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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

What My Grandma Thinks of Your Thanksgiving Outfit

Last Thanksgiving I had a very enlightening conversation with my cousin about who my grandma's "favorite" grandchild was. I thought I had it in the bag since my brothers and other cousins have all committed some kind of heinous act (tattoos, blue hair, living in sin, general sassiness, etc.) to get them written out of the will, while yours truly is an angel whom she adores through and through.

Apparently, I was wrong.

My cousin matter-of-factly informed me that my grandma was NOT my biggest fan because I wear "booty shorts." It should be noted that she lives at the beach and we primarily visit during the summer, so shorts are the obvious choice, and to be quite frank the woman should be thankful I'm wearing pants at all. But it disturbed me nonetheless.

You see, I could read between the lines: In Grandma language, "Skylar wears booty shorts" roughly translates to "My granddaughter is a massive whore." Completely false! Size medium shorts may be the acceptable length but they're too big in the waist! It's the issue that has and will plague me for life! Grandma, understand!

Needless to say, I am not a massive whore, and I also now stick to a strict below-the-knee, above-the-collar-bone wardrobe mentality when around my grandma. I recommend you do the same, unless you'd like to be bombarded by passive aggression and comments like, "Well would you look at that" and, "Oh."

Here's what you can expect to hear should you wear one of these outfits to Thanksgiving dinner with my grandmother:

"Are those pants your mother's?"
"No, they're mine."
"Your mom had some like that in the seventies."
"Oh rea-"
"I didn't like them at all."

"You look so nice! You look just like your grandpa!"
*Ten minutes of uncomfortable crying*
(Repeat every hour on the hour)

"Are you going to change before dinner?"
"Nah, it's just our family so I thought I'd be comfy."
"Mmhmm..................................Have you found a job yet?"

"You know, Betty Crawford's granddaughter is about your age and she works as a marketing analyst in Chicago! You live in a city too! So much in common."
"Are you cold?"
"Are you wearing a scarf because you're cold?"
"It's ALWAYS SO COLD in this house!"
"So...is your special friend coming to dinner?"
"I'm single."
"But, you know, your special friend...?"
"Grandma I'm not seeing anyone right now."
"All of your fancy, special friends..."
"Are you asking if I'm gay?"
--Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Love and Order CVU: Creeper Victim's Unit - Justin Bobby

In the Serial Dating System, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the bros who do creepy shit and the ladies who have to text their friends, "SAVE MEEE." These are their stories.

I was walking to the bus stop one day when a guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He seemed very indie and mysterious, so of course I immediately dubbed him Justin Bobby a la The Hills.

Justin Bobby got my number and asked me to meet him after class for dinner two days later. I told him I was a vegetarian (lie) but he took me to a Mexican restaurant that had little-to-no vegetarian options. Thanksss...

He proceeded to tell me that he strongly believes in reincarnation and that people had "past lives." He believed that he was a lonesome cowboy in the past life, possibly like Jesse James. He thought I was a quilt maker. When I commented that my past life sucked, he went into detail explaining how cowboys needed quilts for under their saddles, and he was certain he and I had met before. Apparently, I had made him a quilt for his saddle and I was essentially meant to help him in this life.

Needless to say that date was cut short and his number was deleted ASAP.

--Crafty Audrina Patridge