Karaoke is my Nemesis

My family, as a whole, is a quirky bunch. There are many traits that I have inherited that, try as I might, cannot be denied or even sufficiently hidden from the rest of society. I’ve come to accept this in most cases, such as my inability to tell a story without including way too many irrelevant details that turn a two-minute “this one time…” into a twenty-minute dissertation. I’m also not suited for quiet settings – these vocal cords are powerful. There is one quirk in particular that I wish had been some kind of genetic mutation that my infant self could have beaten the odds of, but sadly, it made its way to the idiosyncratic forefront: screwing up song lyrics. 

We’re going to blame my dad for this one. He started it all sometime back in the 70’s when he was singing along to The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and asked the person next to him, “How could he tell?”
“Tell what?” they asked.
“That she had Colitis.”
Good ole Bill thought they were singing, “The girl with Colitis goes by” instead of “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”

Yes, it is okay to laugh, we make fun of him for this all the time. Unfortunately, I can’t laugh too hard, because I do it too. Frequently, and unapologetically. I’m under the impression that if I interpret the words a certain way, that is how they should be, and no lyrics website will tell me otherwise.

 

Below are a few of my most notable creations, and I will continue to sing them loud and proud.

 

Rihanna – “Umbrella”  

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath TOUGHEN UP, Ima stick it out til the end

 

Rihanna is from Barbados. She has that little island accent that makes you want to punch yourself in the face, it’s just so cute (too soon?). For this reason, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was pronouncing toughen “toe-fen” and up “ope.” Since this song was such a huge hit, I was corrected quickly, but since we all know how much I like to be told what to do, I was steadfast in belting out the lyrics that I thought were “better.” Quite honestly, I think Rihanna’s more recent songs are pretty terrible anyway, so maybe she should take note of my improvements and adjust her lyrics accordingly.

 

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – “Blinded by the Light”

Blinded by the light

Revved up light a deuce DOUCHE

Another runner AND A RONER in the night

 

If I had initially been introduced to the Bruce Springsteen version of this song, I’d be a completely different person. Not only does The Boss know how to annunciate his S sounds (sorta…), his lyrics read, “cut loose like a deuce,” which doesn’t exactly make sense either, but at least I’d be able to decipher them. Let’s not even get into what I think a “roner” is, because I have no idea. Did the Earth Band even have another hit after this? Probably not, so who am I to criticize their British ridiculousness? Those people think beans on toast is a meal, I’d rather not question their vocabulary.

 

 

Pussycat Dolls – “When I Grow Up”

When I grow up

I wanna see the world

Drive nice cars

I wanna have groupies BOOBIES

 

Everyone thought this when first hearing this song. It still rings true in my mind because when I was younger, I did want boobs. I’m apparently still not there… The point is, the song could totally work both ways and for a tune that’s about becoming rich in the future, it’s not so far-fetched to believe that a trip to the plastic surgeon wouldn’t make the list.

 

 

Usher – “Burn”

I know this is something I gotta do

But that don’t mean I want to

What I’m trying to say is that I love you I just ALEXIS

I feel like this is coming to an end

 

I know what you’re thinking. “Who did you think Alexis was, Skylar?” And to that, all I have to say is that Usher is not known for his fidelity and admitted it in “Confessions” on the same album so it’s not my place to judge which ladyfriend he’s singing to at any given time. I’m particularly bad about this one, because I just can’t seem to get it into my head that the lyrics could be anything else. As someone whose name does not appear in any song out there (except “Skylar’s Song” by Vince Neil for his daughter who had cancer; not exactly an upper), I applaud Alexis for paving the way for the rest of us to get broken up with via catchy R&B melodies.

 

Sugar Ray – “Every Morning”

Every morning there's a halo hangin’ from the corner

of my girlfriend's four post SPOPO’S bed

 

Again. What kind of name is Spopo? I wish I understood myself.