I have one very simple, very specific Valentine's Day fantasy that, as of yet, no guy has ever been able to deliver on: I want to get dressed up, make reservations at White Castle, eat several orders of mozzarella sticks at their white-table-cloth-topped tables, and go home to watch The Wedding Singer. This is all. Naturally I'd accept dahlias and a five pound bag of M&M's in addition to this marinara-drizzled dream, but not as a substitute.
If you think I'm being "chill" or trying to come off as a "cool girl," you're absolutely wrong because I'm very aware of my neurosis and lesbihonest, I'll never be cool. This is my dream date. It's pathetic, but it's all I've got.
You know who is being "chill" and trying to be cool? The girls described below. Everyone knows that when a girl says, "You don't have to get me anything for Valentine's Day!" she's being a conniving little shrew and would rather have those ugly blue dyed carnations than cuddle in bed with her cardboard cut-out of James Franco for the fifth year in a row.
Watch out for these statements of straight up fiction:
"This girl would rather drink beer and watch the#Cards play, than get flowers and chocolate on #ValentinesDay"
"Dear All Of My Boyfriends,
Please don't send me presents all at once, I'm running out of room for all these flowers!
Sincerely,
Forever Alone"
"SO excited for #GalentinesDay. No boys allowed, just wine and Disney movies! Love eht."
"Why is everyone freaking out about Valentine's Day? It's just another day."
"The only Valentine a girl needs is her Daddy!"
If you think I'm being "chill" or trying to come off as a "cool girl," you're absolutely wrong because I'm very aware of my neurosis and lesbihonest, I'll never be cool. This is my dream date. It's pathetic, but it's all I've got.
You know who is being "chill" and trying to be cool? The girls described below. Everyone knows that when a girl says, "You don't have to get me anything for Valentine's Day!" she's being a conniving little shrew and would rather have those ugly blue dyed carnations than cuddle in bed with her cardboard cut-out of James Franco for the fifth year in a row.
Watch out for these statements of straight up fiction:
"This girl would rather drink beer and watch the
- Does your beer of choice taste like flavorless disappointment? Then you're probably drinking Heinekin. But it also might be laced with your tears. Every female likes chocolate; Girl Card revoked, traitor.
"Dear All Of My Boyfriends,
Please don't send me presents all at once, I'm running out of room for all these flowers!
Sincerely,
Forever Alone"
- Advertising your embarrassing sadness is a sure fire way to bag a Valentine for next year, keep that shit up.
"SO excited for #GalentinesDay. No boys allowed, just wine and Disney movies! Love eht."
- NO ONE WANTS TO BANG THE 25-YEAR-OLD WHO'S OBSESSED WITH CINDERELLA. YOUR LONELINESS IS NOT A MYSTERY.
"Why is everyone freaking out about Valentine's Day? It's just another day."
- It's on the calendar, your argument is invalid. Will tomorrow be another day when Walgreen's discounts candy by 50% and you fill your pantry with Reese's hearts? No, ma'am.
"The only Valentine a girl needs is her Daddy!"
- This Edible Arrangement tastes like incest.
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