretty standard for these situations, so I put it away and awaited my chariot's arrival.<br />
Two minutes later a shiny black SUV crosses the intersection and the driver gestures at me. Amrin apparently replaced Paul Walker in <em>Fast and Furious 7</em> and I could not be more pleased with the casting choice. <br />
I approach the car's open passenger window.<br />
"Uber?"<br />
"Yiss."<br />
And so commences a potential episode of <em>Dateline: Missing in America</em>.<br />
<br />
The driver is very pleasant, asking me how my night was and making the usual Uber small talk that is typically cut short by one of my friends in the backseat screaming, "CAN YOU TURN ON THE RADIO?!" We discussed the humidity, how I used to <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/06/rules-for-riding-metro.html" target="_blank">live in DC</a>, how driving in the city is a nightmare, and how cigarettes were a gross habit that I should definitely join him in on our ride because "You are eh-young, is no problem." Valid point, but I passed anyway.<br />
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Then my phone rings. Unknown number. <br />
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"Hello?"<br />
"Hi, it's Amrin. I'm outside Bank of America in the black Highlander. Do you see me?"<br />
Uhhh...fuck.<br />
I glance at the Driver Formerly Known As Amrin, who is distracted by the gay bar on the corner blasting Skrillex.<br />
"Well I thought I was with you already but apparently not."<br />
"What?"<br />
"Yeahhh...I've got a ride right now but I might be calling you back."<br />
"What?"<br />
"I'll call you back."<br />
<br />
I hang up and look back at Stranger Danger. <br />
Buzz: gone. Nerves: ignited. Game face: on. I have way too great of hair to disappear into someone's basement for a decade, okay? This was not going to happen on my watch.<br />
"I'm sorry, what did you say your name was again?" I asked.<br />
"Alex." <em>Shit.</em> "What is yours?"<em> </em><br />
"Jessica."<br />
"Is very nice to meet you."<br />
"You too!!!"<br />
<br />
My overenthusiasm was a ploy to scare him into briefly forgetting which <em>Taken</em> dungeon I would soon be inhabiting. <br />
"So you are married?" <em>Translation: Who will come looking for you when you're gone?</em><br />
"Nope."<br />
"Never been married?" <em>Translation: Did your ex-husband love you enough to come find you when you're gone?</em><br />
"Never."<br />
"You have children?" <em>Translation: What are we working with down there?</em><br />
"No."<br />
"You have boyfriend?" <em>Translation: Sweet Allah have I hit the jackpot?!</em><br />
"YES!"<br />
"You do?"<br />
"Yes yes yes."<br />
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(As every girl who has encountered a <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/07/surprise-studs-not-really-bar-dads.html" target="_blank">sketchy bro at the bar</a> knows, the answer is always yes. Always.)<br />
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During this transaction I go to my recent calls and dial everyone that is not my parents. Three separate people, multiple redials, no answers. THANKS A HEAP GUYS, REALLY APPRECIATE THE FRIENDSHIP. I am simultaneously watching Alex's every turn and making note of the streets we are on, realizing we are, in fact, going in the opposite direction of my apartment. Classic.<br />
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<br />
"Uh-oh Alex, I think 67th Street is the other way!"<br />
"No no, we are taking short cut to avoid lights. Is faster, trust me."<br />
"Ten blocks the other way is faster? That's so weird."<br />
"Yiss."<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I'm still haphazardly dialing each number in my recent call log, wondering why I associate with lame-o's who aren't up, out, and about at 2 a.m. on a Friday.<br />
<br />
"Alex why don't we just go the regular way. You can drop me off at 67th Street, then there aren't lights to deal wi-" <br />
"Is no problem."<br />
"Actually it kind of is. Just drop me off at 67th Street."<br />
"You sure?"<br />
"Yes."<br />
"Is no problem."<br />
"67th Street, please."<br />
"....Hokay."<br />
<br />
We pull a death-defying U-ie and Alex is chain smoking like an Indonesian toddler, visibly displeased with how this night has turned out. That makes two of us, pal. He casually misses the first opportunity to turn onto 67th Street, holding onto hope that I'll change my mind and be the drugged out Princess Leia to his Jabba the Hutt.<br />
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<br />
"Right there."<br />
"Huh?"<br />
"67th Street is right up there. You can pull over."<br />
"Is okay, I take you the whole way."<br />
"No no it's really, really fine<em>.</em> Right there is fine."<br />
"You sure?"<br />
"Riiiiight there."<br />
<br />
He stares at me for a solid ten seconds and then slowly pulls over, passing over the first option of the vacant fire hydrant space because <em>that</em> would be illegal. <br />
<br />
