Holiday Movie Drinking Game: A Christmas Story

Whoever the genius at TBS was that came up with "24 Hours of A Christmas Story" better get a massive bonus every December. It is one of my favorite Christmas movies, if not one of my top ten movies of all time, and the fact that I can watch Ralphie whale on Scut Farkus as many times as I want is a true Christmas miracle.

If your holiday is anything like mine, the A Christmas Story drinking game will be a life saver, as sometimes you really do need to be wasted for an entire day. For Jesus.

• Ralphie asks for an "official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle" - Drink!
• Someone curses, or yells out jibberish that's meant to be an extreme profanity rant - Drink 2!
• An adult in costume is legitimately frightening - Drink!
• "Bumpuses!" - Drink 2!
• Scut Farkus "haw haw haw!"'s - Drink!

• You think Ralphie's mom might be on a cocktail of painkillers - Drink 3!
• Randy whines and/or cries - Drink!
• Someone's nose bleeds - Drink 2!
• Ralphie has one of his fantasties - Drink!
• Someone says, "You'll shoot your eye out!" - Drink 2!
• The furnace acts up - Drink 2!
• Randy refuses to eat - Drink 2!

• Ralphie breaks his glasses - Drink 2!
• "Hey, that's mine!" - Drink!
• The Old Man makes a thinly-veiled sarcastic comment - Drink!
• "Oh my God I shot my eye out!" - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

 

 

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Holiday Movie Drinking Game: It's A Wonderful Life

My dog Clarence is named after the guardian angel in It's A Wonderful Life, so clearly this movie is a pretty important part of my holiday season.

Bapie!

My family would always watch it on Christmas night when we probably should've been at church or something, until one year we realized that at least half the room was asleep at any given time. So, the tradition was dropped. Maybe if we had added alcohol into the mix it would've stuck around a little longer, or (if nothing else) the pass-outs would've been understandable.  

• Someone adds "See?" at the end of their sentence, in true 1940s fashion - Drink!
• A bell rings - Drink! Side Note: This happens roughly 40 times throughout the movie. You're fucking welcome.
• One character physically assaults another - Drink 2!
• "Buffalo Gals" plays/is sung - Drink 2!
• People fall in water - Drink!
• George cries - Drink!
• Harry Bailey is hot. Like, really really hot - Drink!
• Someone says a wonderfully retro phrase like "holy mackerel" or "doggone it" or "what the sam hill" and you wish people still said those things - Drink 3!
• George says something awkward and borderline creepy in an effort to flirt with Mary - Drink!
• A prayer is said - Drink!
• Sam "hee haw"s - Drink 2!
• Someone mentions George's sore ear - Drink 2!
• Violet is a slut - Drink 3!
• George has more friends than you - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

 

 

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Holiday Movie Drinking Game: The Santa Clause

I'm not ashamed to admit that The Santa Clause kept me believing in Santa for about a year and a half longer than I rightfully should have. There was too much believability to it, minus the painfully obvious fact that Bernard the Elf was Jewish (wrong holiday, bro). In my letters to Santa, I begged him to wake me up so we could chill out in his sleigh, talk about life, and see what he could do about making the My Size Barbie a few inches shorter (it was speculated that I might be half midget throughout the better part of elementary school and she was too tall for me). Memories!

What better way to relive the happier parts of the holiday season of yore than to pour yourself a rum and eggnog (light on the eggnog) and realize that there was some severe sexual tension going on between Scott Calvin and Judy the Elf.

• Charlie pouts and whines and is just fucking annoying in general - Drink!
• Side note: We could stop the game here and you would be sufficiently wasted after about 10 minutes.
• Someone refers to the idea that "seeing is believing" - Drink!
• "Claus" and "Clause" are used as homophones, leading some of us to still use them interchangeably/incorrectly to this day - Drink 3!
• Bernard kvetches - Drink 2!
• Scott asks, "What if I fall off the roof?" - Drink 2!
• A sexual innuendo is made - Drink! I see you, Disney.
• A drug/alcohol reference is made - Drink! I see you, Disney.
• Scott makes fun of Neil for being a douchebag - Drink!
• A reference to "Home Improvement" and/or Tim the Toolman Taylor is made - Drink 2!
• A kid in the real world has elf ears - Drink!
• Comet the Reindeer is sassy - Drink!
• Charlie's mom exasperatedly says, "Scott!" but you can tell she's still into it - Drink 2!
• E.L.F.S. Leader drops a badass one-liner - Drink 2!
• You want to remove the memory that they made two sequels after this, neither of which will ever live up to the original masterpiece - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

But Daaaddd, I need to complain about everything to distract from my unfortunate bowl cut!

