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Thursday, February 14, 2013

I Was A Third Grade Playette

I was a bit of an early bloomer in the love department. I had my first crush on a brown-haired stallion named Nick when I was in preschool, and I’ve never looked back. I forced my first kiss upon someone at circle time in Kindergarten, got really good at kickball in order to receive more boy attention at recess, and pseudo-cheated on my sixth grade boyfriend by hugging someone else on the last day of school. Whatever, it just wasn’t working out.

Luckily for all of us, I also started my writing career super early, and documented all of my escapades in a pink Barbie diary which I plan to donate to the National Archives when I die because this shit is just that good.

My elementary school relationships were always drama-filled and never monogamous. What, like I was expected to settle down at age nine? A girl has to explore all of her options, just in case one of her love interests is on a field trip and subsequently won’t be present to ogle at the lunch table.

I have pulled some of these diary entries for your Valentine's Day enjoyment, so that we can all bask in the glory that was my tumultuous, Capri Sun-fueled passion. Names have been omitted because I’m still friends with some of these bros-in-training on Facebook, but they know who they are, and I hope our times pushing each other down on the playground are as fond in their hearts as they are in mine.

Love Lesson Learned: Why WOULDN'T he want me, I'm hot shit!

Love Lesson Learned: Take control of my man and our future life together as soon as possible
Love Lesson Learned: Ladies is pimps too
Love Lesson Learned: Subtlety gets you nowhere
Love Lesson Learned: There's always some other ho gettin in the way... 
Love Lesson Learned: Diamonds and excessive attention are a girl's best friend
P.S. let's talk about how wise-beyond-my-years I was here. Why this knowledge didn't
translate to later in life (i.e. COLLEGE) I have no effing idea.
Love Lesson Learned: Break up after 1 month = no eye contact
Break up after 2 months = burn his house down
That last one was my first foray into "real" relationships aka the world of high school dating. We'll stop there because it only gets more unnecessarily dramatic and verifiably stupid, but you get the picture.
If only I had treated every recent relationship I've had like Elementary School Skylar did, my love life would be much more lucrative and I'd probably have about a gazillion "BLUE JEWELED NECKLACES" by now.

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