Whoever introduced synonyms to me in elementary school should be kissed by someone who knows how and promptly bought Chipotle. I love to talk, I love to force others to listen to me speak, and the sole reason I abstain from smoking cigs is because I’m terrified I’d have to get a tracheotomy and my sweet sweet voice would be replaced by robot sounds.
As far as I’m concerned, language is a privilege, and my love for it is consistently ruined by people who pollute the air with god-awful catch phrases and misspelling of the word “congratulations” (there is no D. Stop it). Below are the five phrases that I think we should all agree to retire.
1. “That’s all.” Typically used when someone makes an opinionated statement about something that they’d rather not have disputed.
Ex: “The University of Louisville is the best at everything. That’s all.” (p.s. SHOUT OUT TO THE SUGAR BOWL WINNERS HEYYYYYY)
Can also be used when something weird/out of the ordinary has happened and a person wants to play it all nonchalant.
Ex: “I was just told I have the potential musculature appropriate for a career in female body building. That’s all.”
Why it bothers me: It’s used totally hypocritically. If you tell me, “Fuck you. That’s all,” that is definitely NOT ALL and there’s about to be a (what?) girl fight.
Ex: “Dude last night was so epic. Tyler puked in a girl’s hair and then helped her clean it out; Chris snuck into the DJ booth and played like four Hootie and the Blowfish songs; we went to McDonald’s and John ate his fries with mustard; and then I DD’d everyone. Fuckin wild night, bro.”
Why it bothers me: People have actually told me stories like the one above. I feel bad for them. Epically bad for them.
3. “Fail.” Typically used when someone doesn’t go out on a Saturday night because they’re too busy looking up memes on (what else?) FAILblog.
Why it bothers me: The grammar Nazi in me can’t get past the obvious fragment going on here, and anyone I’ve ever met who uses “fail” in everyday conversation is incredibly annoying so it’s the associative property at its finest.
Why it really bothers me: People usually use “epic” and “fail” together. I can’t even…
4. “Is this real life?” Typically used when someone is easily entertained.
Ex: “It took me less than thirty minutes to straighten my hair. Is this real life?”
Why it bothers me: All it took was a drugged up child with two fingers who thought this was going to be forever to start this phenomenon. My friends are drugged up all the time and it’s never even made a blip on the pop culture radar….UNTIL NOW:
5. “Mind blown.” Typically used when someone realizes something that the rest of society figured out a long time ago.
Ex: “Just found out that Fez's name on That 70's Show stood for Foreign Exchange Student. MIND BLOWN.”
Like Facebook, Google, and speakerphone, our parents will revive this phrase about 5-20 years after it’s worn out its welcome with the rest of our vocabularies.
Ex: “My microwave has a Popcorn button. MIND BLOWN.”
Why it bothers me: I’m just a really huge know-it-all and nothing fazes me.