Before he can child lock the doors and strangle me with his Brooklyn Nets lanyard, I say, "Alright well great thanks so much have a great night!" leaping out of the car and race-walking in a zig-zag up the street, as you are supposed to do to wild predators. I never looked back, but I know he waited in that spot until I was completely out of sight. <br />
<br />
And that is how I escaped the Fuber, or the Fake Uber. As always, I'm sure a certain level of naïveté contributed to this mess, but I can't help but wonder when my nine cat lives will run out and I won't have the opportunity to write about my death-defying adventures for you folks. <br />
<br />
I need a chaperone. </div>
Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-75560034303028969642014-09-03T10:59:00.000-04:002014-09-03T10:59:52.272-04:00Instagram Stole My Sanity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I legitimately think I'm losing my mind, and it's all thanks to an app.<br />
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<br />
I posted my last <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-instagreement.html" target="_blank">Instagram</a> picture sometime back at the beginning of June. <br />
I've done many things since then. <br />
<a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/08/how-to-uneventfully-get-your-wisdom.html" target="_blank">Exciting things</a>. <br />
Fun things.<br />
Adventurous things. <br />
Things I want to brag about to everyone I know. <br />
How am I supposed to do that, call them on the phone? <strong>Screw that</strong>. I want them to ogle my exceptional life via square photos.<br />
<br />
When my photos first wouldn't post, I gave Instagram the benefit of the doubt. <br />
"Oh, it's just a silly little mishap. Probably too much traffic from people posting regrettable Memorial Day Weekend pics. No problem. Maybe I shouldn't be THAT GUY and post a picture of my Blueberry and Peach Coffee Cake anyway," I thought.<br />
<br />
Then I baked strawberry soufflé. Then I saw a homeless man wearing a full-on Cat in the Hat costume with Mardi Gras beads on my lunch break. Then it was <strong><em><a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/06/24-pieces-of-advice-for-18-year-old.html" target="_blank">my birthday</a></em></strong>. Then my friends from Louisville came to visit. And I couldn't post any of those pictures.<br />
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<br />
This is the screen that appears whenever I try to upload something.<br />
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<br />
My friends, though sympathetic, are no help at all.<br />
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I've reported my problem to Instagram Help Center which basically told me it was my fault and I should find a stronger WiFi connection and/or get a life. <br />
In reference to the former: my WiFi connection is solid.<br />
In reference to the latter: uh, fat chance.<br />
<br />
So now I'm left with one option; the point that I never actually want to reach but which seems to come so naturally to me: complain mercilessly. <br />
Reporting my specific problem to Instagram has done absolutely nothing, so I've taken to <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/05/untweetable.html" target="_blank">Twitter</a> to show them not only how perplexed I am, but that desperation mixed with mental instability is a cocktail in which I indulge on a daily basis.<br />
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Please, Instagram, I beg of you, just fix my account. I'm trying to be the voice of a generation, and I can't very well do that without participating in Throwback Thursday.</div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-72419177740457361532014-08-26T12:24:00.003-04:002014-08-26T12:24:30.753-04:00Skylar's 2014 Emmy's Fashion Recap<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Samira Wiley - I want that dress in every color and I want to wear it on the subway and to eat at Subway. <br />
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Kiernan Shipka - Brock Lesnar wants his WWE Championship Belt back.<br />
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Natasha Lyonne - I think that midi dresses make me look short and have <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/06/how-to-play-fat-or-pregnant.html" target="_blank">fat calves</a> therefore everyone wearing midi dresses looks short and has fat calves.<br />
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Hayden Panettiere - <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2011/04/lylas-women-id-like-to-meet_13.html" target="_blank">You are flawless</a> and I will find the first homeless man on the street to impregnate me to be even closer to the perfection that you personify.<br />
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<br />
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - For I have seen the nipple on your soul. <---Completely irrelevant, but Seinfeld quotes are always appropriate.<br />
