Celebrity Deathmatch: The Next Generation

Celebrity Deathmatch was easily the best show of the Y2K era. I fondly remember hiding under my grandma's bed to watch it in secret, as my mom had yelled at my older brothers for not only allowing me to watch it with them, but for watching it in general. Apparently ripping off a Claymation pop star's leg and beating them with it could be damaging to a 10-year-old's psyche, who knew?

Notable matches throughout the series were Ozzy Osbourne vs. Elton John, Siskel vs. Ebert, and Ashlee Simpson vs. Her Old Nose. Aside from the fact that I unapologetically believe that today's high schoolers are a bunch of pansies who hide behind anti-bullying campaigns to avoid learning how to buck up and deal with a fucking situation [DEEP BREATH], I really think CDM would be a huge hit with the kids. Think of the bloody possibilities!

Kanye West vs Taylor Swift - The fact that CDM wasn't around for this blessing of pop culture scandal is a shame, for real and for true. TSwift could have started the action by bashing her VMA in Yeezus's geometrically-shaved head, a move that obviously would've been met with an, "I'll allow it!" by Mills Lane. Kanye could've ripped out Taylor's dangly earrings and gouged her eyes out with Beyoncé's spikey "Single Ladies" glove that started the whole debacle in the first place. Eventually Kanye would win and he, Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond would all perform said "Single Ladies" dance, in full black leotard get-up, on top of Taylor's dead body.

Orlando Bloom vs. Justin Bieber - The two got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Ibiza over VS Angel and Girl I'd Go Gay For Miranda Kerr. Orlando Bloom is a terrible actor but he does have sword fighting skills thanks to Pirates of the Caribbean, so clearly he would break those out and decapitate Biebs in 2.5 seconds. The lower half of Justin's body would awkwardly strip down to its Calvin Klein undies while the crowd boos it out of the ring.

Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Martha Stewart - Both of these ladies have been on CDM before: Martha fought Sandra Bernhard aka Roseanne's lesbian friend Nancy aka whatever you don't remember just keep reading while Gwyneth and Winona Ryder battled it out over who got the role in Shakespeare in Love. The Stewart vs. Paltrow fight comes from Martha saying, "If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart," which I think we can all agree is fucking badass. I have no idea how this fight would go, but it would somehow involve garlic aioli, monogrammed stationary, and crisp white collared shirts.

Charlie Sheen vs. Chuck Lorre - The feud that resulted in Ashton Kutcher being the highest paid TV actor for three years running despite the fact that I had no idea Two and a Half Men was still even on the air would be an incredible fight to watch. Between Warlocks, Tiger Blood, and "winning" I cannot see this match going any way but incredibly right. Regardless of the physical outcome of the fight, I think Lorre still wins simply because he's got two of the highest rated sitcoms on TV and has a net worth of $600 million to Sheen's $125 million.

Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj - The two former American Idol judges basically didn't like each other because they're both divas with extensions who wanted to be the hottest one sitting next to Randy. As soon as Mills Lane yelled "Let's get it on!" Nicki would lunge at Mariah with her huge veneers and take a bit out of her stomach like Jaws. Mariah would be fine with this because her weight fluctuates so frequently that she basically just received free lipo. She would belt out a whistle note and completely explode Nicki's eardrums. She would then drop-kick her with a stiletto to the butt, popping it as the entire audience discovers that not only is Nicki's ass fake but it's stuffed with love letters from Drake. Nicki would summon all 600 of her alter egos to attack Mariah from every angle, one of which would suck the talent out of Mariah like Ursula did to Ariel in The Little Mermaid, and Nicki would finish her off with her line from "Did It On 'Em" which reads "If you could turn back time…Cher/ you used to be here now you gone…Nair." Mariah would give her a confused look and then die.

The fact of the matter is that MTV needs to bring this show back, because it was absolutely phenomenal. Our current crop of celebrities is better than ever; how else would we celebrate their stupidity than by cheering their animated versions on as they beat the living shit out of each other?
This is America.  


What other Celebrity Deathmatches would you want to see? Do you think we could petition the network to restart production? Does anyone even still watch MTV??

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Chris Brown & Justin Bieber: The Fat Obnoxious Girls at the Bar

Justin Bieber posted an edgy black and white pic to Instagram on Monday to announce that he and Chris Breezy were in the studio recording a new train wreck of cracked out vocal runs and excessive-yet-necessary autotune "for the fans."

Upon receiving this update via Twitter--because it's NEWS--I made this face:

which is the exact same expression that appears when I'm at a bar and I spot my least favorite patrons walk through the door: The Fat Obnoxious Girls. Coincidence? I think not.

Let's clear something up from the get-go: I don't hate them because they're fat, they're fat because I hate them. And bigger girls can look sexy as hell if they know how to properly dress what their mama gave them. FOGs don't, and as soon as they walk in with their lopsided tube tops and mini skirts that even my friend with Hyperthyroidism wouldn't touch, they're automatically added to the Can You Not? List.

FOGs enter any venue already making a scene. "Woo!"ing and shimmying and screeching along to "Don't You Worry Child." "LET'S TAKE A SHAHT!" they scream at each other. "I BET I CAN DRINK MORE THAN YOU!" they scream at the two guys at the bar. "ARE YOU GONNA BUY US FIREBALL SHAHTS?!" they again scream at the two guys at the bar. The two guys at the bar are too nice/frightened not to, so the four take their shots.

"I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT!" the FOGs scream. It is 11:30. "OHMIGAHD AVICII LET'S DANCE!" The two guys at the bar are dragged to the dance floor to be mercilessly grinded on.

The mini skirts are creeping up to unfortunate locations, and no effort is being made to pull them down. So much skin. The guys at the bar evacuate the dance floor but the FOGs don't care and continue to grind on each other, shooting heavily-black-eyeshadowed "YEAH YOU WANT THIS" glances to other innocent victims who respond with vehement head shakes.
"AHAHAHA EVERYONE'S WATCHING US!" they scream at each other. Half-true; it's really hard to look away when a hoo-ha is about to introduce itself to the world and armpit deodorant balls are glowing in the blacklight.

The event photographer is gathering a group for a photo, and the FOGs do not hesitate to jump right in.

The FOGs automatically think that this group is their new party crew and decide to join in on multiple additional pictures...

...in which it's painfully clear they do not belong. After three or four more photo bombs, one of the members of the group asks, "I'm sorry, do we know you?" to which FOG #1 replies, "YOU WANNA FIGHT BITCH?!" and immediately reaches for a chunk of hair.

A girl brawl breaks out: kicking, slapping, haphazard fists that only make contact maybe twice. The bouncer tries to break it up but FOG #1 is a pro and has latched on to Group Member's upper arm. FOG #2 supportively screeches, "YEAH THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!" but won't get physically involved because she's the prettier one, knows it, and doesn't want to risk facial injury.
The fight is eventually controlled, boobs are reinserted into tops, and all participating parties are asked to leave the bar. "FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK ALL Y'ALL! ALL Y'ALL ARE RACIST!" the FOGs scream, ignoring the fact that everyone in the general vicinity is white.

They continue to talk loudly about how they're never giving money to "this shitty hole in the wall" ever again (just like they did when they left last weekend) and FOG #1 lights an e-cig while they wait for a cab outside. 

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