24 Pieces of Advice for 18-Year-Old Skylar

My 24th birthday is tomorrow. I know, I know, so exciting, I wear a size XS/S, I like everything Kate Spade, dahlias are my favorite flower, yadda yadda whatever. Despite the fact that I will now be entering my "mid-20s" and leaving "early 20s" debauchery behind (....), I'm not one of those people that freaks out about suddenly being old.

24 is not old. Not even close. Works for Hugh Hefner!

However, 30 is getting there. You're still workin' it, but you're expected to have your life slightly more together and could potentially have a baby. Whoa. A lot can happen in six years, and while I'm excited for all of those opportunities, I realize there will be a lot of lessons to learn along the way. I'll probably look back at my current self and think, "Really?" mostly because that's exactly how I think of 18-year-old me.

If I could go back in time, I would try my best to save myself and avoid being such a dumbass. Clearly I turned out [arguably] normal, but there are some unnecessary events that could've been avoided with some guided wisdom. Here is that wisdom:

1. Change your hairstyle - You look like a little lad who loves berries and cream.

2. You're still growing - Your body is on like a three year delay, which is jussst adorable. Hold on to that green dress, it'll look better on you in a few years.
3. That girl's actually kind of mean - Don't hang out with her anymore.
4. That guy turns into a huge hippie - I know, right?!
5. That guy turns extremely religious - Hahaha. I mean good for him.
6. Step up your party clothes game - Who wears a cardigan to a house party? This is embarrassing.

7. This is the last year you'll be able to eat meatball subs every single day without consequence - Cherish it. For the love of God cherish it.
8. Never take an 8:30 a.m. class, Math or other, ever again - We both knew that was a terrible decision from the get-go.
9. Say yes to [almost] everything - Everything's an opportunity, everything's an experience, don't miss out on any of it just because you were tired. Surprise: you'll be tired no matter what. Just say yes and go.
10. Save every piece of your writing on an external hard drive - Your computer crashes in four years and you lose it all. Fuck.
11. Wear less eyeliner - It's just a better look.
12. Stop making inappropriate profile pictures using FaceinHole - Funny, sure. But your head on Miranda Kerr's body isn't getting you a job after college and it makes your mom sad.
13. "Ugh I miss you we need to hang out! Lunch soon?" - Use as necessary.
14. You are a trendsetter for hating Twilight - Congratulations! And stay strong, it catches on.
15. Breaking the rules has zero consequences - Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. You'll have much better stories down the road.

16. Have patience with the difficult people - They'll come back around, and you will have been the bigger person. Snaps.
17. Getting embarrassed is a waste of energy - No one remembers when you just laugh it off, so just laugh it off.

18. Your AP Government teacher who told you you probably wouldn't amount to much because you couldn't care less about PACs? - He can respectfully go fuck himself. And if you had told him so to his face it wouldn't have mattered in the long run. Hindsight is 20/20.
19. A walk of shame is not shameful if your hair looks good - Finger comb, shoulders back, work it.
20. Call your grandma - At least twice a week. She enjoys this. She will like you better than the rest of the family. They will argue this point. They are wrong.
21. Running on the treadmill for 15 minutes doesn't count - Permissible because you've still got a rapid fire metabolism on your side, but refer to #7. Step it up before it's too late.
22. Most of the guys you know today will look like 40 year olds in six years - Cut your losses, it's for the best.
23. Succumb to saying "y'all" for the time being - It's not the only regional accent you'll adopt in your life, might as well just enjoy it while it lasts.
24. Keep writing - It's working. :)

Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me @BTDubs_Skylar!

Miley Cyrus Offended My Butt, and I'm Not Taking it Sitting Down

Dear Miley,

 

Please put on some pants longer than your vagina and have a seat, I'd like to speak with you about something. Yes, you may finish your joint before we begin. What was that? Sorry, your horse teeth are distracting.

 

I'd like to discuss your newest hit "We Can't Stop." While several of the lyrics are embarrassing to white people everywhere (“We run things, things don’t run we”? What the fuck does that even mean?), I take up the biggest issue with your thoughts on probably the least white thing about me: my butt.

