I would say that about 96 percent of the time I’m a genuinely kindhearted person. I’m not Mother Theresa by any means, but I tip generously at restaurants, enjoy the sound a child makes when they’re running through a sprinkler, get excessive joy out of buying people Christmas presents, and apologize to road kill when I drive by even though it wasn’t my doing.
The other four percent of the time, I’m either sleeping or out socializing, and the real fun begins. Life is full of free entertainment, and one of my favorite people-watching games to play is a gem called Fat or Pregnant.
FOP originated five years ago while attending one of my first-ever college parties. Fascinated by the debauchery surrounding me, I was experiencing firsthand the realness of, “What’s your major?” used as a pick-up line and girls that were well-versed in the Freshman 15.
“Holy shit,” Young Skylar thought, “I had no idea fupas existed before age 40!”
|What is even happening.|
I inquired with a fellow party-goer as to whether or not a girl passing by was six beers in or six months along, and thus, FOP was born.
Luckily, the corrupt good times didn’t end after graduation. It’s actually even more fun to play FOP post-college, because you can set up some pretty hefty wagers since the chances of the woman at The Greene Turtle at 1 a.m. on a Thursday seriously having a bun in the oven are that much greater.
Here’s how to play Fat or Pregnant, aka The Game to End All Games. Word of advice: don’t let anyone hear you making your guesses, as a knocked up woman can get pretty feisty, especially when she’s four Liquid Cocaines deep.
Step 1: Pick your target. The ideal candidate is wearing low-rise Miss Me jeans one size too small with a cami held together by loose threads and the will of God. There will be enough stomach protrusion to cause you to question the possibilities at stake, but not enough to make it obvious that Janelle from “Teen Mom” is her spirit animal. She will definitely try to break it down on the dance floor, most likely to a song by Pit Bull.
Step 2: Place your bet. Make sure you’re playing alongside someone who’s aware of the game and who lacks morals, or else it’s no fun. “Cami chick: Fat or Pregnant?” (Don’t point, you’re better than that). Weigh all of the options carefully. Ex: Is it a food baby? Did she have a big lunch? Does the belly look like the result of a cheat day that went on for five years or a girl who didn’t read her Plan B instructions carefully? Does her hair look thick and her nails strong? Is there ketchup on the corners of her mouth? Etc.
Step 3: Investigate. No, this doesn’t mean straight up scream across the room, “HEY GIRL BRIELLA IS THE TRENDIEST BABY NAME OF 2013 JUST A THOUGHT!” Discretion is key. Observe her behaviors: if she seems embarrassed by the fact that she’s drinking beer in public and copes with the shame by drinking more beer in public, chances are she’s knocked up. If she’s a Woo Girl who’s grinding up on your boyfriend and displaying her stretch-marked boobs as if she was the Venus de Milo, you’ve just got someone on your hands who used to be thin and has taken up a taste for Kalteen bars. It’s not her fault, but it’s not yours either, so play on.
Step 4: Repeat. FOP is like The Song that Doesn’t End on “Lamb Chop;” it just goes on and on my friends. And if you started playing it not knowing what it was, you’ll continue playing it forever just because you’re a quasi-bitch whose personal code of ethics is a bit suspect.
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