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Keke Palmer - If there's one surefire way to make yourself known when your career is on the brink of major stardom, it's to show some serious boobage. She gets it.<br />
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Giuliana Rancic - Donatella Versace if Donatella Versace was featured on a <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-to-do-pose-ie-how-to-look.html" target="_blank">UNICEF</a> commercial.<br />
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Lena Dunham - This is the biggest, pinkest can't that ever can'ted. <br />
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Clare Danes - Hopefully didn't squat to pee under any evergreens on the red carpet lest she be confused for a Christmas tree skirt.<br />
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Louise Roe - This looks like a tampon on the last day of your period. <br />
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Dascha Polanco - The theme song of the night for her boobs and armpits: "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley.<br />
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Kristen Wiig - You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine! <br />
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Sarah Paulson - And from The Green Mile Collection, we can see that John Coffey has once again vomited up the evil spirit in gnat form to create this ensemble.<br />
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Lizzy Caplan - You're a regulation hottie.<br />
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Kaley Cuoco - This is what you wear on <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2012/02/gifts-no-one-wants-on-valentines-day.html" target="_blank">Valentine's Day</a> when you are definitely single and have no plans of rectifying that situation any time soon.<br />
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Gwen Stefani - Looks like the girl in <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/08/ugly-boybanders-of-yesteryear.html" target="_blank">O-Town's</a> Liquid Dreams video. They were underrated, so I fully support this look.<br />
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<em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photos by Getty/not my property/don't sue</span></em></div>
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<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-72162563716375182472014-08-10T15:07:00.001-04:002023-03-16T15:55:22.022-04:00How To Uneventfully Get Your Wisdom Teeth Removed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I got my wisdom teeth out this weekend. <br />
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Medically, it went as planned, i.e. four teeth were removed and I'm assuming the surgeon wore gloves. However, as is to be expected from my life, it was <em>quite</em> the experience in every other way possible. How does one turn a seemingly run-of-the-mill procedure into a full-on calamitous event? Wellll....<br />
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<u>Step 1</u>: Arrive on time yet completely unprepared to fill out the paper work. Where is your insurance card? Beats me. Where is your referral form from your dentist? I actually <em>do</em> know, but the answer is not, "Right here in my purse." Did you fast for six hours? Yes. No water either? Nope (lie). Shake violently out of nervousness.<br />
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<u>Step 2</u>: Meet with your surgeon. Get reprimanded once again for not having your referral form (no one told me!). Have a group chat to examine your x-rays and decide what needs to be done, as if we're renovating a sunroom. Find out that while all four teeth are impacted, the bottom two are stuck in your jaw bone and the roots are either cuddling with your inferior alveolar nerve or have it in a chokehold. Removal of the bottom teeth could leave you with permanent nerve damage in your jaw. Cute!<br />
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<u>Step 3</u>: Be presented with three options: completely remove all teeth, do nothing to the bottom two and wait for them to get infected thus prompting emergency removal, or get a Coronectomy aka chop off the tops of your teeth but leave the roots intact so as not to disturb their sexy time with your nerve. Ask surgeon why none of this was ever brought to your attention before because uhhh it seems a bit serious. He avoids the question. Ask again. He avoids. Start crying and yelling at him that dentistry is horseshit. Essentially watch the scene from <em>Knocked Up</em> play out right before your, your mom's, and the assistant doctor's eyes:<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Swap teeth for vaginas and this is exactly what happened</span></div>
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<u>Step 4</u>: Surgeon will ask you to consider all options and come back in a week.</div>
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Skylar - Actually, I'm moving to New York in two weeks so that's not going to work for me.</div>
