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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Last Semester of College Facts of Life

-       If your hairstyle is classy, so is the sideboob you’re unintentionally displaying. Own it.

-       There is zero shame in going to the bar in yoga pants, glasses, and a messy bun.

-        A 10-page paper should take three hours to complete. A 10-page paper will take seven and a half hours to complete.

-        The aforementioned 10-page paper will actually be eight pages and some change but makes the cut thanks to size 14 periods and size 13 commas.

-        Skipping a week of school to road trip to Mardi Gras is a rite of passage and should never be met with feelings of guilt or the phrase “But I have a ten page paper due!”

-          Mixing the last bit of a bottle of whiskey and the last bit of a bottle of vodka is called “creativity.”

-        Doing something stupid after mixing whiskey and vodka is called “learning a lesson.”

-        You will get a dog. You will love the dog. The dog will pee everywhere, chew everything, and cry constantly. You will no longer love the dog.

-        Forget what your mama says. A person can live off of Kraft singles, celery, and fun size Snickers alone.

-       Spending half your rent on a pillowtop mattress pad and memory foam pillows is the best idea you will ever have in your life period.

-       If you had a project due on Monday, waiting until Thursday and then shooting your professor an “I’ve been having technical difficulties” e-mail undoes everything and is basically the same thing as turning it in on time.

-       The last three weeks of your college career are officially sponsored by the phrases “I don’t even care anymore,” “Wanna go to Tequila Tuesday?” and “I forget what motivation feels like.”

-       When you’re studying in the library with headphones on, people can still hear you humming along to Red Hot Chili Peppers. It’s not that embarrassing.

-       Not having finals and celebrating how you’re on summer break two weeks earlier than everyone else is not making you any friends.

-       Realizing you have $70 left on your meal card and you have to spend it by next Monday will make you a ton of friends, and they all want Chik-fil-A waffle fries.

-       Coinstar. That is all.

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