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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Gotcha Bitch: Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey is one slick bastard.
The man is essentially doing what I have desired my whole life to achieve: do whatever the eff you want, don’t change for nothin’, and make cash mahney while doing it.

Technically, we could call him an actor. In reality, however, we all know that McConaughey most likely shows up to the set, reads over the script, says, “Yeah, I’m gonna say whatever comes to mind, actually,” and then goes and smokes weed in his trailer for three hours. I really don’t think we can call what he does “acting” simply because he isn’t.
He’s being himself.
In every single movie.
Seriously, every time.

Failure to Launch: Plays a 35-year-old man-child who lives with his parents, has commitment issues, and is friends with Justin Bartha who is always type-cast as the goofy sarcastic friend. Has a chill playboy attitude, wears expensive-looking clothes, drives a sports car, and a cute twangy southern accent. Leaning against his love interest in the movie poster.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: Plays a 30-something ad executive who has commitment issues and is friends with Adam Goldberg and Thomas Lennon, his goofy, sarcastic friends. Has a chill playboy attitude, wears expensive-looking clothes, and rides a motorcycle. Has a cute twangy southern accent even though the movie is set in NYC and his family is supposed to originally be from Staten Island. Leaning against his love interest in the movie poster.  

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Plays a 30-something fashion photographer who likes to hit it and quit it (thus having commitment issues), and is brothers with Breckin Meyer, who typically plays the sarcastic, down-to-earth, half-funny character. Has a chill playboy attitude, wears a suit pretty much throughout the entire movie, drives a sports car AND ghosts around with a pimped out Michael Douglas. Still has the twangy southern accent even though the movie is set in Massachusetts, which is unfortunate because with those looks and a Bahston accent I would practically lose my mind. Leaning against his love interest in the movie poster.

The Wedding Planner: Plays a 30-something doctor who is getting married (!) but is easily seduced by Jennifer Lopez. Justin Chambers is funny I guess (?). Is actually pretty nice and tries to be dedicated to his hot blonde fiancé but “settles” for a super-hot Latina…all while driving a nice car. Has a twangy southern accent in the country-bumpkin town of San Francisco, CA. Standing behind his love interest in the movie poster (?!).

Dazed and Confused: Plays a 20-year-old who looks like a 30-something-year-old man. Likes younger, high school girls, which is fine because no one should believe in commitment when they’re 20 and/or live in the 70’s. Surrounds himself with goofy, sarcastic, stoned friends, as well as Adam Goldberg. Drives a 1970 Chevy Chevelle Super Sport and wears a Ted Nugent t-shirt. Has a twangy southern accent because OH MY GOD the movie is set in Texas. Doesn’t lean on anyone but is definitely L-I-V-I-N.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Craigslist Chronicles: Missed Connections

Craigslist personals are my guiltiest of guilty pleasures. I can’t get enough. Sometimes I hear ridiculousness on the news and think, “There’s no way there are people out there that are actually that strange” but then I read some of the absurdity on Craigslist and I say, “Just kidding.”

I’m not ashamed to declare that my hands-down favorite personals section is Missed Connections. In the olden days of 1995, people would write notes on old receipts and stick them on windshields in Home Depot parking lots hoping to foster some romance.
Hey Hottie, lookin’ good in those high-waisted jeans. You are too pretty to be carryin’ that hose all by yourself, how about you give me a call and we discover the secret garden together?
Love, Rick
Now, all Rick has to do is post a similar note up on the internet and hope and pray that Hottie is as desperate as he is. THIS IS LOVE IN THE NEW MILLENIUM, PEOPLE.
I used to just mess around on Craigslist for fun with my roommates, reading the creepy messages in appropriately creepy voices and spending ten minutes arguing about who should respond, only deciding in the end that thanks-but-no-thanks we were all too busy for rape that night. Then one fateful afternoon, I was casually reading through and came upon a message that fueled an entirely new obsession:
Dear Waitress, Sorry my friends n I were so loud and obnoctshus last night. LOLZ. We all agreed that u were really cool n hot, especially with those big blue eyes n blonde hair. U looked great in ur short denim shorts. LOLZ. I’d love to hang sometime. Msg me if u see this.
This was about one of my roommates.

I was positive.
I texted her immediately and told her that she had found love in a hopeless place and asked if their first child’s name would be spelled “Hayley” or “Heighleah.” For whatever reason, she was not amused or interested in this character, which is her loss because clearly he’s going places. However, I now knew that Craigslist encounters could be real, and thus Detective Skylar was one the prowl.
Louisville Missed Connections were interesting, but the Northern Virginia ones are where it’s at. NoVA is by no means a small place, but you can go to a Target 40 miles away from where you grew up and still see your soccer coach from when you were eight. Nowhere is safe.  Naiveté would lead me to believe that “Strbcks Jenny” couldn’t possibly be the girl in my ninth grade biology class, but optimism reminds me that there’s a chance, and compassion wants her to find and marry the tall black man with beautiful green eyes who ordered a venti, non-fat, no foam, no water, six pump, extra hot chai tea latte.
Could “Costco Hot Blonde Mom” be my next door neighbor? Did I teach dance to the daughters of the “MILFs of South Riding”? Is the guy pining after his ex-wife of 15 years seeking therapy, or is he also the one posting about a discrete NSA lunchtime affair in Casual Encounters?  I am riveted.
"SWM brown hair, fit, loves music"
I’d [probably] never respond to one of these ads for the sake of curiosity. I like pushing the envelope for my own entertainment, but if it comes down to seeing if Brian from Loudoun is really referring to me when he says he saw a petite brunette at Walgreens who looked like Denise Richards (flattery gets you nowhere, Brian) or having my bones made into wind chimes, I’d rather just sit in my sweatpants and Google new hobbies to take up.
That being said, I really hope “G” finds Teresa from Coastal Flats. He’s posted about her like five times in the past ten days and I really think there's something there.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Thrust into the Real World: Month 8

This month I began to seriously consider getting my first tattoo.
This is surprising for several reasons:

1.      I have a very low pain tolerance. When the dentist novocaines me and then asks if I “felt that pinch,” I always say yes, even if I didn’t, just to be on the safe side. I’ve made it perfectly clear that when I get my wisdom teeth out I want to be put into a medically-induced coma for at least three days, because I want nothing to do with that entire procedure.

