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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Toto, We're Not on Trading Spaces Anymore...

My friends and I are moving into our new apartment this weekend. We have The Artistic One, The Hippie, and me, Girlicious (and I know they’re reading this right now and are surprised and perhaps a little confused by their new nicknames. Especially mine. Creative license muthafuckaaaaz), so naturally the aesthetic we’re going for is a smorgasbord of style that will randomly look good because hey, it’s better than white walls. I love our eclectic flair, and I could not be happier that this place is going to ooze our personality while looking lightyears better than your typical college-girl pad. That made me think about what is usually found in the apartments of our peers, and I realized that I want absolutely none of those things to appear on my walls or my coffee table. Come on ladies, spice up your lives. And a special shout-out to my roomies; thanks for being unusual in the best ways possible!

“Live Laugh Love” – This. Effing. Phrase. I understand the message it’s trying to convey, but I’ve seen it plastered on everything from picture frames to coasters to Facebook photo albums and it’s straight up overkill. I’m going to do those things anyway, I don’t need a wall decal to dictate my every move. You might as well hook a second expression below it that says “Blink Sneeze Gossip” because God forbid I forget to do my other favorite daily activities. Look, I get it; the sign was half-off at Target and you figured, “Oh my gahhh this will look totes adorb hanging over my sofa! I better buy four to place around the rest of the apartment so everyone knows that I am, in fact, existing, expressing amusement, and feeling affection for EVERYTHING!” Please just hang a Rage Against the Machine poster next to it to give yourself a smidgen of street cred.

French Memorabilia – I don’t mean to throw this in anyone’s face, but I’ve been to France before. Not Paris, mind you, but France nonetheless. Does this give me the right to cover every surface of my pad with the Eiffel Tower and the words “Ja t’aime”? No, it does not. I’m glad you have travel aspirations but maybe you should save the twelve bucks you just spent on that black and white print of the Arch de Triomphe and pop it in the piggy bank instead so you can actually have the funds to go check it out in person. And while I’m irrationally ranting, why France? Why can’t I ever walk into a girl’s apartment and see a mural of Brazil or Russia? I’m sure they feel a little jipped. All I’m saying is change it up a little. Show your cultural side. Choose a different freaking country, there are like 195 of them. A fridge magnet advertising Estonia will intrigue me much more than the one with a coffee cup and “Bonjour” randomly written across in blue, white, and red cursive.

Knick-Knacks with No Purpose – I am very no-nonsense. Apartments are so aptly named because they’re itty bitty, which means no space, which means everything I own is battling it out for an open surface. So maybe it’s just personal preference and an aversion to clutter that makes me question the coffee table vignettes purchased entirely from Hobby Lobby. Is there a reason you have more candles burning than the Roman Catholic Church? I appreciate the fact that your place smells like a sugar cookie factory but you could single-handedly torch the building in a matter of minutes and that makes me a slightly uncomfortable. Also, what’s with the vase of various…I guess you could call them flowers but that’s not like any tulip I’ve ever seen. The medieval spiked ball mace-looking one seems particularly menacing. Which HGTV host convinced you that thing was a good idea? That bowl over there has nothing in it, and neither does the gaudy jeweled box. WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn – Oh hey girlfraaans. You two are better than Santa at being in five places at once, because I swear to God I don’t know one girl who doesn’t have you rooming in her apartment in one way or another. Marilyn, your white tutu pic is a huge hit, let me tell ya, and Audrey, the iconic Breakfast at Tiffany’s shot is featured eeeeverywhere. I’m not gonna knock you two ladies because I think you’re mega babes and super inspirational in terms of fashion, but maybe you should stop being such postmortem attention whores and give it a rest for a little while. I can deal with you scrutinizing at me from one spot, but when you’re scattered around a room in five different poses gawking at me through glamorous eyes I panic a little. I guess it’s pretty sweet that you babes have withstood the test of time and still manage to secure yourselves a solid fan base with the 18- to 22-year-old female set, but try to pump the brakes. It’s not polite to stare.

(Okay, so I might be guilty of this one. Nobody’s perfect!)
The Solitary Action Movie – It is my opinion that any female who has not seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, P.S. I Love You, and A Walk to Remember is arguably a female at all. A girl who doesn’t own these movies? You’re out of the club. The movie collection of your typical college girl has all of these as well as Love Actually, some awful Nicholas Sparks adaptation, a Disney movie, and then the universal cry for validation from all prospective males: Fight Club. Just as stated before, any guy who doesn’t like this movie might as well forfeit their Man Card. We know this. We know that when you’re at our apartments and you’re looking through our movie collection, all of your negative criticisms about our ownership of Maid in Manhattan and Bride Wars will fly out the window as soon as Brad Pitt shoves that bar of soap in your face. Granted, it’s a fantastic movie and I know more than enough girls who genuinely enjoy it, but let’s face it, we’re well aware of the fact that we win brownie points by having this gem in our entertainment arsenal. So you get to sit there and watch a slew of badassery with “this really cool chick,” and we get to feel awesome about ourselves while ogling Brad’s ridiculous abs. Win win!

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