Untweetable

I’ve noticed a recent increase in the amount of people that tweet something along the lines of, “UGH the things I wish I could tweet sometimes.” Naturally I've been a little confused, because I don’t have a filter so the concept of self-editing is completely lost on me. I was positive that I had never not tweeted something, and decided to check out my Twitter Drafts to see if this was true.

 

IT WAS NOT.

 

Apparently, from about last March until now, a ton of my 140-characters have gone by the wayside, either due to poor WiFi connection, poor alcohol management, or Poor Skylar Syndrome in which I would type something depressing out that I had no intention of actually tweeting and then forget to delete it. I considered omitting those that fall into the latter category, but what fun is that? Please laugh at my shortcomings, I beg you.

 

 

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, and you see the tweets below that didn’t make the cut, you can only imagine what you’re missing out on. @SkylarKorby, get at me.

 

The people who say “I don’t think I say this enough” followed by how blessed they are are usually the ones who say it way too much. #congrats #nowstop

 

Fishin for the lawd. #HappyEaster

 

I have never been so happy .ad o am right now. Anthony kiedis love meee. #Rchp #bestshowever #amaxzing

 

We go together like lamb and tuna fish. #weird #love

 

My boy likes red lipstick but I can’t wear red lipstick because I like him so much that I’ll get red lipstick all over his face. #wwjd

 

“Back that bitch out into the water” is, apparently, not what @LBTmusic is singing. #couldafooledme #Pontoon

 

“Her lack of eyebrows used to terrify me. It seems as though she’s gotten that under control though so she can come.” --anonymous #theymatter

 

My only request is that I get to walk down the aisle to the chopped and screwed version of The Wedding March. #ghettoromance

 

The amount of respect I have for someone decreases by at least 70% when I hear that their ringtone is Cruise by @FLAGALine. #sawng #awful

Just got told I have a smile like The Joker. #Rude, but I’ll be damned if I don’t see the resemblance

 

Garden Vegetable @WheatThins, how do you do that voodoo that you do so well. #crack

Nohting says "I don't give a fuck" lke an obliteratted girl sitting outsid of the Granville crying & screaming "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" #wifethatup

#FYI after 3 a.m. all country music on the radio is heavily harmonized and very suicide-centric

 

Awkward hobby: Looking to see who everyone’s “best friends” are on #Snapchat. S/O to @TheMotoBenny, @ELSchum, and @jconks!

 

Vai a farti fottere una puttana

 

Today’s self-discovery: my scalp tingles when I’m upset. It’s like feeling your hair grow but minus the drugs. #trippy

You are cordially invited to go fuck yourself

 

#ParentalControl is still on the air? This knowledge would’ve saved me about 6 months of my life

Accepting @SkyDigg4 compliments by association because a lot of people told me I was pretty today and I’m trying to keep that momentum going

 

S/O to Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the Mutants Over at Table 9. #lovestinks #yeahyeah

“Or maybe they break up cause she cheats on him with a 30 year old cook from the local red lobster.” –optimism by @ELSchum

 

I AIN’T NEVER SCARED. #exceptaroundwasps

 

In giving me directions, my dad just spent 3 mins emphasizing that the stop sign I’d encounter was NOT a yield sign. The mystery behind my awful driving skills is solved

 

Crying in my work parking lot because I hit a bird on the way here. He popped. #sorrybud

 

#YIKES

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Thrust into the Real World: One Year Later

It’s been a year.

A lot has happened. Some great, some undesirable, and some just flat out odd. Such is life.

·         I stopped using the weight loss app and the $17 wedges still hurt my feet. You’d think after all this time they’d be broken in, but fashion doesn’t work that way.

·         A new family lives in my childhood home now. I was convinced people were hiding out in the basement crawlspace for the entire 18 years that we inhabited the place so I might as well bring the fantasy to life for the new kids in that house and set up shop down there ASAP.

·         I totally miss my piece-of-shit, hole-in-the-wall, roach-infested, embarrassingly “furnished” apartment. I’d move back in in a heartbeat. Reggie and I were soul mates; a good soldier never leaves an invertebrate behind.

·         Hilary is proving herself to be quite resilient. My Favorites will never be returned to their previous glory, but we’re getting there. I’m pretty sure the nerve damage from my thigh burns has almost completely reversed itself, too! Light at the end of the tunnel!

·         I ordered Cabernet Franc at a bar tonight and totally knew what to expect. WHAT?! I also have a much greater patience with drunk people and have learned that curling your hair and wearing mascara will garner a day of about $30 in tips, while putting your hair in a messy bun and looking like a train wreck will get you maybe $3. Every day I’m hustlin’.

·         My internship was the best thing that I’ve done in the past twelve months and totally solidified that whole “Everything happens for a reason” thing. I won’t have to buy shampoo til like October, I got to meet some local celebs, and I can proudly say that I was correct in my assumption that Sales Girl #1 was preggo long before she not-so-quietly whispered it her cube mate.

·         My tattoo idea has progressed. “Open A Vein” is still on the table, but two other contenders have entered the octagon, which basically means I’ll never be getting a tattoo because I can barely choose what I want for breakfast in the morning. I am now also considering a pictorial representation of the first lines of Incubus’ “Warning,” with an eye, Saturn, a dove, and lips, OR an ampersand (&) which would represent the idea that the symbol is a broken infinity, because nothing truly lasts forever but there is always an “and.” I also am entertaining the idea of a spine tattoo. Shit’s getting real, you guys.

·         I’ve watched The Notebook more than is socially acceptable. It doesn’t relate to my life nearly as much as it seemed to a few months back. I think I’ll delete that from the DVR tomorrow, actually.

·         My mom just recently asked me how I seem to attract the weirdest of the weirdos and all I can say is that I’m too nice and I think awkward encounters make for good stories so I like to see those types of things through. Also, who doesn’t like it when an innocent old redneck calls you “hunneh” and tells you you’re pretty? If you say you don’t, you’re lying.  

·         My taste in music dropped acid sometime last March and the trip has only gotten more ridiculous since then. The day I added Pantera, Jamiroquai and Wale to the same running playlist I knew I had officially lost it.

So here we are. I survived, and when everything’s said and done I really don’t think I’m any worse for the wear. My hair is back to its normal color, my heart has demonstrated that it’s basically indestructible, and I voluntarily ate zucchini yesterday (?).

Cheers!

This is early adulthood, my friends: it’s fucked up and terrible and wonderful and you cry a lot, both out of pure happiness and not. I’m excited to see what amazing things come next.

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