 

For the sake of time, we will just leave the explanation at this: my butt is bigger than most. Whether it’s the Italian genes or the Polish genes fighting it out inside of my jeans, I don’t know, but thank God I can cook well and carry on a decent conversation or else my donk would probably be the only thing I’ve got going for me. I used to hate it, just because it was a whole lotta junk in a 5”1’ trunk, but we’ve since grown fond of each other and I’ve learned to accept that bikini bottoms in a size small are officially a thing of the past.

 

In “We Can’t Stop,” you spit a few fresh lines which do not sit well with what I sit on. Tell me if you remember the following lyrics, or if you were too jacked on Molly to know what the hell was happening:

 

To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters 'cause somebody loves ya

First of all, you don’t have home girls. Being as you are engaged to an Australian, you might have “mates,” but you most definitely do not have home girls. Take out your aluminum foil grill and be ashamed. Secondly, just because you’re on YouTube twerking in a Japanese animal onesie, you are by no means entitled to consider yourself in the same pool of girls who are shaking it on the daily. Your boney little butt stops moving the second the rest of your body does; mine carries twerk waves for at least an extra second and a half after I cut it out. It’s fucking magic.

The next two lines officially made me want to throw you down the mountain that you climbed up when you were still answering to Disney and keeping your protruding collarbones under wraps. Why would God judge me for having a big butt? He’s got homophobes and Republicans to worry about, I highly doubt baby having back is on the top of His list. You clearly have never had a substantial amount of booty to work with, because if you did, you would realize that girls with big butts don’t have haters. Not even one. So no, it isn’t just “somebody” that loves me, it’s the whole damn drug-addled party in your music video, especially the kid rolling around with slices of bread.

I’m glad that you’ve found a new identity and that we will all get to compare your rap career with Amanda Bynes’, but next time you’re trying to be ‘bout that life, realize that your white-legging-clad tush maylook good in theory but at the end of the day, God, haters and Sir Mix-a-Lot himself want buns, hon.

Love,

Skylar

 

 

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It's Me! The Picture You Didn't Share

I can't even look at you right now.

I told you your mom would die, Jesus would smite you, and that precious little girl with leukemia would also develop AIDS unless you "liked" or "shared" the picture, and you just kept scrolling down your newsfeed, not thinking twice about the damage you were doing. 

Do you know who I am? 

Do you know what I'm capable of?! 

I'M THE INTERNET, BITCH.

You really think that those posts don't matter? I'm sure you remember the "Don't step on a crack or you'll break your mother's back" chant that everyone sang in elementary school as they walked down the sidewalk. Welcome to the modern adaptation. Obviously, by bypassing the post, you despise your mom, the woman who gave you LIFE and tolerated your bullshit when you were 13 and thought frosted pink LipSmackers were a good look. Now, everyone that is either overwhelmingly superstitious or isn't aware that such things appear on your newsfeed is considered a much better child than you will ever be, all because they clicked the thumbs up. 

You are also obviously completely ashamed of your love for Jesus. What's that? You're Buddhist? Fuck if I care, this is America, and as is the case with gay marriage and abortion laws, you are not allowed to think anything different without being chastised relentlessly. What's that smell you say? Sorry, I ate Chik-fil-A earlier. Waffle fries, nom. Anyway, all I'm saying is, you are going straight to hell and are now going to be known by all 1,100 of your best friends as a hethen. 

As if we all (including God) didn't hate you already, you really sealed your fate by bypassing the photo of sweet little Hannah, 7, suffering with leukemia. Every single "like" equals a dollar that could magically cure her, because THAT'S how charity works. Hannah is a fighter, and you are a weakling who doesn't have any compassion in their whole body. You volunteered with the Make a Wish Foundation last summer and spent an entire month in the youth cancer ward? Erroneous, because you didn't share Hannah's story. Asshole. 

You can try to explain yourself, but we've all judged you already (HARD) and have come to the firm conclusion that you're a self-centered, heartless loser. I will continue to bombard your Facebook with similar posts because my beliefs are superior to yours, and I insist on driving this point home one share at a time. Think long and hard about the life you're living, because it's clear that your lack of dedication to the online realm is leading you nowhere fast.

#PCB #YOLO #Lostmydignity

FUUCK BITHCES GET MONEYTYYYY!

HOW DID I GET SAND IN THERE?!

DUMP EM!

