Graduation Acceptance Speech

Wow, I really didn’t see this coming! It was an honor to even be nominated! I don’t even have anything prepared. Just kidding, here goes:

First, I would like to thank the Business School for weeding me out after first semester of freshman year. I thought since I was successful at DECA events in high school that I really wanted to be a Marketing major, and could potentially turn that into a career in PR. Luckily, by forcing me to take math, science, and bullshit gen ed classes before I even stepped foot inside of a marketing classroom, you ensured that I would change my mind and fall back on the one thing I’ve ever actually been decent at: writing. I owe ya one!

I would also like to thank my parents for not telling me “Well why not stay in state for school?” They also did not force their alma maters on me, and my dad calmly accepts defeat when Louisville beats UConn twice in one basketball season. They sent me care packages and did not have me delivered to a mental institution even when stress freak-outs caused me to start crying over the phone for no particular reason. When I came home on breaks after living off of nothing but Ramen and apples for three straight weeks, my mom plumped me right back up. Basically, they’re awesome, and if I ever become rich and famous I promise to pay them back for my tuition. Way to be, Mawm and Faja!

A big shout-out goes to my adrenaline levels for forcing me to eek out multiple all-nighters without the help of Red Bull, Monster, coffee, Adderall, or any combination of the four. I am very proud of my ability to stay up all night fueled entirely by procrastination, self-loathing, and the fear of failing out of school, and it goes without saying that I’m just an all-around better person than anyone that is incapable of doing so.

To all of the pref night and formal dates I have had, you are all stud muffins and thank you for inviting me to get drunk in a pretty dress at a hotel fo’ free. Not everyone can say that they slept in the hallway as the night maids vacuumed around their freezing body; or stepped in the puke of another girl who was unable to handle her Heaven Hill; or did the Cupid Shuffle on Bourbon Street while horse cops took videos on their iPhones; but I sure as hell can, and the memories (or at least the pictures) will last forever.

Every cop that has broken up a party and forced me to hop fences in heels; every professor who has taken a liking to me and allowed me to turn in a paper a week late just because I didn’t feel like doing it on time; every time I hit the refresh button to view my grades at the end of the semester, only to find that my Comm grade STILL WASN’T UP; every girls’ night spent talking about the Dud Friend and/or whichever guy screwed us over that week; every time the Campus Preacher told me I was a harlot who was headed straight to the fiery depths of Hell; every outlet in the library that was conveniently being used when my computer was on 2% battery and I would lose the last eight pages of my paper if I didn’t plug it in like now; every free food event hosted by a student organization I had no intentions of joining; every time someone asked me if I was in a sorority, and I said no, and I got the response of “…Well that’s okay;” every random person that I have ever come across that I now say “Hi” to even though neither of us is really sure how we met in the first place; and of course, every year living in the lovely city of Louisville that has given me an inexplicable hatred for anything UK related:

Thank you. It’s been real.