Female Body Inspector? FBI! You're Hysterical: Male Halloween Costumes, Explained

I love me a clever Halloween costume. As evidenced by last year’s “sexy” costume post, I’m all for creativity, but you really do walk a fine line between looking hot and being the butt of everyone’s joke the whole night (Sexy Bacon? You’re making breakfast time taste like lap dances and a father’s tears).

 

For the guys, it’s really not about looking hot as it is being “funny,” a term we will use very loosely throughout this entire post. “Look ladies, I’m wearing my personality! Could it be any easier to find someone else to talk to tonight?” How many costumes can they really make that either suggest that the wearer has a ginormous Krull the Warrior King or force hoes to shove their boobs in his face, and what exactly does the costume say about the guy as a whole? Let’s find out:

 

Wholesome Disney Character Costume – You either have kids, or are in the complete opposite direction and have never been laid. Ever. More than likely you are wearing this to a neighborhood costume party where your wife is a big puffy version of Buzz Lightyear (because who does she have to impress anymore?), but should you find yourself at a bar at 1 a.m., you will definitely only be taking one and a half Gummi Bear shots and drunkenly telling a Sexy Ninja Turtle, “But I like, respect you, you know what I mean?” right before you go home alone.

 

Rub Me Genie – Get it? It’s like asking for a hand job. Because at 26 years old that’s exactly what you should be going for. Your friends really don’t like you or else they would have talked you out of this horrendous get-up. Rub your own lamp, weirdo.

 

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man – You’re a heavy drinker (read: alcoholic) and a man with a plan; I admire you. You’re aware of the fact that you will be getting unbelievably trashed tonight, so when you’re swaying around and falling into people, you know they can’t get mad because you’re just staying in character. This is genius. Carry on. Also, Family Guy references are always crowd pleasers, it’s just a fact of life.

 

Weed – Nothing says, “I’m unemployed!” like a marijuana leaf costume. You’ve also just placed a big target on your back because if a group of guys come stumbling out of a bar, who do you think the cops are going to zero in on first? You guessed it: the bro who looks like he dropped $75 on a ticket to The String Cheese Incident concert.

 

The Joker – It’s been done. You’re either lazy, completely oblivious to any advances in pop culture, or a Bar Dad. To be fair, it’s most likely all three. Seriously though, there’s even been another Batman movie to come out since this one, you really need to get with the times.

 

Charlie Sheen – Can’t wait to hear you yell out, “Winning!” all night with your buddy The Joker. Go home.

 

Robin Thicke – You, sir, are doing it right. Culturally relevant in every possible way, this costume could either be a happy accident or the ploy of an extremely strategic young man. Women will flock to you for one of several reasons: 1) Every Woo Girl in the place will assemble when the DJ plays “Blurred Lines” for the umpteenth time. “OMIGAHH I LOVE THIS SONGGGG YOU SING IT SO GOOD!” 2) You have un/intentionally invited multiple ladies to twerk all up on ya throughout the course of the night. If you play this correctly, you can start a twerking contest in which five skinny white girls will drunkenly grind on your junk trying to outdo each other, and one black girl will step in to show them how it’s really done. Major, major kudos.  

 

Zombie Hotdog – Goddammit, is nothing sacred anymore?!

 

Banana – Have you been anything new for the past seven years? Be honest. Whatever, you don’t even really like Halloween and will still pull based on this blatantly obvious nonchalance. You can also revel in the fact that Sexy Big Bird will definitely text her friend Sexy Cinderella in the morning, “omg i think i got gang banged by a fruit basket last night, can u come get me?”

 

Zero Fucks Given T-shirt – Can you just go in a corner and watch Portlandia on your phone the rest of the night? Like, please? Your rose gold oxfords and grandpa cardigan are really putting a damper on everything. No, I don’t think the DJ knows any Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

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I'm A Mouse, Duh

I’m not one to toot my own horn (…pfft), but if there is one skill that I exhibit that is greater than all of my other skills, it is coming up with and properly executing awesome Halloween costumes. Minus an unfortunate decision my sophomore year to go as Sexy Rambo (I looked plain stupid and my only saving grace was my bullet belt), I have mastered the art of the fun costume that can be interpreted as “sexy” if some bro is desperate for some action, but is otherwise memorable and usually does NOT involve wearing heels. Yay!



