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Monday, January 2, 2017

New Years Resolutions...for Other People

I have a lot to work on. 

Fortunately, none of these things will make it into the public space for multiple reasons. 1) Everyone is already inundated with "New Year, New Me!" posts on their Facebook timeline from the health and fitness blogger du jour, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't get fat over the holidays, so I'm good. 2) Gauging by how far I make it through others' inspirational posts about their struggles, no one would tune in for very long should I choose to flip the script and be serious for once. 3) I prefer that everyone operate under the impression that I'm fantastic and they're peasants.

Although I won't be divulging the personal changes I hope to make in 2017, you can guarantee I have plenty to tweak about other people in my life! Aren't you all lucky?!

Start Taking Vitamin C Supplements - Dear Person Who Has a Chronic Cold at Work: get your shit together. You are an adult with adult children, therefore you do not have the luxury of the excuse that your home is an incubator for germs brought home by a kindergartner. Your weak immune system is confounding, as I am aware that you sustain yourself solely on salads and green tea. I simply do not understand how you're always sick. Even in the summertime. What is the matter with you. Fuck. 

Buy an iPhone 7 - My favorite part about other people going to concerts is that they Snapchat the entire show with poor sound quality and even poorer camera control. No one wants to watch you watch Garth Brooks from the nosebleeds with your boyfriend's off-key singing interspersed with drunken "WOO GARTH YEAH!"'s wailing in the background. Get yourself a new iPhone so within 5 minutes of starting a video, your battery will drop from 60% to 2%, saving us all the headache.

Practice Saying, "No Thanks" - Do I want to get tapas and then go to a douchey bro bar in Murray Hill strictly for its entertainment value on a Friday night? Sometimes. Do I realize this is a tough sell? Absolutely. The friends that will tell me straight up, "I hate that godforsaken neighborhood and the overgrown frat bro's that reside there" are immediately at the top of my list, because they're honest and shoot me down promptly. The ones who conveniently don't receive my text until 9:45 pm, respond with, "For sure I'll let you know!" and then follow up four days later with, "Omg my night got so insane, sorry I missed you" can rot in hell. Bitch, it's Tuesday, I'm a busy adult and I've moved on. However, please note that I'm also petty and will not invite you to anything ever again. 

Make Fun of Your Child - Kids are everything I enjoy: chubby, uncensored, curious, and wobbly. Don't try to pretend that they're not. If you've given me the Hallmark Channel version of the monthly update of Avery's life, you can bet your awkwardly-posed photo shoot that you've been blocked from my social media feeds. Those that document when their kid insists on dressing up like Frankenstein from Big Daddy or giggles at curse words they don't know the meaning of are my favorite, because that's real life and real parenting. 

Forget Pescetarianism: Go Full Vegan - Sometimes, people like to microwave salmon in an office environment, or overcook sea bass in an apartment setting. These people are assholes. If you are one of these people, understand that you are not only bastardizing the culinary process but are also tormenting the senses of smell of everyone around you. Fish odor isn't bottled by Dior for a reason, and if you can't cook a filet correctly and eat it responsibly (alone, in a well-ventilated area, in a building that is yours), then you can't eat it at all. Poseidon says so.   

Savor Your Alone Time - It is not my fault that you're single and I'm not. If we're hanging out and my boyfriend texts me or I drop his name in conversation and you groan about how you're sick of being "alone," you have exactly two options: 1) Kick me out of your apartment, shower, and get out in the world to prowl around for a future mate or 2) Fucking relax and we can continue eating pizza. Desperate people who wear their desperation on their sleeve decrease their chances of attracting a lifelong partner by 64%. I have no idea if that figure (or even that statement) is remotely accurate, but if it made you realize that you need to get over yourself slash stop getting under other people in an effort to secure a long-term girlfriend/boyfriend, then take it as the gospel. Being single is fine. Worry about literally anything else. 

Establish a Stringent Hair Care Schedule - BSpears. Britney. Brit Brit. In the name of everything that is holy, fire your hair stylist. A person with a net worth of nearly $200 million should not step out of the house with such an atrocious display of acrylic extensions haphazardly whip-stitched onto their head. Either get yourself a great wig and a solid grip band, or let your mane flow free for a while as you execute every healthy habit possible to keep you from looking like trailer trash. We'll be ten years removed from 2007 this year, my dear, let's act like it.