Instagram Stole My Sanity

I legitimately think I'm losing my mind, and it's all thanks to an app.

I posted my last Instagram picture sometime back at the beginning of June.
I've done many things since then.
Exciting things.
Fun things.
Adventurous things.
Things I want to brag about to everyone I know.
How am I supposed to do that, call them on the phone? Screw that. I want them to ogle my exceptional life via square photos.

When my photos first wouldn't post, I gave Instagram the benefit of the doubt.
"Oh, it's just a silly little mishap. Probably too much traffic from people posting regrettable Memorial Day Weekend pics. No problem. Maybe I shouldn't be THAT GUY and post a picture of my Blueberry and Peach Coffee Cake anyway," I thought.

Then I baked strawberry soufflé. Then I saw a homeless man wearing a full-on Cat in the Hat costume with Mardi Gras beads on my lunch break. Then it was my birthday. Then my friends from Louisville came to visit. And I couldn't post any of those pictures.

This is the screen that appears whenever I try to upload something.

My friends, though sympathetic, are no help at all.

 

 

 

 

 

I've reported my problem to Instagram Help Center which basically told me it was my fault and I should find a stronger WiFi connection and/or get a life.
In reference to the former: my WiFi connection is solid.
In reference to the latter: uh, fat chance.

So now I'm left with one option; the point that I never actually want to reach but which seems to come so naturally to me: complain mercilessly.
Reporting my specific problem to Instagram has done absolutely nothing, so I've taken to Twitter to show them not only how perplexed I am, but that desperation mixed with mental instability is a cocktail in which I indulge on a daily basis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please, Instagram, I beg of you, just fix my account. I'm trying to be the voice of a generation, and I can't very well do that without participating in Throwback Thursday.

My Life According to Buzzfeed Quizzes

One of my favorite lunchtime pastimes of yore is MASH. Countless hours were spent figuring out if I'd be living in a mansion with Brian Littrell and our 37 kids, working as a trash collector and driving a hearse; or in a shack with the school janitor and our zero kids, working as a firewoman and driving a BMW, aka the more plausible option.

 

I put a lot of stock in these games. If it was down to my crush or the kid who saved his boogers on the underside of his desk [for later, natch], my world was shattered when Fate chose the latter and I was forced to imagine my future life of eternally cleaning snot off the coffee table.

There was no chance in MASH.
MASH was real.

Luckily, Buzzfeed's newest trend of posting personality quizzes satisfies my 20-something need to "find myself" in the most accurate, foolproof way possible. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so despite the fact that it's physically impossible, it's nice to know that were I capable of growing a beard, I should grow a goatee--because I'm a "trend setter."

My life is supposed to go a little something like this:

• First of all, my dad is not my real dad. Fortunately, Phil Dunphy is an excellent stand-in for the-man-the-myth-the-legend Bill; i.e. TV Dad and Actual Dad are essentially the same person, and this is neither a gain nor a loss. 

• As much as I adored my time in Louisville, I was apparently better suited for THE Ohio State University. Both have a killer football team, show off how good I look in the color red and let me throw gang signs, so this sounds like an easy swap.

• While I may be celebrating my 24th birthday this summer (June 11th, if you had tossed around the idea of getting me anything in the price range of $50-$450 from Kate Spade), I am actually 35. This is because I'm "training for a half-marathon," prefer Twitter to Tumblr, and consider clothing a necessary extravagance. Since I have the face of a preteen I might actually look 24 by the time I'm 35, so yet again this doesn't make much of a difference.

• All of this is happening in the 50's, because that is the decade I belong in. Anyone who is aware of my proclivity for poofy skirts, Charlotte York, and wearing an apron when I bake will completely agree with this. Anyone who is aware of my dirty sailor mouth and general disdain for rules will not.

• My soulmate is someone named Matt. Call it a hunch, but these quizzes might not be completely accurate.

• On the other hand, I will take the results as the gospel because the city I should actually live in is New York! If you weren't aware (which kudos to you for achieving, because I mention this at least twice a day), moving there and becoming a writing powerhouse is all a part of my three year plan. I'm glad I finally have proof that it can has to happen. Buzzfeed, you beautiful little genius, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

• Living in NYC could allow me to live out my childhood dream of being Annie on Broadway; however, as destiny would have it, I'm actually supposed to star in Wicked. From two years of being around choir kids in high school who felt the need to belt out showtunes at a moment's notice, I happen to know all the words to "For Good," so I suppose I'll leave my ginger-headed aspirations behind in the name of predestination.

So there we go. I'm apparently meant to follow the wisdom of Phil's-osophy as a 35-year-old student in Ohio in the mid-50's, where I'll meet a Matt who will agree to move to New York and watch me night after night in the role of Elphaba.

We can only hope that this Matt guy isn't put off by a little female facial hair.

Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me @BTDubs_Skylar!

Gotcha Bitch: How Do I Put This Gently?

Looking for the best way to communicate your current emotional state of being or show off an inside joke with your best friend?

Use GIFs.
Side note: how are we supposed to pronounce this again? I've been saying "gif" forever but I recently heard someone say "jif" and now I'm stressed.

One GIF-centric blog that I view pretty regularly is #WhatShouldWeCallMe. Between her affinity for eating, publically embarrassing herself, and scoring free drinks from male strangers, I feel like that girl and I would get along just swimmingly.

Unfortunately with every demonstration of hilarity, there is a person who tries to get in on the action and copy the idea, usually to a much less successful (and even less funny) degree. This is the case with How Do I Put This Gently?.

This girl's blog description currently reads, "Just a semi-functioning individual navigating higher education with a cocktail in her hand and a tendency to embarrass herself." However, it once said something along the lines of, "I love '#WhatShouldWeCallMe' and hope to one day be as funny as her." AKA she admits to being a copycat. Strike one.

Strike two is the fact that she is nowhere near as witty as #WSWCM and would probably be the "friend" present at girls' night who doesn't understand that, no, we're not not laughing because we didn't hear you tell your "hilarious" story four times, it's because it's not funny and you were only invited because you'll more than likely get wasted and pay for everyone's cab ride home.

See for yourself: the two post the same GIFs all the time, yet who seems to come out on top in terms of originality and genuine comedic prowess? If you're gonna be an imposter, be a good one, that's all I'm sayin.

#WSWCM: "When I hear something I'm obsessed with mentioned in someone else's conversation"

HDIPTG: "When I hear my crush is newly single"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When I actually take the time to read someone's political rant on Facebook"

HDIPTG: "When the teacher requires the class to buy an unnecessary textbook"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When someone pretends they want to talk but really just want my place in line"

HDIPTG: "When a creepy guy gets too close to me at the bar"

 

 

#WSWCM: "Walking back to my seat after putting the correct answer on the board"

HDIPTG: "How I feel after I come back from the gym"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When I start to feel the shot I just took"

HDIPTG: "Only two more days until the weekend"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When I think about anything I wore during freshman year of college"

HDIPTG: "When asked about my ex"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When I found out how much I owe in taxes"

HDIPTG: "Getting on the scale after the weekend"

 

 

#WSWCM: "When sunlight starts to peek into my window"

HDIPTG: "If my brain could talk right now"

 

Overall, my main issue is that #WSWCM girl can make a decent joke, while the other chick just chooses a GIF and then states the obvious.
Should I care about this nearly as much as I do? No. But my life has been going pretty fucking awesome lately so this is all I've got. Deuces.

Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me @BTDubs_Skylar!