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Sunday, May 6, 2012

Surprise Stud: The Hinge

When I first came to college and didn’t know anyone, I would identify certain people by nicknames. I now know the names of Highlighter Shirt Kid, Pukes-And-Brushes-Her-Hair, The Shnoz, and Fishface, but that doesn’t mean I ever stopped using the nicknames, and I probably never will. Giving a person a nickname grants you a lot more conversational freedom, because talking about someone “behind their back” right in front of them is like, way more respectful. Duh, it’s called manners.

I was once told that guys spoke in code around girls so that they could talk freely about them with the girl being none the wiser (sketchy), but SURPRISE we do the same thing. I love giving guys nicknames because even if the one they are awarded is painfully obvious to the rest of the world, generally the guy has no idea he’s being talked about, which gives me a hearty chuckle. Let’s explore my favorite and most widespread (among my friends, at least) nickname invention. I’m gonna need to copyright this shit:

If you are one of the 0.0001% of red-headed males out there who are actually attractive, and you have ever been around me, you have probably heard the word “Hinge” thrown around quite a bit. Congratulations, unlikely-babe magnet, I’m talking about you. A Hinge is a Hot Ginge[r]. That’s right, an attractive person sharing a follicle-likeness to Carrot Top. I didn’t think it was possible either. Jokes about the carpet matching the drapes and a lack of soul aside, a Hinge should own his Hingeness, because when girls realize what a hot commodity and rare occurrence a decent looking red-headed guy is, they pounce. It’s a part of every girl’s bucket list, promise! Red-headed females are especially fond of Hinges, because if they’re going to repopulate a species, they might as well give the next generation a fighting chance with a strand of surprisingly sexy DNA. A Hinge cannot be determined by anyone except an outside source, aka a girl, because if Hinges were all going around self-proclaiming Hinge-dom, Rupert Grint might actually stand a fighting chance in society (sorry, Ron). If you’re a guy and a ginger, keep on crossing those fingers that you make the cut. You probably don’t, but at least you distracted yourself from your unfortunate freckly knuckles and lower-than-average life expectancy. 

A thousand times yes.



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