A Christmas Letter from THAT Family

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s us! The family you love to hate.

We hope everyone had a wonderful 2011. You didn’t? Bummer! Feel free to compare your worthless life to our fabulous one filled with achievement and positivity!

Read about our incredible children! They’re already more accomplished than you’ll ever be!

Lindsay is a junior at her wildly expensive private high school. She is a champion fencer, president of the chemical engineering club, volunteers for Habitat for Humanity, and still finds time to tutor that boy with Autism that lives down the street. If she didn’t get straight A’s we’d beat her! Just kidding, ha ha, we’d just passive aggressively verbally abuse her into success instead. All of her activities will inevitably get her a full-ride scholarship to whichever college she chooses, but that doesn’t matter, because we’ve been breeding her to become a Yale Bulldog since birth. Join the military? Fat chance, Lindsay! If you’ve already forgotten about any of the achievements listed above, don’t worry, we’ll remind you all over again when we bump into you at the grocery store in two months.

We are going to tell you that Connor is taking a semester off from his sophomore year at Pepperdine to travel to Thailand to teach orphaned children their ABC’s, but really, he has a massive cocaine addiction and was secretly shipped off to Sunrise Detox Center in Florida back in October. He used to play point guard for Pepperdine and used to be Vice President of the Sigma Chi Fraternity and used to date a girl that we were positive he was going to get married to and produce children-that-look-like-Ralph-Lauren-models with, but instead, his hair is down to his shoulders and his sense of smell is shot to heck. We had to Photoshop his face from a year and a half ago onto the picture we enclosed because if you saw him now you’d think he was homeless and that we were bad parents. The latter part of that statement is what really bothers us. See you in six months Connor! We’ll love you more when you stop bringing shame to the family!

Stephanie is our pride and joy. Stephanie is flawless. If we weren’t so overwhelmingly religious, Stephanie would be our Jesus. She is a senior at Vassar double majoring in neuroscience and Ancient Greek language and literature. She is a member of the Equestrian Club, a leader in the college’s organization to prevent child abuse, and a producer for WVKR (the Vassar radio station). We have left out that she is also a member of the group that advocates legal equality for the LGBTQ community because we don’t want anyone assuming she’s a lesbian. She’s not! We dodged that bullet by threatening to stop paying her tuition. On top of all that, Stephanie has two jobs that she doesn’t need but insists on having to pad her resume. Stephanie is naturally thin and has perfect hair that always looks professionally done. Even when she wakes up! It’s completely unfair to the rest of the female race! She’s probably going to cure cancer in five years and/or single-handedly lead a revival of Latin as the prominent spoken language on Earth. If you hear us refer to ourselves as “Stephanie” at any point in time, it’s okay, we’re just trying to live vicariously through her.  

Dave is still a financial advisor and is doing extremely well. Like, way way better than you do. Like, his salary is triple what yours’ is. Isn’t that wonderful?! I did not marry him for his money. We are just very blessed. And by “we” I mean “me.” I keep busy walking our two pure-bred German Shepherds and dabbling in interior design.

We hope you all keep the Christ in Christmas and have a joyous New Year! And sorry that your invitation to our annual Christmas Party was never put got lost in the mail! It’s nothing personal! Okay, it is.