I’m on Facebook. A lot. It’s mentioned in basically every single one of my blog posts, it’s how I keep up with all of the gossip from home when I’m at school (and vice versa), and I’m not embarrassed to admit that the majority of my basic stalker knowledge comes from my newsfeed. I’m not obsessed (I SWEAR) but let’s face it, it’s an integral part of modern society.
My experience has shown me that over the years, several common Facebook habits have emerged by way of picture and wall comments, status updates, and the general etiquette of this most flourishing social network. There is no doubt in my mind that you will read each of the below situations and either recall a time where you observed their occurrence or were the culprit of one such act. Now that’s embarrassing.
“I wish there was a love button” – I know it’s hard to remember, but the “Like” button wasn’t always around. I know, I know, what did we do before a time when we could passive-aggressively show interest in an ex’s new relationship or take an insensitive jab at our friend’s broken leg after a misguided four-wheeler accident? But as has been the case with all types of technology (what more can the iPhone 5 do, my laundry?), the public is never satisfied. Therefore, when you have a particularly attractive new profile picture or you actually have NICE friends who applaud the new job you just landed, instead of just hitting “Like,” they have to throw this phrase in Mark Zuckerberg’s face. I'd like a “write my 10-page paper for me” button, or a “hangover be gone” button, but tough luck Aladdin, you can’t always get what you want. Instead of pining after the impossible, why not just voice your approval in a normal way, like, “Hey, congrats man.” I wish there was a be more creative button.
Take 1, Take 2, Take 3 – I live for new photos. I get an unhealthy kick out of posting and captioning my own, and if you start talking to me about your recent trip to the beach, there’s really no need because after spending half an hour stalking your album, I feel like I was there. Creepiness aside, one of the main things that bothers me as I’m casually clicking through people’s pictures is when they have the same one multiple times in a row with the aforementioned caption. “Take 1” is usually one girl smiling with the other one fixing her hair. “Take 2” typically shows first girl laughing and second girl holding out the “I’m not ready!” hand to the photographer. “Take 3” is usually the good picture, or the point at which everyone gives up. Here’s what I’m wondering: instead of posting unnecessary pictures that no one actually has any interest in looking at, why not just post the final product and move on with your life? I’m sure your friend with the hair issues would be thankful for your consideration, and I’d have more time to browse other people’s birthday and wedding memories.
Reposting a profile picture multiple times – Apparently repetition is not my homegirl. I love how you can tell when someone found their ideal profile picture - the one in which they look hot (like, much hotter than they normally ever do/could) and which they’re pretty positive they’ll never be able to duplicate ever again - because of the fact that they’ve used the picture at least ten different times. It’s like their thought process was, “Great God Almighty, my Holy Grail of photographic perfection! I’m never changing it….It’s three months later, this new picture I just got tagged in is almost as attractive…NOPE back to the panty-dropper!…maybe I should change it to a picture of me and my new girlfriend who was swindled by my tricky photography skills…just kidding! You don’t mess with excellence!” Wash, rinse, and repeat several more times and suddenly you’ve got nearly a dozen copies of the same picture and a dumbfounded me asking, “You know you can just reselect the one picture, right?”
“You were so cute…what happened?” - Oh, your cleverness slays me. Your friend posted a childhood Olan Mills shot with their chubby cheeks and adorable little suspenders, sitting inside of a wagon and giggling like a little angel, and you thought, “Oh I know JUST what to comment on this one.” Newsflash, sistahfriend, IT’S BEEN DONE. This phrase is just so unoriginal and unfunny, it boggles my mind. We get it, ha ha, you want to point out that they used to be cute but with the effects of alcohol and multiple all-nighters their innocence has all but vanished. Well done. And just in case people had trouble reading your comment, four others will write the exact same thing below you, driving the point home and reducing the picture-owner’s self esteem to a pile of dust. Is there really nothing else you could have pointed out? Like the fact that they were wearing suspenders? Comical fodder was at your disposal and you blew it. I wish there was a dislike button for this comment.
“We need to hang out soon!” – I’m gonna make this short and sweet. If you go eight months without giving a single thought to someone, and then bump into them one night at a crowded party where you have a conversation mainly comprised of swapping compliments and catching up on each other’s romantic escapades while simultaneously pocketing random bits of gossip, there is absolutely no need to make plans to hang out in the near future. You two clearly aren’t essential to each others’ lives, and you accomplished everything you needed to in that short chat, so while I understand the social responsibility of posting this phrase to each others’ walls the day after the encounter, we all know that in reality it’s going to be at least another eight months of random “Miss you girl!” messages and countless broken plans until you bump into each other again and the whole cycle repeats itself. Don’t beat a dead horse; just let destiny take the lead and keep the universe in order. Besides, without the cushion of party-fury around you two, how do you know you actually want to chill one-on-one with that person? Something to consider.
Passive-aggressive status fights – If enjoying watching the emotional breakdown of a couple through their dueling status updates is wrong, I sure as hell don’t wanna be right. It all starts when Bob tells Ann that he actually wants to go to the Reds game tonight instead of going out to a nice dinner at Cheesecake Factory and then to play mini golf with her, like she had been planning for the last two days. Obviously, Bob is a thoughtless prick, and due to the fact that their relationship has been on the outs for the past two weeks, Ann’s going to broadcast this fact to everyone in her network. “I wish things were like they used to be :(” Bobs strikes back with a “Nothing like a night with JUST THE GUYS.” Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble.
Ann: “I love when my girls take me out to make me feel better! Y’all are the best! Boys can’t stop staring at the HoTt LaDiEz!”
Bob: “Ha love when creepy guidos post on my gf’s wall. Nice try dude.”
Ann: “Ha love when my boyfriend doesn’t make time for me and then wants to come over later. Nice try dude.”
Bob: “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”
Ann: “The more men I meet, the more I love my dog <3”
Bob: “Shootin hoops to blow off steam. Damn, I’m getting too old for this.”
Ann: “Off to VA Beach for the weekend with my best friend of 12 years Derrick! So glad to get away with one of the nicest guys I know!”
Bob: “FUCK YOU ANN YOU WORTHLESS SLUT I HOPE YOUR DIRTY ROTTEN CHLAMYDIA-INFESTED VAGINA BURNS HOTTER THAN HELL YOU HEARTLESS WHORE”
Ann: “LIKE YOU’D KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY VAGINA BOB IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVER GOT ANYWHERE CLOSE TO IT! ASK DERRICK WHAT IT’S LIKE HE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE!”
Bob: “You know pimpin ain’t easy”
Ann: “All the single ladies, now put your hands UP ;)”
Better than Christmas, man.