Adults on Facebook

There are certain things in life that just operate much more smoothly when rules are followed. A game of Monopoly, for instance. Or the whole “beer before liquor get drunk quicker” mantra. Adhering to the status quo just makes the world go round, and makes me personally feel a lot more at ease. For this reason, I take up serious issue with adults on Facebook.

Allow me to clarify a couple things. First, when I say “adults,” I don’t mean the legal definition of a person age 18 and older. Do you know how many idiotic, immature 18-year-olds there are out there? All of them. That is not an adult; that is permission to buy cigarettes without begging your friend’s older brother to get them for you. Secondly, don’t take me literally and assume I mean all adults. My dad has a Facebook and has probably used it twice. I don’t think he even knows his own password. It’s his middle-aged peers that abuse status updates and mobile uploads that really get under my skin. Clearly, I do not consider myself to be an adult. Why? Because I still laugh at the word “balls.”

We’ve all seen The Social Network and know that Facebook was invented so college kids could stalk each other and tag pictures of themselves that would severely hinder their chances of landing a respectable job after graduation. Why do my 45-year-old neighbors need one? Exactly, they don’t. Here’s why:

They comment on statuses with statements that have nothing to do with that status –

Example:

“I heard people were dying over some sneakers.

I love shoes too but are you serious?”

~ “We had a good Xmas the kids all came home we missed you and your mom hope you had a good one – Anne.”

I’m sorry, but what on Earth does this response pertain to? The person was discussing the homicides over Jordans; I really doubt they have any sort of interest in your made-for-TV-movie holiday. If I wanted to receive your Christmas card to this person I would just rifle through their mail – I really don’t need blurbs about a stranger on my newsfeed. Side note: signing your name after anything you post on Facebook is irrelevant. This bothers me more than it should.

They give a play-by-play of their day –

Example:

“It’s a chilly but beautiful day here in Chicago!

Ron and I have decided to go downtown

for a little Christmas change of pace.

We’ve never really explored the city and there

seem to be a lot of restaurants there.”

“Now eating at _____.

So many beautiful Christmas lights!

Walking around after dinner

to see some more.”

“Now we are driving to _____ to have a

drink or two somewhere!”

“_____ is so crazy! Now we’re going to _____ and to see _____ and whatever else we can find to do!”

“Just saw the _____ and going to _____ for

a little Christmas snack. It’s so fun here!”

…You done? Yeah. You’re done. Unsubscribe.

They’re about 10 years late on pop culture humor –

Example:

“Hey everybody, come see how great I look!”

~ “LOUD NOISES!”

~ “I like scotch. Scotchity scotch scotch.”

You are not hip and clever for posting Anchorman quotes (albeit, incorrect ones) and having all of your friends follow suit with subsequent comments. We all know you just passed by the living room where your 22-year-old son was watching it on Netflix and happened to catch a scene. No one is impressed. Stick to what you know, like Bruce Springsteen and House Hunters marathons.

They thank people –

Examples:

“Thanks for posting a picture

of your beautiful family!”

“Thanks for the updates Cheryl, sounds

like you’re having a blast!”

“Thanks to this YouTube account holder for

compiling all of these photos and setting it to

music for my enjoyment!”

This is not a Golden Globes acceptance speech – you have no obligation to express gratitude to every single person you’ve ever met for every single thing they’ve ever done. I’m honored that your personal happiness is contingent on me posting ridiculous pictures of my dog, but I wasn’t expecting a “thank you,” and I will not respond when you give me one.

Adults joining Facebook was going to happen sooner or later, and I have to give all the old folks out there kudos for at least trying to stay in touch with one another while covertly stalking their children. But it has to be said – the majority of you are worse than a 12-year-old girl when it comes to status updates and sharing information that absolutely no one cares about, and you really need to cool it. Why do none of the aforementioned actions bother me when they’re performed by people my own age? Because my generation created Facebook, and we do what we want.