What’s up bro? Are you having a fucking sick time? Did you see that hot slut over there? What about the cottage cheese whale over there? FUCKED EM BOTH, YEAH I DID! What? WHAT? Dude I can’t hear you over all the dubstep! Tone it down a notch? Do you know who I fucking am, bro?

IT’S ME, PCB, BABY!

Dude I got so fucking hammered last night…. HAHA I’m fucking kidding, I’m still hammered. And I ain’t sobering up for shiiiiit. Yo can you hold on a second? I’ve gotta photobomb that group pic over there real quick.

THREW UP THE SHOCKER, YOU ALREADY KNOW!

Dude so tonight I was thinking pregame aka finish off the 30-rack I bought an hour ago and then let’s roll to La Vela? I know a guy who knows a guy who heard of someone that had a threesome on one of the beds there. Help me pick out which TapOut shirt to wear.

RACK CITY BITCH.

I don’t know why I just said that.

Let’s go talk to that group of girls over there. Do you think they can tell I went tanning (shh don’t tell anyone) and spent a month in the gym drinking nothing but Muscle Milk just as easily as I can tell they spent a week in the gym eating nothing but carrots dipped in Energy Vitamin Water? God I hope so.

Hey ladies! Having a good time? Where are you all from? Ohio University? I heard they never party there! Hahajustkidding so when are you gonna show me your tits? Hahajustkidding but no really I know you’re wasted you might as well just get it over with. Only if your Big does it too? ‘Oh it’s Spring Break why not’? THAT’S THE SPIRIT. Don’t worry, I still respect you.

Oh sure, I’d love to take a picture of you all jumping. Everyone ready? Hold hands!

1-2-3-JUMP!

Wait sorry, the DUFF on the far right got like half an inch of air, try again.

1-2-3-JUMP!

Girl in the middle might wanna put her Corona down. We get it, you’re a party animal.

1-2-3-JUMP!

Decent, let’s try one more for good luck.

1-2-3-JUMP!

Perfect. You’ll realize later that I just took four consecutive zoomed-in pictures of the brunette’s boob that conveniently popped out. Untag!

Do you girls like Luke Bryan? Heard he’s playing a show later, we should all meet up there! I hope Avicii makes a surprise appearance and remixes “Rain is a Good Thing,” wouldn’t that be awesome? Here, let me get one of your numbers aka hot blonde girl with the better body than everyone else who will conveniently find herself in my bed tonight. Peace!

Dude is the week over already? I barely remember anything but I’m pretty sure I had a fucking bomb-ass time. Did we ever find Rob after that night at Harpoon Harry’s? And did you see Veronica win the ass-shaking contest? Definitely hitting her up when we get back to school. Did you ever get that huge shard of the Bud Light Lime bottle out of your foot? You should probably get that checked out, bro.

What’s that? No I totally raw-dogged that calling-her-a-4-would-be-generous from University of Kentucky, why? No, I asked, she was all clean. I ASKED bro, it’s fine. Why? Yeah it does kind of burn when I pee, so what? Nah that’s not Chlamydia, that’s the hot sensation of Spring Break, baby! We went fuckin’ HAM, dawg!

Crazy Girl Saying Whattup Betchezz

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A Christmas Letter from THAT Family

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s us! The family you love to hate.

We hope everyone had a wonderful 2011. You didn’t? Bummer! Feel free to compare your worthless life to our fabulous one filled with achievement and positivity!

Read about our incredible children! They’re already more accomplished than you’ll ever be!

Lindsay is a junior at her wildly expensive private high school. She is a champion fencer, president of the chemical engineering club, volunteers for Habitat for Humanity, and still finds time to tutor that boy with Autism that lives down the street. If she didn’t get straight A’s we’d beat her! Just kidding, ha ha, we’d just passive aggressively verbally abuse her into success instead. All of her activities will inevitably get her a full-ride scholarship to whichever college she chooses, but that doesn’t matter, because we’ve been breeding her to become a Yale Bulldog since birth. Join the military? Fat chance, Lindsay! If you’ve already forgotten about any of the achievements listed above, don’t worry, we’ll remind you all over again when we bump into you at the grocery store in two months.

