How to Name Your Baby

I have several friends who are in the baby-making business at the moment, which I’m really happy about because A) I love the infant clothing section at Target and B) I have really attractive friends so finally this world will be repopulated with some hotties. Who knew bumpin’ uglies could produce such a beautiful result? Irony.

 

Assuming that they’ve got the actual “procedure” under control, I’d like to move on to the most important decision a parent can make for their new child: making their grade-school roll-call experience a living hell. After examining several naming trends over the past few years and teaching dance to toddlers, I feel that’s the only logical explanation for some of the absurd names I’m forced to pronounce and pretend are “unique” but also 100 percent socially acceptable.

 

Not sure what to name your impending bundle of joy? Follow these tips:

 

#1 I before Y: The letter Y has had its moment in the spotlight. You will very rarely find a SallY or AbbY or BradY anymore, but quite honestly, just changing the Y to an I is so 2001, so today’s parents have decided to get drunk and draw letters out of a hat in order to decide on an original name spelling. The consequence outcome? Vironyka. Jaiydin. Alycksandrya. Basically, you want your son/daughter to be in the next Star Wars movie, because no one on this planet can say those names right on the first try.

 

I mean technically it's the best choice...

#2 Legos: Remember in second grade when we learned about compound words? News + paper = newspaper. Lady + bug = ladybug. The same principle can be used for your baby too, if you, ya know, hate them. If you like the name Rylie but your significant other likes the name Sadie? Settling for a name like Elizabeth is unnecessary. Call her Raydie instead! You can argue that she lights up your life like a ray of sunshine but all the rest of us can think about is that she is an effective killer of roaches and ants. Preh-shuss.

 

#3 “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!”: For those that are super in touch with nature (like, in touch enough to be growing some nature in their basement under a blacklight), environmentally friendly names are totally a thing. Apple, August, Violet, River, Luna, Chrysanthemum – they all guarantee that your new baby is on the fast track to having dreads and becoming the next Double Rainbow guy.

 

#4 Super Villains: If you want everyone to know just how badass of a kid you have before they even have the wherewithal to identify their own foot, name it something menacing. Blaise, Maximus, Alpheus –who would mess with that baby in the sandbox? It should go without saying that you’re now obligated to give your youngin a mohawk the second they have more than three strands of hair, and should dress them up as Bane for Halloween.

 

#5 Backwards man, Backwards man: Nevaeh. That’s all I’m gonna say.

 

Kimye has set the standard for making your child the laughing stock of their elementary school. It’s up to the rest of us to blow North [West] out of the water and make legal name-changing the new trend of the year 2031. Can’t wait to meet little Aubryannelliera!

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