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What My Grandma Thinks of Your Thanksgiving Outfit

Last Thanksgiving I had a very enlightening conversation with my cousin about who my grandma's "favorite" grandchild was. I thought I had it in the bag since my brothers and other cousins have all committed some kind of heinous act (tattoos, blue hair, living in sin, general sassiness, etc.) to get them written out of the will, while yours truly is an angel whom she adores through and through.

Apparently, I was wrong.

My cousin matter-of-factly informed me that my grandma was NOT my biggest fan because I wear "booty shorts." It should be noted that she lives at the beach and we primarily visit during the summer, so shorts are the obvious choice, and to be quite frank the woman should be thankful I'm wearing pants at all. But it disturbed me nonetheless.

You see, I could read between the lines: In Grandma language, "Skylar wears booty shorts" roughly translates to "My granddaughter is a massive whore." Completely false! Size medium shorts may be the acceptable length but they're too big in the waist! It's the issue that has and will plague me for life! Grandma, understand!

Needless to say, I am not a massive whore, and I also now stick to a strict below-the-knee, above-the-collar-bone wardrobe mentality when around my grandma. I recommend you do the same, unless you'd like to be bombarded by passive aggression and comments like, "Well would you look at that" and, "Oh."

Here's what you can expect to hear should you wear one of these outfits to Thanksgiving dinner with my grandmother:

"Are those pants your mother's?"
"No, they're mine."

"Your mom had some like that in the seventies."

"Oh rea-"

"I didn't like them at all."

"...Great..."

"You look so nice! You look just like your grandpa!"

*Ten minutes of uncomfortable crying*
(Repeat every hour on the hour)

"Are you going to change before dinner?"

"Nah, it's just our family so I thought I'd be comfy."

"Mmhmm..................................Have you found a job yet?"

 

"You know, Betty Crawford's granddaughter is about your age and she works as a marketing analyst in Chicago! You live in a city too! So much in common."

 

 

"Are you cold?"

"No."

"Are you wearing a scarf because you're cold?"

"No..."

"It's ALWAYS SO COLD in this house!"

 

 

"So...is your special friend coming to dinner?"

"I'm single."

"But, you know, your special friend...?"

"Grandma I'm not seeing anyone right now."

"All of your fancy, special friends..."

"Are you asking if I'm gay?"
"WHAT NO WHAT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT WHAT." 

 

 

"Hm."

 

 

 

--Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Love and Order CVU: Creeper Victim's Unit - Justin Bobby

In the Serial Dating System, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the bros who do creepy shit and the ladies who have to text their friends, "SAVE MEEE." These are their stories.

I was walking to the bus stop one day when a guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He seemed very indie and mysterious, so of course I immediately dubbed him Justin Bobby a la The Hills.

Justin Bobby got my number and asked me to meet him after class for dinner two days later. I told him I was a vegetarian (lie) but he took me to a Mexican restaurant that had little-to-no vegetarian options. Thanksss...

He proceeded to tell me that he strongly believes in reincarnation and that people had "past lives." He believed that he was a lonesome cowboy in the past life, possibly like Jesse James. He thought I was a quilt maker. When I commented that my past life sucked, he went into detail explaining how cowboys needed quilts for under their saddles, and he was certain he and I had met before. Apparently, I had made him a quilt for his saddle and I was essentially meant to help him in this life.

Needless to say that date was cut short and his number was deleted ASAP.

--Crafty Audrina Patridge

Love and Order CVU: Creeper Victim's Unit - Pug Luvr

After the story of my embarrassing life hit the internet, I was inundated with texts and Facebook messages from other girls who had experienced similarly catastrophic dates. In the interest of group commiseration, I decided to create a series that would tell other girls that they're not alone, and tell weird guys that maybe they should pump the brakes a smidge. If you have a story that you would like shared, feel free to send it my way!

In the Serial Dating System, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the bros who do creepy shit and the ladies who have to text their friends, "SAVE MEEE." These are their stories.

 

After my boyfriend and I broke up from our approximately four-and-a-half-year relationship, I went on a blind date with a guy who was 26. I figured older, more mature, distraction, all good. Let me just say THANK GOD we went out for drinks because if I wasn't drunk I don't know what I would have done.

