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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Gotcha Bitch: Ne-Yo

It is impossible to get anything past me.

That's not actually true, as evidenced by my boyfriend's several successful attempts at surprising me with anything from M&M's to a TV to a freakin bed, but when I am given ample time to figure something out I am the master at observing the situation and cracking the code.

My most recent bout with being a sleuth came when I heard Ne-Yo's new song "Let Me Love You." When the radio announcer introduced the new tune, the first thing that popped into my head was a song by Mario of the same name, circa 2004. Of course, I currently have no idea how Ne-Yo's new song goes, because all I can think of is Mario's song, which led me to a life-changing epiphany:

Ne-Yo is a copycat.

It is my overwhelmingly correct opinion that Ne-Yo gains success from the previous accomplishments of other artists. Nice try, Popped Collar, looks like I figured you out. And unlike the girl in the Bacardi commercial I will not be swooned by your fedora.

Miss Independent - Raise your hand if the first person you thought of after reading those two words was Kelly Clarkson. She released her version during the heyday of girl power songs such as Destiny's Child's "Independent Women (Part 1)" and Christina Aguilera's "Can't Hold Us Down." Immediate success, giving lots of awkward middle school girls hope that society would not limit them to a life of huge foreheads and questionable bob haircuts (whattup). Five years later, Ne-Yo decided to recycle this success with his own version. "Omigah he is like the perfect man, he totally gets that I'm my own person I LOVE HIMMM," said other women. "Oh reeeeeal original," said I.

Think About You - This is Ne-Yo's David Guetta collabo. I believe the thought process went something like this: "People like dubstep. David Guetta makes dupstep popular. David Guetta worked with Usher. I am Diet Usher." Regardless of the melodic dissimilarities, "Think About You" and "Without You" are basically the same thing, because everything dubstep is the same thing, aka I'd rather bury my head in the ground like an ostrich than listen to it. I'd have a lot more respect for Ne-Yo if he had avoided the dubstep route entirely, but what would the world be without tantric beats and glow sticks flooding the radio airwaves? Lack of strobe lights is the reason for political unrest in Syria, count it.

Lazy Love; Sexy Love; Crazy Love - Ne-Yo isn't even innovative enough to not imitate himself. How many schizophrenics have you dated, sir? I'm afraid to ask, but considering the sheer amount of baby mama drama songs he has produced, I can only assume that his Number is way high, and we all know what that leads to, right? Syphillis and illegitimate children. Maybe hang up the falling in love fantasy and adopt a hit-it-and-quit-it mentality like the rest of the music community. It's working out phenomenally well for Taylor Swift.

So Sick - This isn't actually a copycat song. I just find it incessently funny when people tell me, "I'm so sick" and I reply, "...of love songs?" This song came out in 2006. I have a lot of friends.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thrust into the Real World: Month 4

This was a month of firsts.
It was my first time living completely, entirely by myself in my whole life. This led to me following Alanis Morissette's recommendation of walking around naked in my living room aka the entire apartment, which led to my first meeting of my across-the-airshaft neighbors. They really like me now.
It was my first experience with Reggie the Roach, an eight-foot-tall, 600 pound monster who scared me away from my countertop for a day and a half. I might be exaggerating, but not really. This allowed me to give Lowe's its first experience in selling the largest supply of roach killer imaginable, and now Reggie is mounted on my wall like a prize buck head. DON'T MESS WITH ME.
It was my first time not having a first day of school. I thought I'd have a sentimental breakdown about this, but as soon as the "It's the third day of classes and I already have an exam?!?!" statuses started popping up, my superiority complex reared its perfectly-teased head and I felt juuuust fine.
It was my first time ever having my power and gas shut off. My mom and dad did a great job of never letting this happen when I was growing up, and despite the dumpiness of some of my living spaces in college, I could at least always ensure my straightener would turn on. What...a luxury. The biggest #firstworldproblem that arose from this was the fact that I could not keep my phone adequately charged, which (when coupled with my lack of digital clock) meant I never knew what time it was and had to rely on primitive instincts to determine when I should leave for work. FYI: darkness means its 8 pm.
So my life has more or less calmed down. Hopefully more fun firsts continue to come my way, while Reggie's vengeful relatives continue to quiver in fear instead of eating my face in my sleep.