I would say that about 96 percent of the time I’m a
genuinely kindhearted person. I’m not Mother Theresa by any means, but I tip
generously at restaurants, enjoy the sound a child makes when they’re running
through a sprinkler, get excessive joy out of buying people Christmas presents,
and apologize to road kill when I drive by even though it wasn’t my doing.
The other four percent of the time, I’m either sleeping
or out socializing, and the real fun begins. Life is full of free
entertainment, and one of my favorite people-watching games to play is a gem called
Fat or Pregnant.
FOP originated five years ago while attending one of my
first-ever college parties. Fascinated by the debauchery surrounding me, I was
experiencing firsthand the realness of, “What’s your major?” used as a pick-up
line and girls that were well-versed in the Freshman 15.
“Holy shit,” Young Skylar thought, “I had no idea fupas
existed before age 40!”
What is even happening. |
I inquired with a fellow party-goer as to whether or not
a girl passing by was six beers in or six months along, and thus, FOP was born.
Luckily, the corrupt good times didn’t end after graduation.
It’s actually even more fun to play FOP post-college, because you can set up
some pretty hefty wagers since the chances of the woman at The Greene Turtle at
1 a.m. on a Thursday seriously having a bun in the oven are that much greater.
Here’s how to play Fat or Pregnant, aka The Game to End
All Games. Word of advice: don’t let anyone hear you making your guesses, as a
knocked up woman can get pretty feisty, especially when she’s four Liquid
Cocaines deep.
Step 1: Pick your target. The ideal candidate is wearing
low-rise Miss Me jeans one size too small with a cami held together by loose
threads and the will of God. There will be enough stomach protrusion to cause
you to question the possibilities at stake, but not enough to make it obvious
that Janelle from “Teen Mom” is her spirit animal. She will definitely try to
break it down on the dance floor, most likely to a song by Pit Bull.
Step 2: Place your bet. Make sure you’re playing
alongside someone who’s aware of the game and who lacks morals, or else it’s no
fun. “Cami chick: Fat or Pregnant?” (Don’t point, you’re better than that). Weigh
all of the options carefully. Ex: Is it a food baby? Did she have a big
lunch? Does the belly look like the result of a cheat day that went on for five
years or a girl who didn’t read her Plan B instructions carefully? Does her
hair look thick and her nails strong? Is there ketchup on the corners of her
mouth? Etc.
Step 3: Investigate. No, this doesn’t mean straight up
scream across the room, “HEY GIRL BRIELLA IS THE TRENDIEST BABY NAME OF 2013
JUST A THOUGHT!” Discretion is key. Observe her behaviors: if she seems
embarrassed by the fact that she’s drinking beer in public and copes with the
shame by drinking more beer in public, chances are she’s knocked up. If she’s a
Woo Girl who’s grinding up on your boyfriend and displaying her stretch-marked
boobs as if she was the Venus de Milo, you’ve just got someone on your hands
who used to be thin and has taken up a taste for Kalteen bars. It’s not her
fault, but it’s not yours either, so play on.
Step 4: Repeat. FOP is like The Song that Doesn’t End on “Lamb
Chop;” it just goes on and on my friends. And if you started playing it not
knowing what it was, you’ll continue playing it forever just because you’re a
quasi-bitch whose personal code of ethics is a bit suspect.
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