Many times, when articles like this are written, they’re prefaced with a disclaimer stating that all of the below information should be taken as a joke, that it’s completely satirical, and that it’s for entertainment purposes only.
This is not one of those times.
I am dead serious.
Being attractive is not hard, and let’s face it, it’s a hell of a lot easier than being fugly. There are a few simple measures that should be taken that I can guarantee will up your hotness factor by at least 70%. Who wouldn’t want those odds? Here we go:
1. Buy Crest Whitestrips: Yellow teeth are absolutely disgusting. I want nothing to do with a boy with pee-stained Chiclets. You smoke? You’re addicted to coffee? Your toothbrush broke twelve years ago? Fine. A box of these babies will run you about thirty bucks and you instantly look cleaner, wealthier, and all around more bangable. I have met more than my fair share of boys with great smiles and a fantastic laugh that I would rather see don a Silence of the Lambs-esque mask than open their mouths. To look in a mirror and see nothing wrong with two rows of teeth colored with highlighters is a serious problem. Please remedy the situation ASAP.
2. Get in the gym: One of the dead giveaways that a boy is a freshman – besides the lanyard around his neck and “What’s your major?” being his go-to pick-up line – is his scrawny body. I don’t care if you’re naturally small-boned and didn’t get the genes of Arnold Schwarzenegger (although now you might want to reexamine that option), there is no excuse for girly arms. I don’t want to size you up and come to the conclusion that I’d murder you in an arm wrestling match. Go to the gym and start lifting. Being smaller is fine, but looking frail makes me want to donate to the Make a Wish foundation in your honor, and if all of that nonsense can be avoided by a few reps on the lat pull-downs and a push up or fifty, it’s worth it.
3. Clear up that face: You went through puberty many moons ago, my friend, and it’s time for the acne to go. There are like 500 different products on the market right now that will fix your situation and preserve your sexy, just like P. Diddy says. I understand that zits can be tough to conquer and in some cases, you might just say fuck it and bail on your skincare regime, but stay the course and you will reap the benefits of having great skin. It should also be noted that boys with bad skin also usually have gross teeth, so if you fall into this category, please refer to #1.
4. Step up your shoe game: I’m judgmental. I’m sure you couldn’t tell. I can automatically determine whether or not I like a guy within the first seven seconds of meeting him based entirely off of two factors: his nose and his shoes. The latter of the two is crucial. I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you’re not wearing all-white New Balances. If I think even for a second that you mow the lawn in your footwear of choice, strike one you’re out. Acceptable shoe apparel: Sperry’s, Nike Dunks, Rainbow flippies, Vans that haven’t been decorated with Sharpie (are you a preteen girl?), and Converse Chuck Taylor’s in black, grey, navy, or tan. That is seriously all. We’ll discuss that shnoz another time.
5. DON’T get rid of your glasses: This sounds ass-backwards based on what is typically delivered by advice circles formulating their points entirely off of pop culture, but I swear to god those specs are babe magnets. Whether or not you’re actually intelligent won’t matter in the slightest when that girl from your physics lab spots you studying and/or “studying” in the library, absent-mindedly readjusting your frames and concentrating on the equation at hand. Suddenly, she shoots her BFF a text saying, “Hey, did you know [secret nickname for you, probably offensive] wears glasses? He’s at the lib looking sextastic right now. Dibs!” You are so in, buddy, and all because you slept in your contacts and your eyeballs were on fucking fire this morning. A boy in glasses is suddenly much more intriguing, and you can and should use your newfound Clark Kent persona to your full advantage. Let the lenses do the work for you.
6. Tame your man-scruff: Clean shaven? Sexy. A little bit of somethin? Really sexy. ZZ Top beard? I don’t even need to say it. Facial hair is your frienemy, and should be treated accordingly. Keep that 5 o’clock shadow at bay and not only will your getting-ready routine be cake, but you’re silently inviting hot girls to touch your face all day (unless you’re break-out prone; see #3!). If you’re one of the lucky few who can pull off a chinstrap or goatee without looking like a cholo or the token “badass” from any of the boy bands of the 90’s, by all means rock that shit out. If you definitely cannot, don’t. Furthermore, if your mantra is “I don’t give a fuck” and you live every day of your life like it’s No Shave November, don’t be surprised when the only girl you find is the one who shares your likeness to Grizzly Adams in at least three areas of her own body. Gross, right? Better break out the Norelco.
Please, do your fellow bro a solid and pass this list onto him. It’s especially helpful for the incoming college freshman, but let’s not kid ourselves, I know a super senior or four that could use the reminder. And don’t think I’m being sexist here: the ladies have their own list coming so the playing field will be leveled.
Now go forth and summon your inner stud! He’s in there somewhere! Hopefully!