2.      I’ve always said that in this day and age, it’s more unique to be tattoo-less than inked up, and we all know how much I like to go against the grain.

3.      This guy took my original idea, and how do you top that?
The quote I’m considering has always been a favorite of mine, and definitely conveys exactly what it is that I do every time I sit down to compose something for you lovely people. Whether it’s something a little more somber or absolutely preposterous, the words you’re reading are a window straight into this awkwardly-shaped head of mine. Regardless of if you find me entertaining or not (shut up, you totally do), you should feel very lucky because I’d sooner ramble on for three hours about the pros and cons of owning a Perfect Meatloaf Pan than share my emotions.
Let’s break down my idea:
Placement: It’s a toss-up between inner forearm or on my fingers. Some of you might think the wrist is very cliché, but A) screw you and B) I use my hands to write with, where else is it gonna go? Go admire the fairy on your foot and never talk to me again.
Quote: “There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.” –Red Smith
I have dwarf arms and baby fingers so the probability of this whole thing fitting anywhere comfortably is slim to none. Therefore, I’d probably shorten it to just “open a vein.”
Color: Red.
Detail: This is where I’m most indecisive.
If I put it anywhere near my wrist, I want the words to be followed by a quill or fountain pen “cutting” the skin with a little blood dripping. I know this sounds morbid, but it also sounds fucking awesome, and we all know that I’m about as suicidal as a pig in a peach orchard so relax, this isn't a cry for help.
If I put it on my fingers, the fountain pen (outlined in black) would run the length of my middle finger and the words (in red) would be inside the handle.
One option is obviously a little more discreet than the other, but the cool factor beats camouflaging it for job interviews every time, so you can imagine which one I’m leaning towards.
If anyone wants to illustrate these ideas out and send them my way I’d be more than grateful; I still draw the same way I did when I was in 3rd grade so obviously my attempts haven’t completely convinced me yet.
Also, any feedback on whether this sounds legitimately cool or just Skylar cool would be wonderful. I once thought a short spikey pixie cut would look really good on me. Guess which “cool” that was?

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Five Phrases We Should All Let Go

I believe that every word that comes out of a person’s mouth should have emphatic significance (see what I did there?).
Whoever introduced synonyms to me in elementary school should be kissed by someone who knows how and promptly bought Chipotle. I love to talk, I love to force others to listen to me speak, and the sole reason I abstain from smoking cigs is because I’m terrified I’d have to get a tracheotomy and my sweet sweet voice would be replaced by robot sounds.
As far as I’m concerned, language is a privilege, and my love for it is consistently ruined by people who pollute the air with god-awful catch phrases and misspelling of the word “congratulations” (there is no D. Stop it). Below are the five phrases that I think we should all agree to retire.
1.       “That’s all.” Typically used when someone makes an opinionated statement about something that they’d rather not have disputed.
Ex: “The University of Louisville is the best at everything. That’s all.” (p.s. SHOUT OUT TO THE SUGAR BOWL WINNERS HEYYYYYY)
Can also be used when something weird/out of the ordinary has happened and a person wants to play it all nonchalant.
Ex: “I was just told I have the potential musculature appropriate for a career in female body building. That’s all.”
Why it bothers me: It’s used totally hypocritically. If you tell me, “Fuck you. That’s all,” that is definitely NOT ALL and there’s about to be a (what?) girl fight.
2.       “Epic.” Typically used when someone wants an event to sound much more impressive than it actually was.
Ex: “Dude last night was so epic. Tyler puked in a girl’s hair and then helped her clean it out; Chris snuck into the DJ booth and played like four Hootie and the Blowfish songs; we went to McDonald’s and John ate his fries with mustard; and then I DD’d everyone. Fuckin wild night, bro.”
Why it bothers me: People have actually told me stories like the one above. I feel bad for them. Epically bad for them.
3.       “Fail.” Typically used when someone doesn’t go out on a Saturday night because they’re too busy looking up memes on (what else?) FAILblog.
Why it bothers me: The grammar Nazi in me can’t get past the obvious fragment going on here, and anyone I’ve ever met who uses “fail” in everyday conversation is incredibly annoying so it’s the associative property at its finest.
Why it really bothers me: People usually use “epic” and “fail” together. I can’t even…
4.       “Is this real life?” Typically used when someone is easily entertained.
Ex: “It took me less than thirty minutes to straighten my hair. Is this real life?”
Why it bothers me: All it took was a drugged up child with two fingers who thought this was going to be forever to start this phenomenon. My friends are drugged up all the time and it’s never even made a blip on the pop culture radar….UNTIL NOW:

5.       “Mind blown.” Typically used when someone realizes something that the rest of society figured out a long time ago.
Ex: “Just found out that Fez's name on That 70's Show stood for Foreign Exchange Student. MIND BLOWN.”
Like Facebook, Google, and speakerphone, our parents will revive this phrase about 5-20 years after it’s worn out its welcome with the rest of our vocabularies.
Ex: “My microwave has a Popcorn button. MIND BLOWN.”
Why it bothers me: I’m just a really huge know-it-all and nothing fazes me.