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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

How to Name Your Baby

I have several friends who are in the baby-making business at the moment, which I’m really happy about because A) I love the infant clothing section at Target and B) I have really attractive friends so finally this world will be repopulated with some hotties. Who knew bumpin’ uglies could produce such a beautiful result? Irony.

Assuming that they’ve got the actual “procedure” under control, I’d like to move on to the most important decision a parent can make for their new child: making their grade-school roll-call experience a living hell. After examining several naming trends over the past few years and teaching dance to toddlers, I feel that’s the only logical explanation for some of the absurd names I’m forced to pronounce and pretend are “unique” but also 100 percent socially acceptable.
Not sure what to name your impending bundle of joy? Follow these tips:
#1 I before Y: The letter Y has had its moment in the spotlight. You will very rarely find a SallY or AbbY or BradY anymore, but quite honestly, just changing the Y to an I is so 2001, so today’s parents have decided to get drunk and draw letters out of a hat in order to decide on an original name spelling. The consequence outcome? Vironyka. Jaiydin. Alycksandrya. Basically, you want your son/daughter to be in the next Star Wars movie, because no one on this planet can say those names right on the first try.
I mean technically it's the best choice...
#2 Legos: Remember in second grade when we learned about compound words? News + paper = newspaper. Lady + bug = ladybug. The same principle can be used for your baby too, if you, ya know, hate them. If you like the name Rylie but your significant other likes the name Sadie? Settling for a name like Elizabeth is unnecessary. Call her Raydie instead! You can argue that she lights up your life like a ray of sunshine but all the rest of us can think about is that she is an effective killer of roaches and ants. Preh-shuss.
#3 “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!”: For those that are super in touch with nature (like, in touch enough to be growing some nature in their basement under a blacklight), environmentally friendly names are totally a thing. Apple, August, Violet, River, Luna, Chrysanthemum – they all guarantee that your new baby is on the fast track to having dreads and becoming the next Double Rainbow guy.
#4 Super Villains: If you want everyone to know just how badass of a kid you have before they even have the wherewithal to identify their own foot, name it something menacing. Blaise, Maximus, Alpheus –who would mess with that baby in the sandbox? It should go without saying that you’re now obligated to give your youngin a mohawk the second they have more than three strands of hair, and should dress them up as Bane for Halloween.
#5 Backwards man, Backwards man: Nevaeh. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Kimye has set the standard for making your child the laughing stock of their elementary school. It’s up to the rest of us to blow North [West] out of the water and make legal name-changing the new trend of the year 2031. Can’t wait to meet little Aubryannelliera!

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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

