Skylar's 2014 Emmy's Fashion Recap

Samira Wiley - I want that dress in every color and I want to wear it on the subway and to eat at Subway.

Kiernan Shipka - Brock Lesnar wants his WWE Championship Belt back.

Natasha Lyonne - I think that midi dresses make me look short and have fat calves therefore everyone wearing midi dresses looks short and has fat calves.

Hayden Panettiere - You are flawless and I will find the first homeless man on the street to impregnate me to be even closer to the perfection that you personify.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus - For I have seen the nipple on your soul. <---Completely irrelevant, but Seinfeld quotes are always appropriate.

Keke Palmer - If there's one surefire way to make yourself known when your career is on the brink of major stardom, it's to show some serious boobage. She gets it.

Giuliana Rancic - Donatella Versace if Donatella Versace was featured on a UNICEF commercial.

Lena Dunham - This is the biggest, pinkest can't that ever can'ted.

 Clare Danes - Hopefully didn't squat to pee under any evergreens on the red carpet lest she be confused for a Christmas tree skirt.

Louise Roe - This looks like a tampon on the last day of your period.

Dascha Polanco - The theme song of the night for her boobs and armpits: "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley.

Kristen Wiig - You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!

 Sarah Paulson - And from The Green Mile Collection, we can see that John Coffey has once again vomited up the evil spirit in gnat form to create this ensemble.

 Lizzy Caplan - You're a regulation hottie.

Kaley Cuoco - This is what you wear on Valentine's Day when you are definitely single and have no plans of rectifying that situation any time soon.

Gwen Stefani - Looks like the girl in O-Town's Liquid Dreams video. They were underrated, so I fully support this look.

 

 

Photos by Getty/not my property/don't sue

 

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Female Body Inspector? FBI! You're Hysterical: Male Halloween Costumes, Explained

I love me a clever Halloween costume. As evidenced by last year’s “sexy” costume post, I’m all for creativity, but you really do walk a fine line between looking hot and being the butt of everyone’s joke the whole night (Sexy Bacon? You’re making breakfast time taste like lap dances and a father’s tears).

 

For the guys, it’s really not about looking hot as it is being “funny,” a term we will use very loosely throughout this entire post. “Look ladies, I’m wearing my personality! Could it be any easier to find someone else to talk to tonight?” How many costumes can they really make that either suggest that the wearer has a ginormous Krull the Warrior King or force hoes to shove their boobs in his face, and what exactly does the costume say about the guy as a whole? Let’s find out:

 

Wholesome Disney Character Costume – You either have kids, or are in the complete opposite direction and have never been laid. Ever. More than likely you are wearing this to a neighborhood costume party where your wife is a big puffy version of Buzz Lightyear (because who does she have to impress anymore?), but should you find yourself at a bar at 1 a.m., you will definitely only be taking one and a half Gummi Bear shots and drunkenly telling a Sexy Ninja Turtle, “But I like, respect you, you know what I mean?” right before you go home alone.

 

Rub Me Genie – Get it? It’s like asking for a hand job. Because at 26 years old that’s exactly what you should be going for. Your friends really don’t like you or else they would have talked you out of this horrendous get-up. Rub your own lamp, weirdo.

 

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man – You’re a heavy drinker (read: alcoholic) and a man with a plan; I admire you. You’re aware of the fact that you will be getting unbelievably trashed tonight, so when you’re swaying around and falling into people, you know they can’t get mad because you’re just staying in character. This is genius. Carry on. Also, Family Guy references are always crowd pleasers, it’s just a fact of life.

 

Weed – Nothing says, “I’m unemployed!” like a marijuana leaf costume. You’ve also just placed a big target on your back because if a group of guys come stumbling out of a bar, who do you think the cops are going to zero in on first? You guessed it: the bro who looks like he dropped $75 on a ticket to The String Cheese Incident concert.

 

The Joker – It’s been done. You’re either lazy, completely oblivious to any advances in pop culture, or a Bar Dad. To be fair, it’s most likely all three. Seriously though, there’s even been another Batman movie to come out since this one, you really need to get with the times.

