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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Last Semester of College Facts of Life

-       If your hairstyle is classy, so is the sideboob you’re unintentionally displaying. Own it.

-       There is zero shame in going to the bar in yoga pants, glasses, and a messy bun.

-        A 10-page paper should take three hours to complete. A 10-page paper will take seven and a half hours to complete.

-        The aforementioned 10-page paper will actually be eight pages and some change but makes the cut thanks to size 14 periods and size 13 commas.

-        Skipping a week of school to road trip to Mardi Gras is a rite of passage and should never be met with feelings of guilt or the phrase “But I have a ten page paper due!”

-          Mixing the last bit of a bottle of whiskey and the last bit of a bottle of vodka is called “creativity.”

-        Doing something stupid after mixing whiskey and vodka is called “learning a lesson.”

-        You will get a dog. You will love the dog. The dog will pee everywhere, chew everything, and cry constantly. You will no longer love the dog.

-        Forget what your mama says. A person can live off of Kraft singles, celery, and fun size Snickers alone.

-       Spending half your rent on a pillowtop mattress pad and memory foam pillows is the best idea you will ever have in your life period.

-       If you had a project due on Monday, waiting until Thursday and then shooting your professor an “I’ve been having technical difficulties” e-mail undoes everything and is basically the same thing as turning it in on time.

-       The last three weeks of your college career are officially sponsored by the phrases “I don’t even care anymore,” “Wanna go to Tequila Tuesday?” and “I forget what motivation feels like.”

-       When you’re studying in the library with headphones on, people can still hear you humming along to Red Hot Chili Peppers. It’s not that embarrassing.

-       Not having finals and celebrating how you’re on summer break two weeks earlier than everyone else is not making you any friends.

-       Realizing you have $70 left on your meal card and you have to spend it by next Monday will make you a ton of friends, and they all want Chik-fil-A waffle fries.

-       Coinstar. That is all.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

We Wasted the Good Surprise on You!

Hey everyone who’s been dating their significant other for at least the past three years of college, good news: you’re getting engaged.
How do I know? Because duh, that’s the only logical next step. Wait until you’ve established your career and save up to throw yourself a decent wedding? See how your relationship flourishes/flounders in the real world as opposed to the college bubble? Continue to have the inexpensive option of just breaking up with your boo when they do something stupid instead of having to become familiar with the phrase “irreconcilable differences”? Blasphemy! You should definitely get married instead.
Now that the cat’s out of the bag I might as well break the entire process down for you so you know exactly what kind of well-thought-out events are on the horizon.

First, let’s talk about timing. You’re about to graduate, right? Could there be a more optimum time – when you’re not freaking out about job prospects or trying to maintain the last GPA you will ever receive in your whole entire life – than this? Hell to the no! You know exactly what the next six months will bring, and what else would you want to add to your plate than finding your dream gown a la Say Yes to the Dress and booking a photographer? This is going to be so relaxing.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though. Before any of the planning can commence (did you know that the average cost of a wedding is about $20,000? Should be a cinch to pay off along with your student loans), the actual popping of the question must happen. Every couple is different, and every proposer puts their own spin on things, but you can generally assume that you will be asked either a month before the end of the year or right smack dab in the middle of finals week. The least stressful times of the year, congratulations! Get engaged around winter break instead? Are you crazy? That’s far too soon; people will think you’re far too young. You’re better off doing it at the same time as everyone else. It’s more special that way.
I know this doesn’t need to be said, but I am begging you: please plaster your new-and-improved relationship status all over Facebook. I’m talking pictures upon pictures of the ring, you two as a couple, just the girl, the whole nine yards. I’m going to be conveniently busy the weekend of your actual wedding so these should suffice for me. Also, please be sure to make every status update you have from now until the wedding be about the wedding. Every. Single. One. If you want to do me an extra solid, refer to your boyfriend/girlfriend as your “fiancé” in all of them, because I might get confused about who you’re talking about or what huge event is going on in your life. It would really help if you would suddenly become a fun hater and cease to post any more pictures of you going out and acting a drunk fool, because we all know you are now much more mature than the rest of us and couldn’t possibly participate in such shenanigans. Our generation is totally cut out for marrying young.

Well I hope you’re as shocked about this news as I am! You definitely didn’t see this coming and you haven’t been holding out for the ring for the past six months, right? Great. I now pronounce you Prepared and Financially Secure.