How To Uneventfully Get Your Wisdom Teeth Removed

I got my wisdom teeth out this weekend.

Medically, it went as planned, i.e. four teeth were removed and I'm assuming the surgeon wore gloves. However, as is to be expected from my life, it was quite the experience in every other way possible. How does one turn a seemingly run-of-the-mill procedure into a full-on calamitous event? Wellll....

Step 1: Arrive on time yet completely unprepared to fill out the paper work. Where is your insurance card? Beats me. Where is your referral form from your dentist? I actually do know, but the answer is not, "Right here in my purse." Did you fast for six hours? Yes. No water either? Nope (lie). Shake violently out of nervousness.

Step 2: Meet with your surgeon. Get reprimanded once again for not having your referral form (no one told me!). Have a group chat to examine your x-rays and decide what needs to be done, as if we're renovating a sunroom. Find out that while all four teeth are impacted, the bottom two are stuck in your jaw bone and the roots are either cuddling with your inferior alveolar nerve or have it in a chokehold. Removal of the bottom teeth could leave you with permanent nerve damage in your jaw. Cute!

Step 3: Be presented with three options: completely remove all teeth, do nothing to the bottom two and wait for them to get infected thus prompting emergency removal, or get a Coronectomy aka chop off the tops of your teeth but leave the roots intact so as not to disturb their sexy time with your nerve. Ask surgeon why none of this was ever brought to your attention before because uhhh it seems a bit serious. He avoids the question. Ask again. He avoids. Start crying and yelling at him that dentistry is horseshit. Essentially watch the scene from Knocked Up play out right before your, your mom's, and the assistant doctor's eyes:

Swap teeth for vaginas and this is exactly what happened

 

Step 4: Surgeon will ask you to consider all options and come back in a week.

Skylar - Actually, I'm moving to New York in two weeks so that's not going to work for me.

Surgeon - *Scoffs at your ambition*

Tell him to give you five minutes. He scoffs again. Continue to cry. He storms out of the room.

 

Step 5: Surgeon returns. Have him shove consent forms in your face without explaining what's going on. Apparently you're agreeing to the Coronectomy because that's what he thinks is the best idea. Good talk, bro.

 

Surgeon - This is the hardest procedure I will do all day.

Skylar - OH REALLY THAT'S COMFORTING.

 

Step 6: Surgeon will speak to everyone in the room except you. Mom steps in and says, "Uh, she's right here." He tells doctor's assistant to prep Room 6 and leaves. Immediately burst into tears and throw in some hyperventilation for good measure. Everyone tells you to calm down, which obviously helps a ton. 

 

Step 7: Get escorted to Room 6. Immediately notice Ryan Reynolds look-a-like assistant and suddenly feel calm, cool, collected, and angry at yourself for not wearing any makeup. He puts a blanket on you, which seems a bit forward considering the other people in the room but hey you're down if he is. Unfortunately he seems more interested in doctor's assistant. Grey's Anatomy is real.

Scrubs optional

 

Step 8: Get tubes shoved up your nose and offer up your arm so they can insert the IV, which goes off without a hitch because you have very prominent veins. Shout out to doing bi's and tri's last week. #killinit #fitfam #weightlifting #swole

 

**GET HACKED UP**

 

Step 9: Come to in a holding room with your mom laughing at you hysterically.

Skylar - Do I look good enough for a beauty pageant?

Mom - Oh definitely.

Skylar - K good because I have one next week.

Mom - You do?

Skylar - Mhmmmmm.

 

[guy in next room singing "I Gotta Feeling"]

Skylar - Tell him I can join in if he wants, I totally know this song.

 

Skylar - Mom, when they tried to put my IV in I had to look away because I hate needles and blood.

Mom - I know.

Skylar - On campus in Louisville they always asked me to give blood and I always said I wanted to but I didn't weigh enough....*whispering* but I doooooo.

 

Step 10: Go directly home and pass out, but not before Snapchatting this picture to all of your friends:

 

 

 

 

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