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Monday, December 23, 2013

Holiday Movie Drinking Game: A Christmas Story

Whoever the genius at TBS was that came up with "24 Hours of A Christmas Story" better get a massive bonus every December. It is one of my favorite Christmas movies, if not one of my top ten movies of all time, and the fact that I can watch Ralphie whale on Scut Farkus as many times as I want is a true Christmas miracle.

If your holiday is anything like mine, the A Christmas Story drinking game will be a life saver, as sometimes you really do need to be wasted for an entire day. For Jesus.

  • Ralphie asks for an "official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle" - Drink!
  • Someone curses, or yells out jibberish that's meant to be an extreme profanity rant - Drink 2!
  • An adult in costume is legitimately frightening - Drink!
  • "Bumpuses!" - Drink 2!
  • Scut Farkus "haw haw haw!"'s - Drink!
  • You think Ralphie's mom might be on a cocktail of painkillers - Drink 3!
  • Randy whines and/or cries - Drink!
  • Someone's nose bleeds - Drink 2!
  • Ralphie has one of his fantasties - Drink!
  • Someone says, "You'll shoot your eye out!" - Drink 2!
  • The furnace acts up - Drink 2!
  • Randy refuses to eat - Drink 2!
  • Ralphie breaks his glasses - Drink 2!
  • "Hey, that's mine!" - Drink!
  • The Old Man makes a thinly-veiled sarcastic comment - Drink!
  • "Oh my God I shot my eye out!" - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Holiday Movie Drinking Game: It's A Wonderful Life

My dog Clarence is named after the guardian angel in It's A Wonderful Life, so clearly this movie is a pretty important part of my holiday season.

My family would always watch it on Christmas night when we probably should've been at church or something, until one year we realized that at least half the room was asleep at any given time. So, the tradition was dropped. Maybe if we had added alcohol into the mix it would've stuck around a little longer, or (if nothing else) the pass-outs would've been understandable.  

  • Someone adds "See?" at the end of their sentence, in true 1940s fashion - Drink!
  • A bell rings - Drink! Side Note: This happens roughly 40 times throughout the movie. You're fucking welcome.
  • One character physically assaults another - Drink 2!
  • "Buffalo Gals" plays/is sung - Drink 2!
  • People fall in water - Drink!
  • George cries - Drink!
  • Harry Bailey is hot. Like, really really hot - Drink!
  • Someone says a wonderfully retro phrase like "holy mackerel" or "doggone it" or "what the sam hill" and you wish people still said those things - Drink 3!
  • George says something awkward and borderline creepy in an effort to flirt with Mary - Drink!
  • A prayer is said - Drink!
  • Sam "hee haw"s - Drink 2!
  • Someone mentions George's sore ear - Drink 2!
  • Violet is a slut - Drink 3!
  • George has more friends than you - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
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Monday, December 9, 2013

Holiday Movie Drinking Game: The Santa Clause

I'm not ashamed to admit that The Santa Clause kept me believing in Santa for about a year and a half longer than I rightfully should have. There was too much believability to it, minus the painfully obvious fact that Bernard the Elf was Jewish (wrong holiday, bro). In my letters to Santa, I begged him to wake me up so we could chill out in his sleigh, talk about life, and see what he could do about making the My Size Barbie a few inches shorter (it was speculated that I might be half midget throughout the better part of elementary school and she was too tall for me). Memories!

What better way to relive the happier parts of the holiday season of yore than to pour yourself a rum and eggnog (light on the eggnog) and realize that there was some severe sexual tension going on between Scott Calvin and Judy the Elf.

  • Charlie pouts and whines and is just fucking annoying in general - Drink!
    • Side note: We could stop the game here and you would be sufficiently wasted after about 10 minutes.
  • Someone refers to the idea that "seeing is believing" - Drink!
  • "Claus" and "Clause" are used as homophones, leading some of us to still use them interchangeably/incorrectly to this day - Drink 3!
  • Bernard kvetches - Drink 2!
  • Scott asks, "What if I fall off the roof?" - Drink 2!
  • A sexual innuendo is made - Drink! I see you, Disney.
  • A drug/alcohol reference is made - Drink! I see you, Disney.
  • Scott makes fun of Neil for being a douchebag - Drink!
  • A reference to "Home Improvement" and/or Tim the Toolman Taylor is made - Drink 2!
  • A kid in the real world has elf ears - Drink!
  • Comet the Reindeer is sassy - Drink!
  • Charlie's mom exasperatedly says, "Scott!" but you can tell she's still into it - Drink 2!
  • E.L.F.S. Leader drops a badass one-liner - Drink 2!
  • You want to remove the memory that they made two sequels after this, neither of which will ever live up to the original masterpiece - CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

But Daaaddd, I need to complain about everything to distract from my unfortunate bowl cut!

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