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Surgeon - *Scoffs at your ambition*</div>
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Tell him to give you five minutes. He scoffs again. Continue to cry. He storms out of the room.</div>
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<u>Step 5</u>: Surgeon returns. Have him shove consent forms in your face without explaining what's going on. Apparently you're agreeing to the Coronectomy because that's what he thinks is the best idea. Good talk, bro. </div>
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Surgeon - This is the hardest procedure I will do all day.</div>
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Skylar - OH REALLY THAT'S COMFORTING.</div>
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<u>Step 6</u>: Surgeon will speak to everyone in the room except you. Mom steps in and says, "Uh, she's right here." He tells doctor's assistant to prep Room 6 and leaves. Immediately burst into tears and throw in some hyperventilation for good measure. Everyone tells you to calm down, which obviously helps a ton. </div>
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<u>Step 7</u>: Get escorted to Room 6. Immediately notice Ryan Reynolds look-a-like assistant and suddenly feel calm, cool, collected, and angry at yourself for not wearing any makeup. He puts a blanket on you, which seems a bit forward considering the other people in the room but hey you're down if he is. Unfortunately he seems more interested in doctor's assistant. Grey's Anatomy is real.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scrubs optional</td></tr>
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<u>Step 8</u>: Get tubes shoved up your nose and offer up your arm so they can insert the IV, which goes off without a hitch because you have very prominent veins. Shout out to doing bi's and tri's last week. #killinit #fitfam #weightlifting #swole</div>
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**GET HACKED UP**</div>
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<u>Step 9</u>: Come to in a holding room with your mom laughing at you hysterically. </div>
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Skylar - Do I look good enough for a beauty pageant?</div>
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Mom - Oh definitely.</div>
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Skylar - K good because I have one next week.</div>
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Mom - You do?</div>
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Skylar - Mhmmmmm.</div>
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[guy in next room singing "I Gotta Feeling"]</div>
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Skylar - Tell him I can join in if he wants, I totally know this song.</div>
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Skylar - Mom, when they tried to put my IV in I had to look away because I hate needles and blood.</div>
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Mom - I know.</div>
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Skylar - On campus in Louisville they always asked me to give blood and I always said I wanted to but I didn't weigh enough....*whispering* but I doooooo.</div>
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<u>Step 10</u>: Go directly home and pass out, but not before Snapchatting this picture to all of your friends:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTJpHEwEqULzNeAyGfbUnZlZgaKh72EecLD14mQQkWk1UhNGWzH-xTyjY5GcG-AhYWU7XE9iEkejr8mBt_Fyspjt5_WcofFu9jVK-dOMl8fFDR1Ypx1ZnPh_EqEds5KIIVamtx4xCDGjo/s1600/Snapchat-20140810023910.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTJpHEwEqULzNeAyGfbUnZlZgaKh72EecLD14mQQkWk1UhNGWzH-xTyjY5GcG-AhYWU7XE9iEkejr8mBt_Fyspjt5_WcofFu9jVK-dOMl8fFDR1Ypx1ZnPh_EqEds5KIIVamtx4xCDGjo/s1600/Snapchat-20140810023910.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
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<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em><span style="color: #a071cf;">@BTDubs_Skylar</span></em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7542848595436825915.post-11512973906390657282014-07-25T13:45:00.000-04:002014-07-28T13:00:10.411-04:007 Reasons Why I Defriended You<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We're all adults here. As adults, we understand that sometimes friendships just don't work out. It's not anything anyone said or did or thought, it's just a fact...<br />
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Unless it's a Facebook friendship. In that case, a connection between two people relies <em>solely</em> on what is said or done or thought. If Christina and Sarah can see my profile but you can't anymore, and you don't know why, you probably committed one of the following crimes against my sanity:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>We're full broken, not just bent</em></td></tr>
