As you all are probably aware, my birthday is in a week.Don’t panic, everything is fine; you still have time to set up a lavish get-together with 1,012 of my closest Facebook friends. I promise to act completely surprised when the Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage arrives at my door to bring me to a romantic, table-cloth-clad dinner at White Castle—or if you’re really trying to woo me, Arby’s (basically anywhere that makes stellar mozzarella sticks).
No really. You shouldn’t have. We’ll let it slide this time, but had you followed the list below, you might not have to live in fear that I’ll be getting you back on your birthday with a photo album of everything my friends have eaten for dinner over the past six months, courtesy of Instagram.
Here is the Skylar Birthday Gift Guide 2013. Links included for your convenience!
FoodSaver V3880 Vacuum Sealer - The Master Chef Kit ($183) – I have a sick obsession with anything infomercial-related. The As Seen on TV store is my heaven. I already own a Magic Bullet, a PedEgg, a Stretch Genie, and a Quick Chop, but the FoodSaver would really put my collection over the edge. Have you ever used one of these things? It’s fucking magic. We have one at the winery I work at, and the amount of satisfaction I get out of watching all of the air get sucked out of salami and cheddar cheese is wonderfully embarrassing. I want to vacuum seal everything I own. I would vacuum seal my dog (neck down) if PETA wouldn’t come find me. Please make my dreams come true.
Virginia AND/OR Kentucky Home T ($25) – These are the only two places in my life so far that I have felt completely at ease. Virginia is home to my parents, my best friend and Wegman’s Chocolate Chip Muffins. Kentucky is home to my other best friends, the best school in the entire world, and the version of myself who pronounces fine “fahn.” I will accept both of these shirts and wear them interchangeably so as not to offend either location.
Jaguar Hood Ornament Replacement ($52.50) – Someone who wanted to do hoodrat stuff with their friends jacked my leaping emblem of glory right off of Nigel’s face last year, completely depleting him of any and all dignity. If you know how to reattach one of these babies that would be ideal, as I…don’t. But really, who steals hood ornaments?
Buddy Bounce Outdoor Play Ball (2 for $34.98 each) – Who doesn’t want these? They’d be the be-all-end-all to any confrontation I’ll ever have for the rest of my life. Roommate ate my Cheesecake Factory leftovers? Co-worker made me look bad in front of my boss? Boyfriend comes home smelling like Britney Spears Curious and Fruit Punch Burnetts? Break out the Buddy Bounces and let’s solve this the real way. A welcome alternative would be Sock ‘Em Boppers.
Vino2Go XL Wine Sippy Cup ($16.99) – I am a classy woman on the go. I also have a newfound appreciation for reds. Pouring my Cab into an empty Dasani bottle en route to the pregame seems a bit uncouth, but spills are even more so, and that’s where this nifty little number comes in. It holds 12 ounces and comes in a variety of colors, and I swear I’d keep my pinky up through every sip slash gulp.
An e-mail from a magazine offering me a job (priceless) – Seriously. This is all I want. I thrive in a fast-paced environment, expertly meet deadlines and have a sharp wit inspired by Phyllis Diller and Chelsea Handler. I will
stop cut back on cursing in my writing if that’s the
main issue. My resume is hotter and readier than a cheese pizza.
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