Flo, 2010. My pride and joy.

 

I racked my brain for this year’s ensemble, and although it involves a few more props than I’ll probably be sober enough to keep track of, it’s sure to be another crowd pleaser. I will not be divulging said costume idea quite yet because I can already think of at least three grotsky biatches who will steal my genius and look hideous in the process, and I don’t need that blood on my hands. Just know that it’s arguably one of my best yet and involves an apron.

Long story short, I’m all about creativity when it comes to Halloween costumes, and will never in my life don any get-up bearing the name “Oh My Goddess,” “Ivanna Nibble,” “Miss Demeanor,” or any combo of the three. However, I do give a high five for originality, and as absolutely ridiculous as the new crop of racy costumes is, I can’t knock them for trying. Basically, if I saw you wearing one of these at a party, I’d still assume you were a pretty big whore, but a whore with a sense of humor, aka my favorite kind.

Chinese Takeout Box – The girl who chooses this costume is what we call New Hot, meaning she was fat in high school but successfully completed the Insanity workout over the summer and emerged as a babe who still hasn’t totally solved her issues with food. This costume is not reserved solely for the Asian Persuasion; however, it should be understood far and wide that many racist and stereotypical comments are going to be made both by the wearer and other party goers. The plus side of this costume: you can either use the cute takeout container clutch to hold your geisha makeup for touch-ups, or you can really not combat your edible demons and smuggle in egg rolls which you will sneak bites from when no one’s looking.  

Corn – Food costumes can typically viewed as [somehow] sexy because of the manner in which they are consumed. Strawberries are inherently sensual; people usually feed each other grapes; and unless you’re in fourth grade I’m not explaining the implications behind a banana. But corn baffles me. In this costume, you are basically saying, “What’s up, everybody! I’m an excellent source of fiber as evidenced by my unaltered presence in your poop!” or “Hey guy dressed up as the Indian from the Village People! You call me ‘maize’!” The costume itself doesn’t even demonstrate the “joke” well enough for you to get mad when someone assumes you’re a herpied penis with gangrene. Time to pick another veggie from the cornucopia.

The Lorax – The <1% of hot girls with dreads can rejoice: there is finally an environmentally-conscious costume that says, “I go green but I also go down on the first date.” Previously, if you wanted to show that you were nature’s homegirl, you were forced to dress as a melting polar ice cap, a fish caught in a plastic six-pack ring, or a topless mountain (the sexual innuendo of which will be lost on you because you’re actually passionate about putting an end to surface mining). All of these eco-friendly messages are conveniently wrapped up in a bright yellow, skin tight dress with fur bracelets. Play a solo drinking game to see how many shots it takes before “I speak for the trees!” turns into “Hold my hair back, please!”    

Rooster – Prepare yourself for a night of “cock” jokes and being asked if you’d like to see someone’s “pecker.” You chose this, so it’s safe to assume that your answer to the latter will either be “Yes” or “Been there, done that.”

Honey Badger – First of all, the wearer of this costume is like, so last year. Second, the additions of a stuffed cobra and the repetition of the phrase, “Honey badger don’t give a shit!” are the only things that will provide you with a glimmer of hope that it won’t be assumed that you’re an off-color excuse for a skunk. The eyes of the hat even seem to say, “I can’t believe pop culture has taken it this far” as they roll back in embarrassment. Touché to you for choosing something so obscure when Sexy Giraffe and Sexy Elephant were your other strange options, but save yourself the drunken tantrum when the 400^th person asks you what you’re supposed to be and you kick off your furry leg warmers in defeat.

 

 

Oscar the Grouch – Looks like someone has some awkward childhood issues they need to hash out with Dr. Drew. This costume is every girl’s dream, as it shows enough skin to prove to everyone that you got the, “This is my annual opportunity to dress like a slut!” memo, yet it covers your muffin top and pooch, hiding the fact that you threw away the memo that told you to start doing crunches back in August. It draws green, furry attention to your boobs, and is fashioned into a universally-flattering halter style that allows you to tie the straps way too tight and make your rack appear to be much more impressive than it actually is. You will be forced to do a little explaining, as the miniscule Oscar half-face hat doesn’t really offer up much clarification, but the fact that you get to be a complete bitch to everyone around you and claim that you’re just “in character” really seals its spot in my winners’ circle.    

 

 

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