How to Play Fat or Pregnant

I would say that about 96 percent of the time I’m a genuinely kindhearted person. I’m not Mother Theresa by any means, but I tip generously at restaurants, enjoy the sound a child makes when they’re running through a sprinkler, get excessive joy out of buying people Christmas presents, and apologize to road kill when I drive by even though it wasn’t my doing.
The other four percent of the time, I’m either sleeping or out socializing, and the real fun begins. Life is full of free entertainment, and one of my favorite people-watching games to play is a gem called Fat or Pregnant.
FOP originated five years ago while attending one of my first-ever college parties. Fascinated by the debauchery surrounding me, I was experiencing firsthand the realness of, “What’s your major?” used as a pick-up line and girls that were well-versed in the Freshman 15.
“Holy shit,” Young Skylar thought, “I had no idea fupas existed before age 40!”
What is even happening.
I inquired with a fellow party-goer as to whether or not a girl passing by was six beers in or six months along, and thus, FOP was born.  
Luckily, the corrupt good times didn’t end after graduation. It’s actually even more fun to play FOP post-college, because you can set up some pretty hefty wagers since the chances of the woman at The Greene Turtle at 1 a.m. on a Thursday seriously having a bun in the oven are that much greater.
Here’s how to play Fat or Pregnant, aka The Game to End All Games. Word of advice: don’t let anyone hear you making your guesses, as a knocked up woman can get pretty feisty, especially when she’s four Liquid Cocaines deep.
Step 1: Pick your target. The ideal candidate is wearing low-rise Miss Me jeans one size too small with a cami held together by loose threads and the will of God. There will be enough stomach protrusion to cause you to question the possibilities at stake, but not enough to make it obvious that Janelle from “Teen Mom” is her spirit animal. She will definitely try to break it down on the dance floor, most likely to a song by Pit Bull.
Step 2: Place your bet. Make sure you’re playing alongside someone who’s aware of the game and who lacks morals, or else it’s no fun. “Cami chick: Fat or Pregnant?” (Don’t point, you’re better than that). Weigh all of the options carefully. Ex: Is it a food baby? Did she have a big lunch? Does the belly look like the result of a cheat day that went on for five years or a girl who didn’t read her Plan B instructions carefully? Does her hair look thick and her nails strong? Is there ketchup on the corners of her mouth? Etc.
Step 3: Investigate. No, this doesn’t mean straight up scream across the room, “HEY GIRL BRIELLA IS THE TRENDIEST BABY NAME OF 2013 JUST A THOUGHT!” Discretion is key. Observe her behaviors: if she seems embarrassed by the fact that she’s drinking beer in public and copes with the shame by drinking more beer in public, chances are she’s knocked up. If she’s a Woo Girl who’s grinding up on your boyfriend and displaying her stretch-marked boobs as if she was the Venus de Milo, you’ve just got someone on your hands who used to be thin and has taken up a taste for Kalteen bars. It’s not her fault, but it’s not yours either, so play on.
Step 4: Repeat. FOP is like The Song that Doesn’t End on “Lamb Chop;” it just goes on and on my friends. And if you started playing it not knowing what it was, you’ll continue playing it forever just because you’re a quasi-bitch whose personal code of ethics is a bit suspect.

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Monday, June 10, 2013

Gotcha Bitch: How Do I Put This Gently?

Looking for the best way to communicate your current emotional state of being or show off an inside joke with your best friend?

Use GIFs.
Side note: how are we supposed to pronounce this again? I've been saying "gif" forever but I recently heard someone say "jif" and now I'm stressed.

One GIF-centric blog that I view pretty regularly is #WhatShouldWeCallMe. Between her affinity for eating, publically embarrassing herself, and scoring free drinks from male strangers, I feel like that girl and I would get along just swimmingly.

Unfortunately with every demonstration of hilarity, there is a person who tries to get in on the action and copy the idea, usually to a much less successful (and even less funny) degree. This is the case with How Do I Put This Gently?.

This girl's blog description currently reads, "Just a semi-functioning individual navigating higher education with a cocktail in her hand and a tendency to embarrass herself." However, it once said something along the lines of, "I love '#WhatShouldWeCallMe' and hope to one day be as funny as her." AKA she admits to being a copycat. Strike one.

Strike two is the fact that she is nowhere near as witty as #WSWCM and would probably be the "friend" present at girls' night who doesn't understand that, no, we're not not laughing because we didn't hear you tell your "hilarious" story four times, it's because it's not funny and you were only invited because you'll more than likely get wasted and pay for everyone's cab ride home.

See for yourself: the two post the same GIFs all the time, yet who seems to come out on top in terms of originality and genuine comedic prowess? If you're gonna be an imposter, be a good one, that's all I'm sayin.

#WSWCM: "When I hear something I'm obsessed with mentioned in someone else's conversation"
HDIPTG: "When I hear my crush is newly single"
#WSWCM: "When I actually take the time to read someone's political rant on Facebook"
HDIPTG: "When the teacher requires the class to buy an unnecessary textbook"
#WSWCM: "When someone pretends they want to talk but really just want my place in line"
HDIPTG: "When a creepy guy gets too close to me at the bar"
#WSWCM: "Walking back to my seat after putting the correct answer on the board"
HDIPTG: "How I feel after I come back from the gym"
#WSWCM: "When I start to feel the shot I just took"
HDIPTG: "Only two more days until the weekend"
#WSWCM: "When I think about anything I wore during freshman year of college"
HDIPTG: "When asked about my ex"
#WSWCM: "When I found out how much I owe in taxes"
HDIPTG: "Getting on the scale after the weekend"
#WSWCM: "When sunlight starts to peek into my window"
HDIPTG: "If my brain could talk right now"

Overall, my main issue is that #WSWCM girl can make a decent joke, while the other chick just chooses a GIF and then states the obvious.
Should I care about this nearly as much as I do? No. But my life has been going pretty fucking awesome lately so this is all I've got. Deuces.