 

Charlie Sheen – Can’t wait to hear you yell out, “Winning!” all night with your buddy The Joker. Go home.

 

Robin Thicke – You, sir, are doing it right. Culturally relevant in every possible way, this costume could either be a happy accident or the ploy of an extremely strategic young man. Women will flock to you for one of several reasons: 1) Every Woo Girl in the place will assemble when the DJ plays “Blurred Lines” for the umpteenth time. “OMIGAHH I LOVE THIS SONGGGG YOU SING IT SO GOOD!” 2) You have un/intentionally invited multiple ladies to twerk all up on ya throughout the course of the night. If you play this correctly, you can start a twerking contest in which five skinny white girls will drunkenly grind on your junk trying to outdo each other, and one black girl will step in to show them how it’s really done. Major, major kudos.  

 

Zombie Hotdog – Goddammit, is nothing sacred anymore?!

 

Banana – Have you been anything new for the past seven years? Be honest. Whatever, you don’t even really like Halloween and will still pull based on this blatantly obvious nonchalance. You can also revel in the fact that Sexy Big Bird will definitely text her friend Sexy Cinderella in the morning, “omg i think i got gang banged by a fruit basket last night, can u come get me?”

 

Zero Fucks Given T-shirt – Can you just go in a corner and watch Portlandia on your phone the rest of the night? Like, please? Your rose gold oxfords and grandpa cardigan are really putting a damper on everything. No, I don’t think the DJ knows any Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

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Miley Cyrus Offended My Butt, and I'm Not Taking it Sitting Down

Dear Miley,

 

Please put on some pants longer than your vagina and have a seat, I'd like to speak with you about something. Yes, you may finish your joint before we begin. What was that? Sorry, your horse teeth are distracting.

 

I'd like to discuss your newest hit "We Can't Stop." While several of the lyrics are embarrassing to white people everywhere (“We run things, things don’t run we”? What the fuck does that even mean?), I take up the biggest issue with your thoughts on probably the least white thing about me: my butt.

 

For the sake of time, we will just leave the explanation at this: my butt is bigger than most. Whether it’s the Italian genes or the Polish genes fighting it out inside of my jeans, I don’t know, but thank God I can cook well and carry on a decent conversation or else my donk would probably be the only thing I’ve got going for me. I used to hate it, just because it was a whole lotta junk in a 5”1’ trunk, but we’ve since grown fond of each other and I’ve learned to accept that bikini bottoms in a size small are officially a thing of the past.

 

In “We Can’t Stop,” you spit a few fresh lines which do not sit well with what I sit on. Tell me if you remember the following lyrics, or if you were too jacked on Molly to know what the hell was happening:

 

To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya

First of all, you don’t have home girls. Being as you are engaged to an Australian, you might have “mates,” but you most definitely do not have home girls. Take out your aluminum foil grill and be ashamed. Secondly, just because you’re on YouTube twerking in a Japanese animal onesie, you are by no means entitled to consider yourself in the same pool of girls who are shaking it on the daily. Your boney little butt stops moving the second the rest of your body does; mine carries twerk waves for at least an extra second and a half after I cut it out. It’s fucking magic.

The next two lines officially made me want to throw you down the mountain that you climbed up when you were still answering to Disney and keeping your protruding collarbones under wraps. Why would God judge me for having a big butt? He’s got homophobes and Republicans to worry about, I highly doubt baby having back is on the top of His list. You clearly have never had a substantial amount of booty to work with, because if you did, you would realize that girls with big butts don’t have haters. Not even one. So no, it isn’t just “somebody” that loves me, it’s the whole damn drug-addled party in your music video, especially the kid rolling around with slices of bread.

I’m glad that you’ve found a new identity and that we will all get to compare your rap career with Amanda Bynes’, but next time you’re trying to be ‘bout that life, realize that your white-legging-clad tush maylook good in theory but at the end of the day, God, haters and Sir Mix-a-Lot himself want buns, hon.

Love,

Skylar

 

 

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