Bad to the Tone

Any 17-year-old emo high schooler with an asymmetrical haircut and angsty poetry scribbled in Sharpie on their Converses will tell you how powerful music is and how Saosin really communicates their pain. How much “pain” you have when you’re living in suburbia and your parents bought you a brand new Ford Focus for your birthday is beyond me, but that’s neither here nor there. What I’m getting at is, people like to connect to music, and will find any nuance in a song to cling to because, really, how else are we going to know how to feel if Adele doesn’t belt it out for us? We empathize with these songs because they strike a certain personal cord and we see a direct, realistic correlation between the lyrics and our everyday lives.

Then again, some songs are just absurd.

I can imagine myself acting out the lyrics to the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” and Christina Aguilera’s “Genie in a Bottle” without much negative consequence, simply because these songs have a plausible storyline. Other songs, regardless of catchiness and overall sing-a-long-ability, are just too ridiculous to pass the test of probability. The connection between how the song sounds and what the song says is extremely important, and while the songs below are addictive musically, lyrically…dat shit cray. Let me know if you agree that if these songs were actually lived up to, the effect would be completely different than what was intended.   

Aaliyah’s “Come Over” – Aaliyah is easily one of my favorite artists of all time, and I’m not just saying that to seem sensitive and compassionate because she’s dead. Ridiculous voice, incredible songs, love her love her love her. “Are You That Somebody” and “We Need a Resolution” are classics and are jam-worthy any second of the day. Unfortunately, I get a little distracted when listening to “Can I Come Over.” It’s just…creepy. For the record, I’ve never actually used this tactic to see someone, mostly because people usually ask me to come hang out before I’d ever have to invite myself (I’m irresistible, what can I say). But stepping off a plane and immediately calling someone, begging to bang them is not sexy or enticing or even justifiable – it’s desperate. This is the theme song for every clingy girl that’s ever walked the planet and doesn’t get the hint that a guy may find having sexual intercourse with them to be a pleasurable experience but only at his convenience. Two in the morning? You’re just “wantin’ to hold [him], embrace [him], want to guide [him],” etc. etc.? Child please. Even if he does agree to let you stop by, he’s totally going to pretend to be asleep the next morning until you show yourself out. Have a little self-respect and demonstrate some assertiveness by jumping off that plane and demanding that he meet you at your house. Until then, maintain some dignity and just drive home.   

Maroon 5’s “Wake Up Call” – There probably isn’t any worse feeling than walking in on your significant other doing the dirty with someone that isn’t you. I wouldn’t know, because when people done do me wrong, they typically have the courtesy to be extremely sneaky about it and I don’t find out until three months after the fact. Chivalry isn’t dead! While I can admit that I’ve wondered how I would react under such circumstances, my talent for saying extremely offensive things when pissed off would be about as violent and hurtful as I’d get. In short, I could never shoot a person. If I could, I definitely wouldn’t waste the bullet on the “innocent” party in the whole sexcapade. Why on earth is Adam Levine wasting his time on the manwhore his girlfriend is boning on the side when he should be offing her? She knew what [and who] she was[n’t] doing! It’s like when a guy cheats on a girl and the girlfriend gets mad at the guy but then spreads terrible rumors about the girl, too. Sure, she may have been a slut, but that skanky ho-bag could be completely unaware of what she was a part of. It’s better to spend your time (and your ammo) on the asshole who was intentionally trying to have his cake and eat it too. Really, Adam, you had to shoot him dead? Even if he didn’t die, he sure as hell “won’t come around here anymore” because his bootycall’s boyfriend is a Yosemite Sam lunatic! Either quietly walk out of the room and break up with her via text message or walk out of the room and into the arms of the girl you’ve secretly been hooking up with for two months. Win-win!

Taylor Swift’s “You Belong with Me” – There are few artists that bother me more than Taylor Swift. There are several reasons for this, best summarized by her appearance in Valentine’s Day, as well as my long withstanding belief that the reason she had no friends or boyfriends in high school was not because people were jealous of her fame, but because she was a fucking psycho. I am 97% positive that whatever poor male soul this song was written about would rather deal with an irrational girlfriend getting mad at him for calling fifteen minutes later when he said he’d call her in ten than Ms. Swift’s propensity toward falsely believing every boy she ever looked at was her soulmate. You’re listening to the type of music his girlfriend doesn’t like? Was it Tim McGraw? Not everyone’s a country fan, don’t be so close-minded. She goes on to say that she knows all of his favorite songs so clearly the friendship the two share is based largely off of music, and while that’s all fine and good, it takes a little more than a mutual appreciation for shitty guitar playing for love to occur. This song was written and released before Taylor had her borderline-statutory-rapelationship with John Mayer, so it’s safe to assume that she was dealing largely with the 17-and-under set. With that in mind, was it really that shocking that a high school boy would prefer a girl in a short skirt as opposed to a girl in a huge t-shirt? Honestly girl, even if he did see something in you, he’s dating the captain of the cheerleading squad, and no high school boy in his right mind is going to pass up that opportunity. Bow out gracefully before you pen another “masterpiece” about a guy that you won’t be able to look in the face for at least three years.

Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ‘Em Up Style” – This song has lawsuit written all over it. Anybody knows that I despise cheating and normally would advise serious retaliation against the guilty party, but only in a tell-every-girl-you-know-that-he-was-a-terrible-kisser kind of way. Racking up a hefty credit card bill while restocking your closet sounds fun in theory, but there’s probably no easier way to end up on Judge Judy than to fraudulently max out your (now ex-) boyfriend’s Visa. The added-on tagline of “(Oops!)” that goes along with this song does nothing to make me see Blu’s behavior as warranted; this was no accident. The fact that Soley and Mia didn’t try to talk some rationality into their friend before she sells everything the man owns is just downright irresponsible and I would really hope that they would face charges as well. Furthermore, Blu mentions that she “paid all the bills about a month too late.” Uh, hate to break it to you sweetheart, but if you’re really trying to stick it to your man you wouldn’t have paid the bills at all and then your next hit could have been titled, “Here Comes the Repo Man to Take All My Ex’s Possessions.” If you’re going to screw the guy over, don’t half-ass the job. And it looks like you and your friends have the scheming theft thing all figured out; please don’t “Hey Ladies!” me into joining.