 

So he's starts out seemingly normal, everything is going well. Then he proceeds to tell me that he's never had a girlfriend--not even middle school, hand holding, not-a-real-relationship relationship--so I figured I'd switch the subject and randomly talk about how I really want a husky. He tells me he hates big dogs (he's 6'4...) but he is obsessed with pugs--not because he thinks that they're so ugly they're cute, but because he thinks they are the most beautiful creatures in the world. He even has an "I love pugs" t-shirt that he frequently wears out to bars (amazing that he's never found the right girl, right?).

 

For whatever reason, I agreed to a second date, figuring I could just take shots beforehand. He took me to P.F. Changs, and all of a sudden he started asking me personal sex questions like, "What's your favorite position?" and, "Oh you were a gymnast? I bet you're real flexible!" "Do you like it dirty?!"

 

Needless to say the ride home was extremely awkward. And I proceeded to immediately defriend him on Facebook.

 

--Balto Babe





Female Body Inspector? FBI! You're Hysterical: Male Halloween Costumes, Explained

I love me a clever Halloween costume. As evidenced by last year’s “sexy” costume post, I’m all for creativity, but you really do walk a fine line between looking hot and being the butt of everyone’s joke the whole night (Sexy Bacon? You’re making breakfast time taste like lap dances and a father’s tears).

 

For the guys, it’s really not about looking hot as it is being “funny,” a term we will use very loosely throughout this entire post. “Look ladies, I’m wearing my personality! Could it be any easier to find someone else to talk to tonight?” How many costumes can they really make that either suggest that the wearer has a ginormous Krull the Warrior King or force hoes to shove their boobs in his face, and what exactly does the costume say about the guy as a whole? Let’s find out:

 

Wholesome Disney Character Costume – You either have kids, or are in the complete opposite direction and have never been laid. Ever. More than likely you are wearing this to a neighborhood costume party where your wife is a big puffy version of Buzz Lightyear (because who does she have to impress anymore?), but should you find yourself at a bar at 1 a.m., you will definitely only be taking one and a half Gummi Bear shots and drunkenly telling a Sexy Ninja Turtle, “But I like, respect you, you know what I mean?” right before you go home alone.

 

Rub Me Genie – Get it? It’s like asking for a hand job. Because at 26 years old that’s exactly what you should be going for. Your friends really don’t like you or else they would have talked you out of this horrendous get-up. Rub your own lamp, weirdo.

 

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man – You’re a heavy drinker (read: alcoholic) and a man with a plan; I admire you. You’re aware of the fact that you will be getting unbelievably trashed tonight, so when you’re swaying around and falling into people, you know they can’t get mad because you’re just staying in character. This is genius. Carry on. Also, Family Guy references are always crowd pleasers, it’s just a fact of life.

 

Weed – Nothing says, “I’m unemployed!” like a marijuana leaf costume. You’ve also just placed a big target on your back because if a group of guys come stumbling out of a bar, who do you think the cops are going to zero in on first? You guessed it: the bro who looks like he dropped $75 on a ticket to The String Cheese Incident concert.

 

The Joker – It’s been done. You’re either lazy, completely oblivious to any advances in pop culture, or a Bar Dad. To be fair, it’s most likely all three. Seriously though, there’s even been another Batman movie to come out since this one, you really need to get with the times.

 

Charlie Sheen – Can’t wait to hear you yell out, “Winning!” all night with your buddy The Joker. Go home.

 

Robin Thicke – You, sir, are doing it right. Culturally relevant in every possible way, this costume could either be a happy accident or the ploy of an extremely strategic young man. Women will flock to you for one of several reasons: 1) Every Woo Girl in the place will assemble when the DJ plays “Blurred Lines” for the umpteenth time. “OMIGAHH I LOVE THIS SONGGGG YOU SING IT SO GOOD!” 2) You have un/intentionally invited multiple ladies to twerk all up on ya throughout the course of the night. If you play this correctly, you can start a twerking contest in which five skinny white girls will drunkenly grind on your junk trying to outdo each other, and one black girl will step in to show them how it’s really done. Major, major kudos.  

 

Zombie Hotdog – Goddammit, is nothing sacred anymore?!

 

Banana – Have you been anything new for the past seven years? Be honest. Whatever, you don’t even really like Halloween and will still pull based on this blatantly obvious nonchalance. You can also revel in the fact that Sexy Big Bird will definitely text her friend Sexy Cinderella in the morning, “omg i think i got gang banged by a fruit basket last night, can u come get me?”

 

Zero Fucks Given T-shirt – Can you just go in a corner and watch Portlandia on your phone the rest of the night? Like, please? Your rose gold oxfords and grandpa cardigan are really putting a damper on everything. No, I don’t think the DJ knows any Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

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