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Monday, January 6, 2014

Love and Order CVU: Creeper Victim's Unit - Bad Teacher

In the Serial Dating System, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the bros who do creepy shit and the ladies who have to text their friends, "SAVE MEEE." These are their stories.

When I was in 4th grade I had a smokin' hot teacher. Alas, I was fucking 10 and didn't realize the opportunity set before me. A stroke of luck occurred when I was 16 and had the chance to become his teacher's assistant. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to see this hot piece of ass every day.

I had finally grown boobs and Bad Teacher definitely noticed, telling me, "If I was your age I would totally be dating you." Maybe I should note that he was 42, married, had two children and was an elementary school teacher. Moving on.

In June of that year, my family moved very far away, and I never thought I would see him again. SIKE. Jump to four years later, Christmas break of my sophomore year of college. I was feeling particularly naughty and decided to shoot him a "hey" message, asking if I could pop by his class so he could see the hot girl I had become (humble, I know). He immediately called me back and wanted me to meet him for coffee at Panera. Of course, I did.

We sat there for three hours and he was unabashedly hitting on me the entire time. Everyone dreams about this shit but it actually coming to fruition was freaky and I didn't know what to do. He ends our conversation with this: "I know the real reason why you contacted me...you want to sleep with me...and that's what I want too. I have fantasized about this for so long and I think we have something special." I AM SORRY, COME AGAIN?! I was totally freaked out and said I had to go brush my hair or pluck my eyebrows, anything to get out of that situation. He walked me out to my car and planted a kiss right on my lips. I pushed him away, got in my car and sped the fuck out of the parking lot.

I never thought I would hear from him again, and I really didn't care either way, but lo and behold on Christmas Eve I get a telephone call from Teach. He said he has the perfect spot where we can meet up and have the best sex ever. He also made sure to mention that he'd definitely bring his boner meds to keep up with me because I was so young and hot. I tried to remind him about his wife and kids and tell him that I just couldn't do that, but he proceeded to talk to me about how special it would be and how he would "rock my world."

I was dying.

Teach then sent me drunk texts all night from his flip phone and texted about as slow as a grandpa, using way too many " and ";P" faces. He clearly thought it was still 2006. I tried to shake it off and not reply but he just wouldn't let up. Finally at 4 a.m. the day after Christmas, he calls me crying, saying he wants to leave his wife and that he would make me the happiest girl in the world with the "pleasure" he would give me. THE FUCK.

I told him that it just wouldn't work out and it was creepy so please stop calling me. He finally hung up and the texted me some Usher lyrics saying "goodbye" the next day [Skylar Side Note: Obviously, the lyrics were from Confessions. Now, Part 1 or Part 2? Discuss].

That following summer I accidentally texted him instead of my friend saying, "Hey babe! We are at the party where are you?" He replied with, "My wife knows I am sorry can't talk."
...I laughed for days. Luckily I haven't heard from him lately, although he hilariously still follows me on Twitter.

--Straight A Student

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