We’re going to blame my dad for this one. He started it all sometime back in the 70’s when he was singing along to The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and asked the person next to him, “How could he tell?”
“Tell what?” they asked.
“That she had Colitis.”
Good ole Bill thought they were singing, “The girl with Colitis goes by” instead of “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”
Yes, it is okay to laugh, we make fun of him for this all
the time. Unfortunately, I can’t laugh too hard, because I do it too.
Frequently, and unapologetically. I’m under the impression that if I interpret
the words a certain way, that is how they should be, and no lyrics website will
tell me otherwise.
Below are a few of my most notable creations, and I will
continue to sing them loud and proud.
Rihanna – “Umbrella”
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath TOUGHEN UP, Ima stick it out til the end
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Rihanna is from Barbados. She has that little island
accent that makes you want to punch yourself in the face, it’s just so cute
(too soon?). For this reason, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought
she was pronouncing toughen “toe-fen” and up “ope.” Since this song was such a
huge hit, I was corrected quickly, but since we all know how much I like to be
told what to do, I was steadfast in belting out the lyrics that I thought were
“better.” Quite honestly, I think Rihanna’s more recent songs are pretty
terrible anyway, so maybe she should take note of my improvements and adjust
her lyrics accordingly.
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – “Blinded by the Light”
Blinded by the light
Revved up light a deuce DOUCHE
If I had initially been introduced to the Bruce
Springsteen version of this song, I’d be a completely different person. Not
only does The Boss know how to annunciate his S sounds (sorta…), his lyrics
read, “cut loose like a deuce,” which doesn’t exactly make sense either, but at
least I’d be able to decipher them. Let’s not even get into what I think a
“roner” is, because I have no idea. Did the Earth Band even have another hit
after this? Probably not, so who am I to criticize their British
ridiculousness? Those people think beans on toast is a meal, I’d rather not
question their vocabulary.
Pussycat Dolls – “When I Grow Up”
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies BOOBIES
Everyone thought this when first hearing this song. It
still rings true in my mind because when I was younger, I did want boobs. I’m apparently still not there… The point is, the
song could totally work both ways and for a tune that’s about becoming rich in
the future, it’s not so far-fetched to believe that a trip to the plastic
surgeon wouldn’t make the list.
Usher – “Burn”
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don’t mean I want to
What I’m trying to say is that I love you I just ALEXIS
I feel like this is coming to an end
I know what you’re thinking. “Who did you think Alexis
was, Skylar?” And to that, all I have to say is that Usher is not known for his
fidelity and admitted it in “Confessions” on the same album so it’s not my place to judge which ladyfriend he’s
singing to at any given time. I’m particularly bad about this one, because I
just can’t seem to get it into my head that the lyrics could be anything else.
As someone whose name does not appear in any song out there (except “Skylar’s
Song” by Vince Neil for his daughter who had cancer; not exactly an upper), I applaud
Alexis for paving the way for the rest of us to get broken up with via catchy
R&B melodies.
Sugar Ray – “Every Morning”
Every morning
there's a halo hangin’ from the corner
of my
girlfriend's four post SPOPO’S bed
Again. What
kind of name is Spopo? I wish I understood myself.