A Message from Irene

Hey Whores,

            So I guess I should, like, apologize for all that craziness I caused this past week. Flooding New York, sO cRaZy! I know everyone’s mad and lives were ruined and blah blah blah, but it, like, really wasn’t my fault. For real! Hear me out.

            Okay so first, I broke up with my boyfriend. I actually ended it because he was so controlling and has such a temper and always wanted all this attention and I’m like, “Um, HELLO, I’m at least a category 3, you need to appreciate me better!” You know what I’m saying? Frustratingggg. So yeah, dumped his ass, and kid goes ballistic. Causes a huge rumble throughout the East coast but since he always acts so irrationally without any follow through, he didn’t cause like any damage and just rattled some nerves. Typical! Still, he was like a 5.8 so I’ll probably drunk dial him this weekend…

            Obviously, that whole thing pissed me off a little. I went to get margs with my friend Katrina because she had been through, like, the same thing with her ex-boyfriend a few years ago. Ugh, looooove girlfriends. She was like, “Girl, this is YOUR breakup and he’s taking the spotlight. Hell to the no! You need to go out there and show him how it’s really done!” Side note: Katrina’s kind of a huge betch, but she invites me to her beach house every summer so whatev. And anyway, after a fishbowl strawberry margarita and free shots from the creepy divorced men at the bar, she made a lot of sense. Don’t judge me! So I totes agreed and went out and did my thang.

            Another thing was that it’s that time of the month. I know, right? All of these things piled into one? FML. I, like, wasn’t even that mad and didn’t plan on getting that out of control, but I ran out of Midol and my cramps were unnnreal and I knew that everyone was gossiping about me and my life so I was all, “Sorry I’m SO interesting, assholes. I’ll give you something to talk about!” and went nutso. Be real, you would’ve done the same thing in my position. It’s like, don’t mess with a bitch who can do it better, you know?

            Anywayz, I guess I did a pretty decent job of fucking shit up. Those people in Vermont are all, “How do we deal with this?” and I’m like, “Suck it! Sorry I’m not sorry!” I mean I don’t wanna come off as Crazy Girl or anything, but I think I totally showed my ex who really runs the show and now I’m like, such a celeb. Look for me flashing my Britney to the paparazzi sometime soon! I’m gonna make bank off of this US Weekly interview.

Love ya XOXO,

Irene