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Monday, June 3, 2013

Birthday Gift Guide 2013

As you all are probably aware, my birthday is in a week.
Don’t panic, everything is fine; you still have time to set up a lavish get-together with 1,012 of my closest Facebook friends. I promise to act completely surprised when the Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage arrives at my door to bring me to a romantic, table-cloth-clad dinner at White Castle—or if you’re really trying to woo me, Arby’s (basically anywhere that makes stellar mozzarella sticks).

Love you
Dinner’s over and it’s present time. Tickets to a Kip Moore concert? You shouldn’t have!

No really. You shouldn’t have. We’ll let it slide this time, but had you followed the list below, you might not have to live in fear that I’ll be getting you back on your birthday with a photo album of everything my friends have eaten for dinner over the past six months, courtesy of Instagram.

Here is the Skylar Birthday Gift Guide 2013. Links included for your convenience!

FoodSaver V3880 Vacuum Sealer - The Master Chef Kit ($183) – I have a sick obsession with anything infomercial-related. The As Seen on TV store is my heaven. I already own a Magic Bullet, a PedEgg, a Stretch Genie, and a Quick Chop, but the FoodSaver would really put my collection over the edge. Have you ever used one of these things? It’s fucking magic. We have one at the winery I work at, and the amount of satisfaction I get out of watching all of the air get sucked out of salami and cheddar cheese is wonderfully embarrassing. I want to vacuum seal everything I own. I would vacuum seal my dog (neck down) if PETA wouldn’t come find me. Please make my dreams come true.

Virginia AND/OR Kentucky Home T ($25) – These are the only two places in my life so far that I have felt completely at ease. Virginia is home to my parents, my best friend and Wegman’s Chocolate Chip Muffins. Kentucky is home to my other best friends, the best school in the entire world, and the version of myself who pronounces fine “fahn.” I will accept both of these shirts and wear them interchangeably so as not to offend either location.

Jaguar Hood Ornament Replacement ($52.50) – Someone who wanted to do hoodrat stuff with their friends jacked my leaping emblem of glory right off of Nigel’s face last year, completely depleting him of any and all dignity. If you know how to reattach one of these babies that would be ideal, as I…don’t. But really, who steals hood ornaments?

Buddy Bounce Outdoor Play Ball (2 for $34.98 each) – Who doesn’t want these? They’d be the be-all-end-all to any confrontation I’ll ever have for the rest of my life. Roommate ate my Cheesecake Factory leftovers? Co-worker made me look bad in front of my boss? Boyfriend comes home smelling like Britney Spears Curious and Fruit Punch Burnetts? Break out the Buddy Bounces and let’s solve this the real way. A welcome alternative would be Sock ‘Em Boppers.

Vino2Go XL Wine Sippy Cup ($16.99) – I am a classy woman on the go. I also have a newfound appreciation for reds. Pouring my Cab into an empty Dasani bottle en route to the pregame seems a bit uncouth, but spills are even more so, and that’s where this nifty little number comes in. It holds 12 ounces and comes in a variety of colors, and I swear I’d keep my pinky up through every sip slash gulp.

An e-mail from a magazine offering me a job (priceless) – Seriously. This is all I want. I thrive in a fast-paced environment, expertly meet deadlines and have a sharp wit inspired by Phyllis Diller and Chelsea Handler. I will stop cut back on cursing in my writing if that’s the main issue. My resume is hotter and readier than a cheese pizza.

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