We are going to tell you that Connor is taking a semester off from his sophomore year at Pepperdine to travel to Thailand to teach orphaned children their ABC’s, but really, he has a massive cocaine addiction and was secretly shipped off to Sunrise Detox Center in Florida back in October. He used to play point guard for Pepperdine and used to be Vice President of the Sigma Chi Fraternity and used to date a girl that we were positive he was going to get married to and produce children-that-look-like-Ralph-Lauren-models with, but instead, his hair is down to his shoulders and his sense of smell is shot to heck. We had to Photoshop his face from a year and a half ago onto the picture we enclosed because if you saw him now you’d think he was homeless and that we were bad parents. The latter part of that statement is what really bothers us. See you in six months Connor! We’ll love you more when you stop bringing shame to the family!

Stephanie is our pride and joy. Stephanie is flawless. If we weren’t so overwhelmingly religious, Stephanie would be our Jesus. She is a senior at Vassar double majoring in neuroscience and Ancient Greek language and literature. She is a member of the Equestrian Club, a leader in the college’s organization to prevent child abuse, and a producer for WVKR (the Vassar radio station). We have left out that she is also a member of the group that advocates legal equality for the LGBTQ community because we don’t want anyone assuming she’s a lesbian. She’s not! We dodged that bullet by threatening to stop paying her tuition. On top of all that, Stephanie has two jobs that she doesn’t need but insists on having to pad her resume. Stephanie is naturally thin and has perfect hair that always looks professionally done. Even when she wakes up! It’s completely unfair to the rest of the female race! She’s probably going to cure cancer in five years and/or single-handedly lead a revival of Latin as the prominent spoken language on Earth. If you hear us refer to ourselves as “Stephanie” at any point in time, it’s okay, we’re just trying to live vicariously through her.  

Dave is still a financial advisor and is doing extremely well. Like, way way better than you do. Like, his salary is triple what yours’ is. Isn’t that wonderful?! I did not marry him for his money. We are just very blessed. And by “we” I mean “me.” I keep busy walking our two pure-bred German Shepherds and dabbling in interior design.

We hope you all keep the Christ in Christmas and have a joyous New Year! And sorry that your invitation to our annual Christmas Party was never put got lost in the mail! It’s nothing personal! Okay, it is.

A Message from Irene

Hey Whores,

            So I guess I should, like, apologize for all that craziness I caused this past week. Flooding New York, sO cRaZy! I know everyone’s mad and lives were ruined and blah blah blah, but it, like, really wasn’t my fault. For real! Hear me out.

            Okay so first, I broke up with my boyfriend. I actually ended it because he was so controlling and has such a temper and always wanted all this attention and I’m like, “Um, HELLO, I’m at least a category 3, you need to appreciate me better!” You know what I’m saying? Frustratingggg. So yeah, dumped his ass, and kid goes ballistic. Causes a huge rumble throughout the East coast but since he always acts so irrationally without any follow through, he didn’t cause like any damage and just rattled some nerves. Typical! Still, he was like a 5.8 so I’ll probably drunk dial him this weekend…

            Obviously, that whole thing pissed me off a little. I went to get margs with my friend Katrina because she had been through, like, the same thing with her ex-boyfriend a few years ago. Ugh, looooove girlfriends. She was like, “Girl, this is YOUR breakup and he’s taking the spotlight. Hell to the no! You need to go out there and show him how it’s really done!” Side note: Katrina’s kind of a huge betch, but she invites me to her beach house every summer so whatev. And anyway, after a fishbowl strawberry margarita and free shots from the creepy divorced men at the bar, she made a lot of sense. Don’t judge me! So I totes agreed and went out and did my thang.

            Another thing was that it’s that time of the month. I know, right? All of these things piled into one? FML. I, like, wasn’t even that mad and didn’t plan on getting that out of control, but I ran out of Midol and my cramps were unnnreal and I knew that everyone was gossiping about me and my life so I was all, “Sorry I’m SO interesting, assholes. I’ll give you something to talk about!” and went nutso. Be real, you would’ve done the same thing in my position. It’s like, don’t mess with a bitch who can do it better, you know?

            Anywayz, I guess I did a pretty decent job of fucking shit up. Those people in Vermont are all, “How do we deal with this?” and I’m like, “Suck it! Sorry I’m not sorry!” I mean I don’t wanna come off as Crazy Girl or anything, but I think I totally showed my ex who really runs the show and now I’m like, such a celeb. Look for me flashing my Britney to the paparazzi sometime soon! I’m gonna make bank off of this US Weekly interview.

Love ya XOXO,

Irene