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<u>You Got Married</u> - Lesbihonest: We weren't that great of friends in college. I actually almost defriended you a year and a half ago, but then you got engaged and I just had to see which <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/11/100-lessons-ive-learned-from-pinterest.html" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> crafts you chose to employ in your reception (beautiful vintage lantern centerpieces, by the way). I'll stick it out for a week after the big day to view your pictures from the honeymoon in Punta Cana, but then we're back to square one, where the only conversation we've ever had was about our Shakespeare II class. Soon enough, every #TBT will be of three weeks ago (THAT'S NOT A THROWBACK) and how shocked you still are about being "<a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2012/04/we-wasted-good-surprise-on-you.html" target="_blank">Mrs. Brown</a>!" <strong>Byeeee.</strong><br />
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<u>You Are Now Your Baby</u> - <em>Where'd you go? / </em><em>I miss you so / </em><em>Your profile pic is now a baby / </em><em>In a Graco</em><br />
Fine, your kid is adorable. His chubby Michelin Man legs evoke squeals of delight and I want to squeeze his cheeks. That being said, is he that fat because he ate you? Because I haven't seen your face grace my timeline in a solid three months. Children are beautiful miracles, yes, but I would like some indication that you still exist. Replacing your profile picture and cover photo with <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2013/06/how-to-name-your-baby.html" target="_blank">Avery's</a> face and replacing all of your embarrassing college albums with pictures of all of her "firsts" is zero fun for me to stalk. <strong>Peace and blessinz.</strong><br />
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<u>You Advertise Your Good Deed</u> - Hayley Joel Osment could've payed it forward to a lot more than three people if he had posted about his deeds on social media. Here's my thing: I'm proud of you for being a kind person and helping people in need; good on you, Mother Theresa, that's very admirable. I just think it loses a little bit of its sparkle when you post a three paragraph status detailing how saintly you are. Doing things out of the goodness of your heart is respectable--doing things to get 34 'likes' in five minutes is not. Keep it to yourself. <strong>Take it easy.</strong><br />
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<u>You and Your Boyfriend Apparently Don't Have Phones</u> - If you have to post "I love you!"'s and "You're the best!"'s on your <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2011/07/fb-tendencies.html" target="_blank">significant other's wall </a>every other day, you won't even make it to the first grievance on this list. Text each other. Call each other. Be with each other. I feel like the third wheel of a hang out sesh I didn't even RSVP to and now I'm super uncomfortable, making comments about the episode of Shark Tank that, apparently, I'm the only one watching. <strong>Deuces.</strong> <br />
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<u>You Post Pictures of Your Paleo Meals</u> - "OMG guys this Dairy Free Dark Chocolate Coconut Pudding is so much better than <a href="http://btdubs-skorbs.blogspot.com/2014/01/when-calories-dont-count.html" target="_blank">regular pudding</a>." Easyyy, there's no reason to be a fucking liar. I have followed your fitness journey long enough to see ab definition and a singular chin, I'm over it now. Ya look good. Why do you continue to accost me with nightly snapshots of your hunter-gatherer dinner? If you think I'm going to believe that your cauliflower crust pizza is better than my Papa John's Double Bacon 6-Cheese you're wrong. Eat some gluten, live a little. <strong>See ya later.</strong> <br />
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<u>You're a Staunch Republican</u> - Subscribe to whatever political affiliation you wish, that's all you, girl. Hell, open up an educated conversation about current issues, we could use a few more intelligent people speaking their minds. The second you start attacking a specific group of people or way of life simply because TFM sold you a "Reagan Bush '84" tank is the second I stop respecting your opinion. Having a view on a governmental matter is not a segue into being a douche. <strong>Seacrest out.</strong><br />
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<u>You Don't Ring a Bell</u> - I literally don't know who you are. <strong>Awkward squint and head tilt.</strong> <br />
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<em>Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me </em><a href="https://twitter.com/BTDubs_Skylar" target="_blank"><em>@BTDubs_Skylar</em></a><em>!</em></div>
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Skorbshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609012009844495073noreply@blogger.com0