Gifts No One Wants on Valentine's Day

The movie Valentine’s Day was on HBO tonight and while it’s a well-known fact that I don’t condone anything associated with Taylor Swift or her whiny “Pick Me Choose Me Love Meeee” music, I somehow still got sucked into watching the entire thing. Again. In between calling bullshit on the fact that Bradley Cooper could ever be gay and that Anne Hathaway’s character could moonlight as a phone sex operator from her cell phone (it’s required that you do it from a landline. I looked into it), I was mostly distracted by the obnoxious, gigantic teddy bear that TSwift’s character chose to carry around everywhere. All I could think about was how unromantic (and yeah, uncool) I would feel lugging a ginormous Winnie the Pooh on my back all day, and how anyone who was trying to win my affection would only have to hand me a plate of Cheesecake Factory four-cheese pasta and catch me on the flipside. 

I’m not sure what it is, but it seems that come February everyone is still burnt out from Christmas shopping and totally blows it in the V-Day gift-giving department. Yeah yeah, we know, “it’s the thought that counts,” but if your boyfriend/girlfriend put actual effort into any of the gifts mentioned below, you all either found each other on Craigslist or you’re pushing 40 and this is as good as it’s gonna get. Do your relationship a favor and refrain from exchanging the following gifts that no one wants to receive on this day o’ love.

Oh, and remember that there is no shame whatsoever in sending yourself an Edible Arrangement and calling it a night. Or so I’ve heard.

A puppy – In theory, this seems like a great idea. “It’s a symbol of our love! As we raise this little animal together it’s like we’re growing our bond! We can name it Cupid!” Then it pees all over your girlfriend’s carpet and cries all through the strip tease she’s trying to replicate from her Flirty Girl Fitness DVD, completely ruining an otherwise perfectly romantic moment. The most difficult part about a Valentine’s Day puppy is that by February 15 it has become a Forever puppy and suddenly everyone remembers that puppies like to be fed occasionally. Soon enough, your cutesy gift takes a cruel turn as you have to return it to the Humane Society and receive disapproving glares of hatred from the volunteers. How sweet.

Clothing in a size M, L, or XL – Logic is not a big part of Valentine’s Day. Or relationships. Or life in general, for that matter. The sooner you understand this, the better. Now I know what you’re thinking: “But she is a medium!” And yes, the medium sweater will fit her and be far more flattering and blah blah blah. But does she want to wear a medium? No. Does she want you to think she wears a medium? Absolutely not. Girls have some twisted reasoning when it comes to sizing, but as a general rule, anything with the letter “S” in it will suffice. Don’t worry about whether or not it fits, worry about whether or not you’ll be in the doghouse for assuming her correct size is made with an inch more of fabric.

A subscription to Maxim – You may think this is the coolest move you could pull in your quest to become Girlfriend of the Year, and in some ways it might be. You’re essentially giving him a free pass to look at hotties, proving how secure you are not only with yourself but also your relationship… But real talk, we both know that you’re overcompensating for the fact that he caught you looking through his texts and this is your peace offering. He knows just as well as you do that he has no chance with any of the girls in that magazine, but that won’t keep you from kidnapping each new issue and using the pages as your puppy’s crate liner because you “ran out” of newspaper.

Love Coupons –

“One free back massage.”

“Two free kisses on the forehead.”

“One five-minute session of ‘No, YOU hang up!’”

“One free offer to pick up a box of tampons for you.”

“Three minutes of being understanding when I see you talking to your ex-girlfriend.”

“One promise to buy you flowers tomorrow to make up for this stupid excuse for a present.”

Valentine’s Day on DVD – Seriously, this movie sucks.