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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. --Woody Allen

Thanksgiving is upon us, and I’d like to take a few minutes out of my hectic schedule of procrastinating and looking at PostSecret to actually throw some appreciation up to the universe for making my life remarkably awesome.

I’m thankful forrrr….
·    My hair and how it hasn’t turned out completely god-awful from any of the handful of at-home highlighting sessions I’ve conducted in my quest to go blonde. Things haven’t been perfect, but I don’t look like one of the skanky skunks I so openly despise, so I think it deserves a high five.
·    Hypochondria for allowing me to realize when I’m actually sick, and when I’m just feeling weird. A trip to WebMD has me convinced that I’m dying of scarlet fever even though it is far and beyond 1905, and I know my days are numbered. After I finally get around to medicating myself, it turns out I just need to spend the day in bed with a gallon of orange juice. Oh Overreaction, you son of a gun.
·    Chopped on the Food Network. Watching it as obsessively as I do always makes me hungry, and then I tend to binge on such gourmet combinations as a red pepper and tomato omelette, half a tub of spinach and artichoke hummus, snickerdoodle dough, and a four month old fortune cookie. After I sit back on the couch, stuffed and Googling the benefits of bulimia, I remember that I’m lucky to have food to eat at all, and I let it settle into my lovehandles out of sheer gratitude.
·    Wanton Judgment. No, I don’t mean having a biased opinion about a dumpling stuffed with pork and shrimp, seasoned with ginger and soy sauce. That would be wonton judgment, and sounds delicious. The fact that a person can wear makeup and blow dry their hair every day and then intelligently contribute to the class discussion about sixteenth century British literature seems to be a difficult concept for some people to grasp. I could retaliate and come to conclusions about someone else’s literary aptitude based on their appearance, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll be happy about the fact that I earn my good grades despite the creepy flirty winks that professors throw my way, and I’ll hope that Judge Judy in the front row enjoys hanging out with her four ferrets this Saturday night.  
·    The words judgment, exercise, and knowledge. It’s humbling to know that after seventeen years of memorizing the alphabet, I can still trip up on some words. The fact that you never stop learning is really a godsend – maybe I’ll finally master how to spell these by the time I’m 70. (While we’re at it, I’m also thankful for Spell Check.)
·    Rain. I’m not a huge fan of what it does to my hair or the fact that it makes people drive like they had a stroke as soon as they merged onto the highway, but I get to pull out my silver Hunter rain boots, and the rest of the day I feel like the Tin Man.
·    Awkward encounters. It’s really quite the test of character when the girl who “secretly” hooked up with the guy you were talking to stands behind you in the Forever 21 checkout line and you’re forced to have a civilized conversation with her without mentioning the fact that she’s a devious slut. Being the bigger person is so satisfying.
·    Drunk Skylar. Not only does she clean up Regular Skylar’s room at three in the morning, she also takes the initiative in washing off the night’s makeup so raccoon eyes don’t occur, deleting any potentially embarrassing text messages, and forgetting to set alarms for things that Regular Skylar really didn’t want to do anyway.
·    Adele’s Someone Like You coming on the radio as I drive alone. During this time, I get the opportunity to belt the lyrics while bawling my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself for no particular reason, and by the time I pull up to my apartment I feel loads better and no one had to witness my ridiculous behavior.
·    Flickering lights. Sure, it might be a sign that my lightbulb is about to burn out (and thus will be burnt out for the rest of the year because I’m too cheap to buy a new one), but I like to think it’s my grandpa checking in on me and trying to be funny. As long as he sticks to silly things it’s not creepy.
·    In-car GPS systems. Being directionally challenged, there is no modern invention I love more than this. I am very honest about the fact that I get lost on just about every journey I go on, and since no one in their right mind can legitimately read a road map, GPS is my go-to. Right down to the condescending way it scoffs, “Recalculating” as I defiantly go the way I think is better, I could not get through a day without that baby. 
·    People who have their lives after graduation more or less figured out. I don’t, and your proactivity has terrified me into believing I’ll be working at the Pillow Pet kiosk at the mall for the next twenty years. Therefore, I’ve finally gotten on the job-application ball and am attempting to plan my future.  
·    Skype for allowing me to see my beautiful best friends whenever I please even though we’re hundreds of miles apart. The fact that I can provide visuals to explain my most recent bout of foolishness is a lot better than forcing them to imagine it themselves. I’m afraid of what they’d come up with.  
·    Whoever left the inky black pen in the study room I’m currently sitting in at the library. I lose my pens all the time, and this one makes my handwriting look awesome. And by handwriting I mean the umpteen doodle hearts I just wrote in the margin of my Ethics notes.

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